A Little Piece of Heaven
by Cuddy Cabin
Summary: After her divorce, Faith finds herself having feelings for Bosco. Will they end up together?
1. A New Life

Disclaimer:

I do not own Third Watch or any of its characters. Please don't sue. This is just for fun.

A Little Piece of Heaven

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you look at it like that, you can see how much life has to offer. How scary. How real. How many different directions are there? I realized today, perhaps for the first time, that my life would go on, even without Fred in it.

To tell you the truth, I had always imagined what life would be like without Fred. Dreamed about it from time to time. I always knew that we would end up divorcing. I tried so hard to keep it together. But the more he drank, the more resentful I became. The more he nagged about my relationship with Bosco, the more angry I got. He could never understand why I trusted Bos and why I felt compelled to always be there for him. I should have realized that Fred didn't understand what a partnership was, and that was the biggest part of what went wrong between us. It becomes so sad when you realize that your marriage has failed because you were married to someone who was completely wrong for you in every way possible. It also makes you feel a little defeated when you understand that you had so much to do with it. Stupidity comes in huge doses sometimes.

I could trace back my life to ten years before and see exactly where I went wrong. It wasn't like I planned to get pregnant. Looking back, I now know that I would have been better off if I hadn't got married. Although, I wouldn't have had Charlie, and let's face it: I love my kids, but did I do them an injustice by letting them have a father like I had? Always drunk and nasty, never having a kind word to say. I tried so hard to get away from my own father that I never realized I had permanently attached him to me when I married Fred. Same man, just a different face.

I didn't realize how much I actually detested my own husband until I looked at someone else's. Seeing a couple who were happy just made me feel worse. What would it be like to be married to someone who you could trust? What would it be like to be with a man who treated you like a lady? One who wasn't drunk every night when you came home from work and who you actually wanted to spend time with and make love to. We'll just leave that last part alone. That subject hadn't been touched in a very long time.

The only part about this whole thing that bothers me is the kids. I know they love their father and I'd never try to hurt that love, but they don't understand that he has a problem. That always makes me the bad guy. What should I do? Just let him take them in the car when he's drunk? That would make me a good parent for sure. Instead, I have the two of them crying for him, as he stands in the doorway, cursing at me for the fifteenth time, about what a lousy person I am. Should I just close the door in his face? Or do I let him in so he can do more damage to us? In the end, I always shut the door and lock it tight, after threatening to call the cops. He usually leaves, but he always punches the door before he goes. Wants to let me know who's in control. Exactly who is in contol here? And why is it that every time he does this to us, that I feel a little piece of me is stretched further? One of these days I know I'll just blow up and really lose it on him. Bosco always told me to hold on to my marriage. That it was sacred. He is one of the believers in the old philosophy about staying with your husband until the end, no matter what he does to you. I know that I couldn't hold on any more.

If it had been anyone else, I would have told them where to go. But with Bosco, it's different. He knows me like no one else does and yet, he knows how to get under my skin the way no one else in this whole world can. He wanted me to come stay with him after Fred left. Me and the kids. I know he was only trying to be nice by inviting us there. What in the world would he do with his partner and her two kids at his house? Go crazy, that's what.

Something has been bothering me lately. I don't know why, but every time Bos talks about this new girl he's been seeing, it really makes me angry. Except this time he is talking about a woman with real respect in his voice. I always bugged him about the way he talks about women and they way he turns them into objects and stuff. But not with her. Never with her.

This one is the real deal. Not only is she pretty, but she's really nice too. Sarah. Her name means 'princess' and she looks like she should be one. All thin and long brown hair, with a killer smile and a pair of legs to match. Even the thought of her makes me angry.

Why am I angry all of a sudden? Why does it bother me that he's happy with her? He's usually in a bad mood at the beginning of a shift, but not lately. No. He's been with her and now he comes to work happy. I realize that it is the breakup of my own marriage that brought these feeling on, because I know that these new feelings arent deep seeded ones. I know I'm being petty and childish because he is my best friend and he deserves to be happy.

So, why am I so miserable?

So, what do you think people? Continue or not? This is an entirely new direction for my stories, so I'd like constructive criticism, please. Let me know! I live for the reviews and that's what makes this worth while!


	2. She looks at me

A Little Piece of Heaven

Chapter 2

As I got dressed in the locker room, I glanced at her. She was sitting on the bench again, running her fingers through her blond hair. She was doing that a lot lately. Just sitting on that bench, staring off into space. Her blue eyes taking on that slightly watery look, so I can't tell whether she's reminiscing about something good or something bad. I know my partner and I know that she's having a hard time of it.

She looks up at me, knowing full well that I'm worried. Our eyes connect and hold, each willing the other to speak first. With Faith it's all in how you approach things. She'll talk when she wants and not a minute sooner. She bottles it all up inside and gets more upset when I try and get her to tell me. But today, I can tell she wants me to ask. I know that she wants me to ask, she can let it all out. I know her that well.

I know she's stressed. More now than ever before. That Jerk ex-husband of hers wouldn't pay child support for his own two kids, leaving it all up to her again. At first, I have to admit that I wasn't thrilled when she told me that Fred was leaving. I always thought that you stay together, even when it isn't good. But looking at my own childhood, I don't know why I ever had that attitude. My own parents stayed together even when they hated each other. It messed me and Mikey up, and I sure woudn't want Emily and Charlie to be hurt. I love those kids like I love my own ma. In the end, I could understand and even appreciate why she let him go.

The thing is that there's no one on this earth who deserves Faith. There is no one better, in my books. The part that confuses me the most is that Fred had the best woman on the earth and he threw it away. He threw his marriage away for alcohol.

I guess there was a time that I was even in love with her myself. From day one at the Academy,she had me spinnin'. Then, when we became partners, our relationship became one of friendship and protection. In a way, it was better than any other relationship I ever had. There was just no one around who could put up with me the way she could and there was no one who could put me in my place the way she did. But she was married and I knew it would never happen. How could I ever expect that she'd want to spend her life with me? A screwup like me? I spent so much time trying to get over my feelings for her, that I almost missed meeting the current woman in my life. Sarah Richardson.

I chuckled to myself as I was buttening up my jeans. Sarah. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever met, next to Faith, that was. It was kind of a funny way that we met. I was out at my ma's bar one evening, trying to drink in peace, when this real cute girl walked up to the counter and asked me for a light. I had made a face as she asked, cause I hate cigarette smoke. She looked at me with a real amused look on her petit face and stuck her tounge out at me. "Is that the face you kiss your momma with?" she had asked, as she dangled a smoke from her perfectly shaped lips.

That kind of got me laughin. My ma, who had been listening the whole time, came over and dropped a pack of matches in front of me and gave me a wink. I had to admit that she was a looker. She was about my height with long dark brown hair and beautiful green eyes. She had an instinctive little pout on her lips as she let her tounge run over them, wetting them and drivin me crazy. I lit the smoke for her and the rest was history.

I didn't even plan on seein' her again. It just kindof happened. And we didnt even sleep together, if you can believe that. It just didn't come up, so to speak. I didn't even try. I guess that's when I knew that she was special. Special like Faith. For the second time in my life, I had feelings for a woman that I didn't even sleep with first. The same as Faith. It must have been some kind of sign. If I couldn't have Faith, I could have the next best thing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Faith looking at me. I turned to face her completely and she looked away. It wasn't the first time this week that I had caught her starin at me. I vaguely wondered why this time her stare was different. I mean, Faith has many different looks. I don't even have to ask her what's wrong. I can tell just by her look or the way she tosses her hair, what kind of mood she's in.

"What"?

She turned to face me once again. She pursed her lips together before speaking. A sure sign that she was aggitated.

" Nothin. You wanna go grab a bite or somethin'"? She asked , as stood up and grabbed her NYPD sweatshirt out of her locker.

I shook my head as I pulled my duffle bag out of my own locker.

" I promised Sarah that I'd pick her up from work tonight. How bout tomorwow, after shift"?

She opened her mouth, as if to say something, and then abruptly closed it. I could tell she was pissed. She squinted her eyes and grinded her jaw a bit.

"Later Boz.". She said, giving me a pointed look, before she walked out of the locker room and let the door slam shut.

What was I supposed to do? Run at her beck and call? I had found someone, finally found a girl who I really liked. Any other time, I would have. But I had to have a life of my own. I had to move on.

So, why did I feel like I was betraying the one woman I could never have?


	3. Sarah

I had almost made it to the bottom of the stairs when I saw her. She was standing at the front desk talking to the shift supervisor. Dressed in black leather high heel boots with a matching skirt and blouse, she was in the height of fashion. She looked as though she was an escaped model from the front cover of a magazine.

I hated even seeing her! It usually wasn't like me to be so jealous of who Bosco dated, but she was something totally out of this world. She was a nice girl, a good girl. He liked her and I could tell that he was thinking about getting serious with her. So be it. He needed to get serious with some one for once in his life. I just had trouble with the fact that I was leaning toward myself as being that someone.

I sometimes got the feeling that he needed me too. That he thought about me as much as I thought about him. It was never a spoken thing between us, but there was always the feeling that there was so much more. Now, I might never know what could have happened between us.

I hated feeling so....so......petty and...childish. This was beneath me, for heaven's sake! Here I was, a newly single woman and I was worrying about me and Bosco. I knew I needed some fresh air and a few drinks so I could think about my current situation.

As I walked toward the door, she turned and waved to me. She tucked her long hair behind her ears and walked toward me, a huge grin on her flawless face. It almost took my breath away, how pretty she was. At five foot six or seven, she was slender, but not too skinny. She had milky-white skin, complimented with her full, red lips. Her hair was long with a hint of a curl. Her eyes sparkled with mischief as she called out to me.

"Faith, wait up a sec!" Her high heeled boots made a clicking noise on the tile floor as she sprang into action.

She had me. There was no way that I could just keep going and pretend that I didn't see her. It sickened me, the way every man in the place just had to stare at her. Clickity clack, went her boots, twanging on my last nerve already.

I looked down at myself in my sweatshirt and jeans. Yes. I felt like I could definitely compete with her. With my hair in a ponytail and no makeup on, I felt like Cinderella in her grunge mode. Could I have picked a better evening to run into little ms. Posh?

I stopped and scuffed the toes of my dirty tennis sneakers on the polished floor as I waited for her.

" Hi there. I'm Sarah. We met at Haggerty's, remember"?

Did I remember? What was I? Stupid?

"Ya. I remember. Nice to see you.". I said, holding out my hand.

She shook it enthusiastically. She looked around, trying to see if Bosco was within earshot.

"I'm planning a surprise for Boz's Birthday next week. It's going to be at the Tea Room on Marks Avenue. I was hoping that you'd maybe give me a list of people he'd like to see."

I laughed out loud at the mention of the Tea Room. That would be the last place he'd ever want to go. She didn't know him at all! It gave me a sense of satisfaction, to know what he liked...and better yet, that she didn't know.

"Why would you want to have it at that dump?" I threw out. Before she could answer, I kept going. After all, she asked for my advice and she was gonna get it.

" Bosco is definitely not that kind of guy. Why don't you have it at Haggerty's? I'll give you a list of people to invite. Try the gang at Camelot. They'll all come and I'll tell the rest of the squad."

At this point, it would have been better for me to pick up on the subtle signals that were now emanating from her size 6 body. She was no longer smiling and had starting tapping her little boots on the floor. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"What"? I asked, holding my palms out toward her. "I'm telling you what he likes, aren't I"?

Her eyes narrowed a bit as she sized me up and I had the distinct feeling that I had made a big faux paux with this woman. What had I said wrong? Could she see through me? Could she tell how her very presence was enough to make me want to scream? Well, at the very least, I had learned something about her: She could change moods at the drop of a hat.

She cleared her throat and sniffled a bit. "I know you're just trying to help, but it's already set up at the Tea Room. The reservations have been made and I don't want to break them."

"That's too bad. I mean, you really should have checked with me first, Sarah. It was a nice gesture on your part, but that place is really swanky, if you get what I mean". I said, rolling my eyes. "I went there one time and the prices were really outrageous..."

She held up her hand and shook her head. "Ya. I get it. Thanks." She turned around and started to walk away, but turned back. "And don't mention it to Bosco that I came here tonight. I'd really like to keep this a surprise."

"Wait! He told me like five minutes ago that he had to pick you up tonight". I said, not understanding.

" It's alright, Faith. I called him and told him that I had some stuff to take care of." She answered as she walked away.

I shrugged my shoulders and continued my walk to the front door. Now, more than ever, I needed a few drinks to calm my nerves and forget about my life. Haggerty's was calling my name as I walked out of the Station and down the street. Who knew that life could be so lame?


	4. My Heart Skips a Beat

A Little Piece of Heaven: Chapter Four

My Heart Skips a Beat

After leavin the station house, I decided to hop into my Mustang and go for a long drive. Sarah had called me and told me she couldn't meet up tonight, which meant that I'd be sleepin' alone. I had to admit that it didn't sound all that bad. I hadn't had my own bed to myself for quite a while.

As I was driving down the street it hit me: This feeling that kept coming over me lately. It was kind of a war going on inside between Faith and Sarah. I knew I was crazy about Sarah, but every time I was with her, Faith seemed to keep etching herself into the back of my mind.

Sarah was the kind of girl that every guy wants to end up with. Beautiful, smart, sexy and lots of fun. She always had a smile on her face and she was crazy about me, too. Was I just too scared to commit? Was I having trouble with a real relationship?

These were questions that I had to deal with. I mean, there was no way that Faith would ever want to attach herself to me in that way, was there? I wouldn't dare ask, either. I would venture a guess that we could have a great time together, with our 'extra curricular activities', so to speak. Just thinking about it........

I turned on the radio and began to drum my fingers on the dashboard to the beat. I needed a drink before I could go home and relax. Ahhh, the tension would all be gone soon. I could sit down and really think about what was wrong with me. Sarah. Faith. Who was it? Who was the realistic choice here? She loves me. She loves me not. Do either of them love me? Could either of them?

I turned the car into the parking lot and shut off the engine. I opened my door and adjusted my hat. I grabbed my keys and stepped out.

The crowd was pretty large, for a Monday night. I could smell the stale beer, mixed with the cheap perfume and cologne of all the hopefuls. Big blond women, dressed in too small skirts and low cut shirts dominated the front tables. Skinny ones, tall ones. Man.....is this where all the desperate women in New York came to hang out?

As much as it grossed me out, there were a few cute ones around. Lots of guys too, looking for that one night stand. Judging from most of the ones gathered around the bar, they didn't seem to care who they were gonna bring home.

Usually when we all came here, we never paid attention to anyone else. But tonight, all I could see were the desperados...the players and the thieves. Love is such a dangerous game. We never know who were gonna get...if we get anybody.

I stepped up to the counter and ordered myself a large draft. I sat down on the bar stool and took a big sip. Good. I turned around to get a better look, when I heard a whooping cry from the back of the bar, by the pool tables.

It was Jimmy Doherty, of course. He was always making an ass of himself. Beside's being one of the biggest pain in the asses I had ever met, he also was as cocky as I'll get out. He reminded me of someone...but I couldn't put my finger on it. My only wish is that If I ever get that obnoxious, that someone would shoot me and put me outta my misery.

His current pal was a tall blond woman, who was straddling his lap, kissing his neck. His head was thrown back, enjoying the play. She was giggling as she kissed. He put his arms around her waist and gave her butt a squeeze.

Even though it was dark in the bar, I could tell that something wasn't right. My stomach started getting those butterflies. And not the good ones.

Jimmy whispered in the blonds ear and stood up, pulling her up with him. He threw some money on their table and grabbed her hand. When she turned around, my heart skipped a beat. And a few more after that.

The hurt I felt at that moment was phenomenal. It was Faith.


	5. A gentle touch

From the moment our eyes connected I could feel the burn. I was shocked to see him standing there, but even more shocking to myself was that I felt ashamed. I felt my heart beat quicken and my palms become sweaty, as I watched his reaction to my reckless abandon. I had drunk quite a bit in the last hour and was feeling pretty good, but no so good that I didn't realize what I was doing.

There was a hurt etched in his face that I couldn't explain. A look in his eye that told me he'd never think of me the same way again. It wasn't fair, the way he looked at me right then. He was one to talk. Bosco had had as many women as humanly possible and he was king of the one night stand. Hell, I think he invented it.

I know that he was thinking that I was a newly separated woman and I shouldn't be prancing about, looking for an easy night. He had different ideas about how women should behave. At that moment, my feelings turned from ashamed to anger. He was judging me. Always judging what I was doing, even if he was doing no better. He had probably come here to do the same thing anyway.

I let Jimmy pull me along up to the front of the bar. The smell of stale whiskey and smoke, coupled with the low lighting and small candles, made me think of a bordello. I knew I should just go home and sleep it off, but I felt almost compelled to show Bosco that I was a big girl and could handle myself. He wasn't the only one who could have fun.

In my own mind, I was fighting a battle of wills. I knew that I loved him and yet, I knew he didn't feel the same way. I wanted him to be jealous. It was the truth. I wanted him to hurt, the way I hurt every time I saw him with another woman. I wanted him to want me back and to pledge himself to me forever.

I decided right then and there to end it all. Bosco wasn't going to pledge his love to me. He had already pretty much betrothed himself to Sarah. These new feelings were going to have to take a back seat, especially since they weren't going to get me anywhere.

Going home with Jimmy would cement my freedom. It would take me to a new level within myself. From now on, I would live my life the way I wanted to, with no reservations, no rules and absolutely no attachments. I'd become like.....a man.

We got up to the front of the bar and I stood beside Jimmy who had stopped to talk to one of the waitresses. Bosco and I were now face to face. He was sitting on his stool, taking large gulps of his beer and not looking me in the eye. He was definitely angry. Well, not so much angry as disgusted. His foot was tapping a mindless, but speedy tune on the bar stool, which was something he always did when he was irritated.

"So, you taking it easy tonight?" I asked, more out of nervousness, than anything else.

"Yup."

"Where's Sarah"?

"Home".

I rolled my eyes in exasperation. He could be so overdramatic by times. What was the big deal? He had something else to say and I knew he was contemplating how he'd say it. It wasn't very often that Bosco took the time to think about the words that came so freely from his lips. I could tell by the very look on his face. He just couldn't leave it at that.

He turned to face me fully and leaned toward me, narrowing his blue eyes and nailing me to the wall with his truth.

"You really think you're gonna feel better about yourself after you go home with him"?

My breath caught in my throat as he confronted me. There was nothing I could say.

My mouth fell open and my eyes widened as I tried to think of a snappy comeback.

Before the words could form in my alcohol soaked brain, he finished his beer and clanked his glass on the bar. He stood up and reached over and tucked a stray hair that had fallen loose from my poorly secured ponytail, behind my ear. His hand lingered on my cheek, his thumb gently pressing on the side.

"You're better than that, Faith." He stated simply.

He turned and walked out the door without looking back. Leaving me stunned from the gentleness of his caress.

I didn't even notice Jimmy standing beside me, until his arm snaked around my waist.

"You ready"?

"Uh, huh."


	6. Subway Revelations

I opened the door to my apartment and stepped inside, slamming it shut behind me. The images of Faith and Jimmy groping at one another were still playing and re-playing in my brain.

I leaned back on the door and ran my hands through my hair. The very thought of that slimy jag-off touching my partner was more than I cared to think about. AND she was drunk too...that made it worse. Faith just didn't do that sort of thing.

It seemed to me that I was doing a whole lot of worrying about things I couldn't control, so I decided to grab another beer and sit on it.

My fridge definitely needed a good cleaning, I noted to myself as I rifled through the contents, coming up with a nice cold Corona. I kicked the door shut with my foot and proceeded into the livingroom.

There was a movie on tv about a man, Louis and a woman, Marigold, who worked together on the subway, who were in love with each other for years, but wouldn't admit it. They were together day in and day out, working side by side and hiding those feelings. In the end, he ended up confessing his love to her when she fell onto the tracks and just before she got run over, he got down on his hands and knees and yelled it to her. He couldn't reach her, but she died knowing that his love for her would go on, even into eternity.

I wondered what Faith would do if I ever told her I loved her. Would she laugh in my face? Would she tell me she loved me back? Just like Louis and Marigold, would I confess my deepest feelings for her to tell me she loved me too? At that moment, I realized that I really was chasing an impossible dream. Faith didn't love me. If she did, she wouldn't be going home with Jimbo.

The phone rang, interrupting my reverie. I looked over at the clock. It was 2:30 in the morning. I looked at the call display and quickly picked it up.

"Ya?"

"Bosco?"

"Sarah?"

"Hi, sorry it's late but I'm just finishing up here and I...um...I missed you tonight. Can I come over?"

"I'd like that. Use the key I gave you. See you in a few, babe." I said, hanging up the phone.

It was like fate brought a cold hand and ran it across my shoulders. My eyes opened and I saw what I had in front of me. She was it. She was the one I needed to spend my life with. It was time to stop chasing the dream.

I could spend the rest of my life pining away for Faith, or I could just forget about it and start a new life with Sarah. My 30th birthday was coming up and I decided that by 12:00 on that night, I would have made a final decision on what direction I was going to go.

It seemed to me that loving two women should have been easy, but it wasn't. The constant struggle was wearing me down and I knew I needed to give one up. I knew which one.


	7. The Morning After

I didn't bother waking Jimmy up when I left this morning. I knew that the last thing either of us needed was to talk about what had happened between us. Waking up next to him was like waking up with a mug of rich hot chocolate covered with sprinkles and whipcream. It's nice, but not something you want first thing in the morning, unless you want to get sick. I knew I had to get out of there before I did something else I might regret.

I lay for a moment, taking in the look of him. He was definitely the best looking guy I had ever been with. His dark hair was rumpled and his eyes were shut tight, but his face was relaxed and he looked almost like one of those Greek gods. I swear I was getting turned on just by looking at the man. He was such a fest for the eyes.

I peeked under the covers, hoping to see myself fully clothed. Hell, I would have taken partially clothed, but to no avail. I was naked as the day I was born.

I scooted out from under the covers and immediately brought my hands to my head. I had a terrific headache, along with a sick stomach. I really didn't want to throw up at his place. I found my jeans and underwear rather quickly but couldn't find my shirt or my bra. Afraid that he'd wake up before I had my chance to escape, I grabbed a t-shirt off the dresser and put it on. Realizing that I still had no bra on, I grabbed a sweatshirt and threw it on as well. I took a quick look in the mirror and realized that I didn't look that bad. My hair was messy, but my makeup was still in tact and my eyes were bright. Anyone who saw me this morning would take one look at me and know that I'd had a wild night.

It was plain to see that this was only a one time thing. I didn't want or need a relationship with Jimmy. After all, he'd been unfaithful to Kim when he was with her and with Brook too. It seemed that he just couldn't keep his hands to one woman. Sure, he'd spread the love around. That's what he'd been doing for quite some time. I hoped that no one would find out what had happened between us, especially Bosco. He'd flip if he ever found that out. He hated the firefighter and made no bones about it. I just had to keep this to myself and hopefully Jimmy would feel the same.

I exited the apartment gracefully and started to walk home. It was gonna rain for sure. The sky was all cloudy and black, suggesting a downpour very soon. I groaned to myself. It was going to be one of those days. I could tell.

A few blocks into my walk it started to rain. Huge drops hit me and bounced off the gray city sidewalk, as I started to jog for home. Moments later it turned into a downpour, making children and adults alike, run for the nearest shelter. I saw a sign for Denny's and decided to go in and grab a cup of coffee. Coffee always made my headaches go away, especially when they were from a hangover.

I pushed open the heavy, rain streaked glass door and made my way inside. I sat down at a booth in the back and proceeded to wipe the wet hair off of my face. My waitress came over and took my order and brought back a steaming mug of coffee in a pretty red mug with flowers on it. I'd never seen such a funny looking mug at a restaurant. Weren't they usually plain white?

As I contemplated the complexness of the cup, I was interrupted by a voice I'd know anywhere.

"Hey Yokas. Whataya doin' here all wet? Ya look like a drowned rat."

Bosco. Just the guy I didn't want to see this morning.

"Hi Bos. Just getting coffee." I said nervously.

There was a heavy silence as I slurped away at my beverage.

"You wanna sit down or something"? I gestured to the empty seat across from me, hoping he'd say no.

"Don't mind if I do". He said, sliding into the booth. He pulled off his jacket and signaled the waitress with his hand. "Over here. Coffee."

"She's not a dog, Bosco". I snapped, remembering how irritating he could be first thing in the morning. "You don't call her like that. Geez, what are you? Five?"

He held up his hands and made a face at me, narrowing his eyes at me. "What's your problem Yokas? Didn't get enough _sleep_"?

He stressed the word 'sleep'. It was his way of asking if things had gone further with Jimmy. I'd almost have said that he was bothered by his own question. Was he jealous? No. That couldn't be it. It had to be because he hated Jimmy's guts. That was all.

I couldn't let him know the truth. And not for the first time in our partnership, I opened my mouth and lied strait to his face.

"I slept fine. I'm just tired today. I got home late and I threw up everything I drank." I lied.

He raised his eyebrow at me. "You didn't get it on with dumbbell?" He asked, as he slurped his own coffee. Man, I hated it when he did that. I felt like saying "Drink it or I'll have to put it in a sippy cup for you".

"Nah. We just shared a cab. That's it."

What I could describe as only relief briefly passed through his features. I couldn't put money on it, but it felt like he was happy about me going home alone. If he only knew.

"Yah? I thought for sure that you'd gone and made an ass of yourself with that jerk". He said, getting back to his regular wise-cracking self.

I rolled my eyes. " Thanks a lot, but I can take care of my own life. I don't need advice from the guy who's slept with every woman in New York City." I scoffed at him.

"Whatever". He said. But I could tell that he felt better. It annoyed me that he'd act that way because he felt some mocho possessiveness over me, just for being his partner. He hated Jimmy that much, that he just had to make sure I hadn't slept with him. It was like one-upping him or something.

I stood up and dropped two dollars on the table. "See you later, then". I said. It was still pouring cats and dogs out there and I wanted to get home and get sick in my own bathroom. The coffee just didn't help.

"I just sat down. The least you could do is keep me company while I drink my coffee" He whined. Geez, he sounded like such a little kid.

"Why don't you call Sarah? She'll come down and babysit you". I kidded, as I pulled my hood up and tied it.

"Ha ha. She's at the Tea Room this morning, or I would have brought her with me."

"The Tea Room? What's with that dump anyway?" I asked.

"She owns it." He said simply, before finishing his own coffee and throwing a dollar on the table.

Oh. She owns it. Slap me in the head now. She owns the joint.

I didn't comment. What could I say?

He picked up his jacket and pulled it on. "Ya. Her father left it to her in his will. He died like a couple of months ago. It was in the family for like fifty years or......".

He stopped talking and I felt a hand on the back of my sweater. I stopped walking and turned to face him.

He was angry now. He eyes flashing blazes as he continued around me. "Nice Faith. Really nice." He spat at me as he pushed open the door and left me standing speechless.

"What the..." I turned around, trying to see what had made him so angry.

My own question was answered as I looked at my reflection in the diner window at the large writing on the back of my sweatshirt.

FDNY.


	8. Pinnochio's Nose

She lied to me. She flat out lied. I couldn't believe she did it again! I mean, she'd done it in the past about her cancer and it nearly ruined our friendship, and here she was, lying to me all over again. Wearing that damn FDNY shirt of Dorhety's.

A thousand things ran through my mind as I dodged the heavy torrents of rain to get to my car. I opened the door and jumped in, thinking that I'd rather be anywhere other than where I was. I sat there for a good five minutes brooding about my partner's betrayal. How could I ever trust her again?

I wiped off my face with the sleeve of my jacket and looked in the mirror. I don't know if it was the running that put the heat in my face or just the plain anger I was feeling. My chest was heaving in an out in an attempt to catch a good breath. I know I hadn't felt this mad in a long time and there was NO way I was gonna do my shift with her tonight. Nah, I'd call in sick so she'd have to ride with Gussler. That would fix her.

Images of Faith and Jimmy sped through my mind as I put the car into gear and headed for my apartment. It damn near killed me to think about what they'd done the night before. Ugh! I pounded the steering wheel with my fist, thinking I'd feel better. I was wrong.

I knew I was acting like a jealous boyfriend, when I shouldn't have been mad at all. But I couldn't help it. I felt betrayed and cheated on. And it was driving me nuts.

The ringing of my cell phone brought me out of my reverie. At first I wasn't gonna answer it but decided against that, cause if it was her I had plenty to say.

"YA?"

"Bos?"

"What"? I barked into the phone.

"Bosco? What's wrong with you?"

It was Sarah. Oh man. I'd forgotten all about bringing her coffee....that's why I'd gone into Denny's in the first place!

"Sorry. I thought you were fai...someone else." I said, apologetically.

"Oh. Are you bringing me my coffee now?" She teased, lightly.

"Ya. I'm on it right now. I'll be there in a few."

"Ok. Oh, and Bos? I'm done here in a little bit and I thought maybe you'd have time before work to...." Her voice trailed off in suggestion.

Any other time I would have driven over there as fast as a woman to a shoe sale, but not this time. I wasn't in the mood, and that was hardly something that I could ever say happened. The truth was that I couldn't get this whole Faith fiasco out of my head.

"Oh I can't. I got some stuff to do." I lied. "But I'll drop the coffee off in a few".

"Ya. Ok." She said, but I could tell she was disappointed. After all, this was me, not some inexperienced jerk. I had the goods and I aimed to please.

After I hung up, I drove on back towards Denny's and got her coffee. I called in sick after that, hoping to buy some time before I had to face Faith again. It began to dawn on me that maybe I just needed a new partner. I mean, we had been partners for over ten years and nothing had happened between us. It was time to move on. I had a new girlfriend. Maybe a new partner would cement it. I was determined to let go of my feelings for her and concentrate on Sarah.

It disappointed me, this new image of Faith. Like Pinocchio's nose: Hers just kept getting longer and longer. How many more lies would she tell me before we were through?

I parked my car and went up to my apartment. My plan was to watch a little tv, eat some junk and not answer my phone. When I reached the landing I saw that there was a note taped onto my door.

I rolled my eyes as I ripped it off. Did she really think that she could leave me a note and that would fix anything? I scoffed as I opened it.

It was short and sweet. _"Meet me at the Tea Room at 8:00"._

I looked up from the note, totally mystified. Why would Faith ask me to meet her at the Tea Room? Like I was going to go and meet her...and how was she gonna be there when she had to work too? AND what made her think that I'd even want to talk to her there? Sarah seemed to be a little cool towards Faith lately, now that I thought about it. It had just come out of the blue. But this note just didn't make sense. Why the Tea Room?

As mad as I was, I had to admit that I was more than a little curious. I had the afternoon to think about what I was gonna say to Faith when I saw her. I guess I'd have to wait and see.


	9. Officer Dorigan

A tear escaped from my eye as I watched Bosco slam the diner door shut behind him. I wanted to run after him and tell him that it meant nothing to me. Jimmy meant nothing to me. He was just a way to spend a lonely evening. But I didn't. He didn't want my explanation and I think I'd lost the right to having him listen to one.

Damn it. I really screwed up this time. Royally. The last time I had lied to Bosco I'd felt guilty for months. Hiding the fact that I had cancer from him was the hardest thing I'd ever done and when he'd found out he was so hurt that I knew I couldn't risk keeping things from him ever again. Not if I wanted to keep my partner and my friendship.

I was feeling sorry for myself as I walked home in the rain. It dripped off my hair and ran into my eyes, making everything blurry as I made my way back to my empty apartment. I was almost glad that I'd taken Jimmy's sweater with me. That was until my cell phone rang.

I ran under a magazine stand and flipped it open. The guy working the stand started over to me.

"Hey! This ain't no pit stop lady! Buy somethin' or get the hell out of here!"

"Hold on, yourself, there buddy! I'm a cop! You wanna say that to me again?" I barked, while pointing my finger at him and giving my best tough voice. He shook his head and walked back behind the counter stand.

Hoping it was Bosco, I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey there. Why did ya run out on me like that this morning?"

I blinked and then shook my head. No! It wasn't supposed to happen like this! He wasn't supposed to call!

I could still get out of this conversation. It was still pelting rain and the wind was picking up, so technically I could get away with a little lie. One more couldn't hurt, right?

I took a deep breath and shouted into the phone. "Last night was a mistake, Jimmy. Let's just forget it ever happened. You've got Kim to think about and I...I...just can't deal with this right now and I can't hear you good. Bad reception. I'll call you later."

I shoved the phone back into my pocket, hoping that he got the hint. I just wanted to get home and throw up. Then, I wanted to lie down in my own bed and get a couple hours of sleep before work. I dreaded going into work.

My phone rang again. Oh, let it be Bos. Let it be Bos. I thought silently.

"Hello"?

"Faith! Don't hang up!" It was Jimmy again.

"Jimmy..I said I'd call you later. I can't hear you good and I......"

"I thought I'd let you know about your keys".

"My keys? What about my keys?"

His deep voice chuckled. "You left your keys at my place." He said in a slightly sing song voice.

His tone implied that maybe I'd known all along that I'd left them there, just so I could go back.

Choosing to ignore the immature remark, I slapped my hand against my jeans pocket. There were no keys in there.

"Those must be somebody else's cause mine are right here in my......" I drove my hand into the pocket of the sweatshirt. Nothing.

"Don't tell me...oh damnit!" I growled, knowing that I couldn't avoid him now.

"Where are you?" He asked.

"Uh, I'm at the corner of Arthur and Muldoon". I said, checking the street sign behind me.

"I'll be there in two minutes. Hang on."

I closed my phone again and stuffed it back into my pocket. The magazine guy was looking pointedly at me again. Was it a crime for me to stand under the lousy paper stand for more than two minutes?

I dug a dollar out and slapped it down on the counter. "Fine! I'll take the paper". I said, snidely, grabbing the Post and stuffing it under my sweater. "But I won't ever buy anything from you again, mister" I lectured, pointing at him again.

"Oh! Boo hoo!" He threw back, just as snidely. He snatched the dollar and put it in his cash box.

"You really should be ashamed of yourself, you know". I continued as I stood under the canopy, knowing full well that I was just blowing off steam on this poor man, because I was mad at myself.

He raised his eyebrows at me. "Oh really, _I_" he pointed at his chest. "_I _should be ashamed? Because _I'm_ trying to make a living, _I _should be ashamed?"

He came out from around his little counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Seems like you should be ashamed of yourself." He said, smiling smugly.

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe you should stay home instead of making mistakes that you have to correct over the _phone_ the next day".

"What? Did you just say....what....WHAT?" I sputtered, so shocked and angry at this stranger's intrusive line of questioning. I could hardly believe what he had just said to me.

I took the paper out from under my sweater and started to roll it up. He looked at me incredulously. What I did next I couldn't even believe myself. I have never been what you'd call a violent person, _but this guy just pushed me too far! _

I walked over and hit him over the head with it, the black ink making a big smudge over his forehead. "That's for listening in on my conversation"! I yelled.

Then I swatted him again. This time across the side of his head. "And that is for commenting on something that you know nothing about".

His face was the picture of shock and then outrage. Pure outrage. His eyes became as big as saucers and his chest heaved in and out, complemented by his huge nostrils flaring. He was starting to remind me of a bull.

He reached out and grabbed the paper out of my hand and smacked me clear across the face with it! Then he pushed my shoulder and sent me flying backwards onto my ass. I landed in a cold, deep puddle. The water running over my legs and feet. It was one BIG puddle.

I jumped up, ready to go as long as it took to kick his ass, when a pair of strong hands grabbed me around the waist.

I bucked and threw my head back, feeling the cracking of bone and then I dropped to the ground once again, as the hands dropped from my waist.

"UHHHH! YOU BROKE MY NOSE!"

I looked up to see Jimmy standing over top of me, his hands cupped around his face, the blood flowing freely through.

Magazine guy came rushing over toward Jimmy with a Kleenex. "She assaulted me. Are you a police officer?" He tattled.

I looked up and gave Jimmy a desperate pleading look. I knew I'd lost my temper and made yet ANOTHER mistake. I was racking them up pretty good today. If this man decided to press charges against me, I'd be fried for sure.

Jimmy sensed my plea and reached out for the Kleenex, after giving me a dirty look.

He turned to face the magazine man after rolling up the Kleenex and stuffing it in his nose. He looked ridiculous, standing there like that, but I'd just broken his nose, so I had no room to comment.

"Yes. I'm Officer Dor...Dorigan. From the 21st Precinct. I'll see to it that this young lady is reprimanded and looses three days pay".

"Three days pay for assaulting my face"? He cried " That's not right...that's just not right".

"Well sir, what exactly did she do to your face?" Jimmy asked, putting on a pretty good impression.

He blanched. "Well, it's not exactly _what _she did, it's _how_ she did it."

Jimmy raised his eyebrow. "What did she do?"

He turned his nose up. "She...she slapped me with her...her... newspaper." He said, dramatically.

Jimmy suppressed a laugh and then turned to me. "Is that true, miss?" his eyes were twinkling with mischief.

I nodded. " But he hit me back with the paper in question and he also pushed me in this here mud puddle...and now my back feels like it may be really hurt". I whined, and rubbed my back.

Jimmy turned back. " Well sir, if that's true then I'll have to escort the young lady to the hospital and I'll tell you that if she's been hurt" he turned toward me " there might be a court case in which you'll be charged with assault as well." He said, winking at me.

Magazine guy took that in. " Well. Maybe we can settle this right now then. We'll just forget this ever happened." He said

Jimmy nodded and started forward, his hand outstretched.

"The City of New York thanks you sir, for your compassion and your smart thinking. Have a good day now."

He turned back to me and gave me a look. He reached out and grabbed me by the arm and dragged me toward his car.

I looked back at the magazine guy and stuck out my tongue. He gave me the finger in response.

"How's your nose"? I asked, apologetically, hoping he wasn't too mad.

He looked over at me and shook his head, pretending to be mad.

" Are you ever gonna get a spanking"!


	10. A Familiar Face

A Familiar Face

Promptly at eight I arrived at the Tea Room. All afternoon I had been wondering why Faith would ask me to meet her there. As far as I knew, she thought the place was too swanky. Now I was beginning to get nervous. Maybe it wasn't her after all. I had on a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt and some sneakers. I should have known that it wasn't appropriate dress for a place like this.

I took a deep breath and opened the heavy oak door. The Tea Room was a pretty nice spot. It was actually in an old bar that had been re-decorated and refurbished after the second world war. The entire length of it was done in a dark wood paneling that was complimented by its low lighting and maroon walls. To the right, when you stepped through the door, were huge overstuffed chairs with a chintz print. In front of each pair of chairs sat dark walnut coffee tables with big candle holders with sweet smelling candles in them. There was an enormous fire place at the very front of the room that was lit and burning. A white sheep skin rug sat before the fire, giving the place the feel of a cozy log cabin. To the left of the room were small tables, each with white linen table cloths and china place settings. There was a bar at the very back of the room that ran the entire length of the wall. Huge mirrors loomed all around, giving the appearance that it was larger than it actually was.

Sarah's father had left it to her in his will. She had grown up here, helping her mother serve tea and cakes to the rich ladies who frequently came in to spend their husband's money and catch up on all the latest gossip.

I'd never set foot in the place before I'd met Sarah. It was an upscale place and there was nothing upscale about me. On the contrary, I was more happy sitting at my ma's bar, listening to her drone on and on about nothing. At least I felt at home. I grew up in that bar, watching my ma serve old, useless drunks every day and put up with their abuse. It was no different at home. Sarah's parents took her on vacation in Vermont and they summered in Maine. We had been raised very differently.

I always felt uncomfortable in the Tea Room. Like everyone was looking at me and wondering why I was sitting at _their_ tables, drinking _their_ beverages, when I clearly should have been elsewhere. The whole atmosphere made me feel like the low class bum my father always told me I was.

The truth was that I only went there for Sarah. I didn't have the heart to tell her just how different our backgrounds were. She had yet to meet my mother or my little brother. She always asked to meet them but how could I bring her to that? Bring her to my drunk ma's bar? Let her meet my alcoholic/drug addict brother? It wasn't likely to happen any time soon.

But Sarah always did her best to make me feel like I belonged. Like I was just as good as those old biddies who came in wearing their fur coats and jewellery. She made me want to be a better man, and in doing so, made me confront my own worst fear? Could I be that man?

I was no Harvard graduate. I didn't 'summer'anywhere or have any inclinations to do so. Even though she tried, I still had the feeling that I was meant to be somewhere else. With someone else.

She felt so right but it seemed that there was still something missing from my life. It's just that there were certain things she didn't get about me. Small things that would be trivial to someone else but not to me. Like the way that I hated lettuce on my cheeseburgers and I only ate turkey once a year and wanted to keep it that way. She didn't understand why I didn't want to go to the zoo, but that I loved animals. She didn't get that I just didn't want to move to the richest part of town into a new condo. I liked where I lived. There were other things that she didn't understand about me, too. Like how I hated Wednesdays and why I couldn't watch movies that had a lot of women being beat up. Granted, I never told her about my past, but sometimes the questions got to me. I wasn't one to talk about my feelings all the time. Why do women always want to talk about feelings?

These were things that only one person knew and I wasn't sure if I wanted to share them with anyone else. Faith was the only person to ever see me cry. She was the only one who held me when I cried and never brought it up again. She was the only one who knew what my dad used to do to my ma and Mikey and I. The only one who understood why I became a cop and why I had to do some of the things I did.

These things had become special to me. Things that were a secret between us. We had an unspoken bond that stretched from her to me, like an invisible link that held us securely in place. We had our ups and downs from time to time, but we never stayed angry at one another for too long. Accept this time. I didn't know how I was going to work through this, but I knew I'd have to face her tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day. I couldn't call in sick forever.

Even in the silences that fell between us, we still felt comfortable to say anything and to always let the other know how we were feeling. The bickering and bantering was a constant between us, but even in that, we knew that it was just our way. Our way of communicating that we had something stronger than anyone else had. At least I thought that way. I never told her, but she knew. I know she knew.

I just didn't know how I was going to trust her now. Trust was always the biggest issue with me and she was the only person I trusted. I was still hurt and I knew that this wasn't going to go away. Still, something made me feel melancholy, like I was missing her. It almost made me want to forgive her. Almost.

I looked around the dimly lit room to see if I could recognize anyone. I didn't. But then I heard my name being called. It was a voice I'd know anywhere and it was a voice I didn't like. It was coming from behind me at a table in the corner. I turned around, hoping that it wasn't who I thought it was. My fears were futile. It was Jimmy Dorhety.


	11. Living

It was Jimmy's idea to go back to his place and grab a bite to eat. I didn't really feel like it, but since he hadn't bothered to take my keys with him, I knew I had to go if I wanted them back. Plus, I felt guilty for breaking his nose.

He opened the apartment door and led me inside. My mouth fell open when I saw the kitchen table. He had a green linen table cloth with two sets of dishes and the proper cutlery beside them, waiting for hungry hands to pick them up.

On the counter a glass pitcher of juice waited with two glasses beside it. Bread was in the toaster waiting to be toasted. Bacon and eggs sat waiting to be fried, along with a bowl, with what I assumed to be pancake batter.

All this for me? I was confused at his show of proper attention. Everyone knew Jimmy's reputation was tarnished and very smeared. He was famous for taking a girl home and making her leave after they were done. He never seemed to talk to them again, and he never showed any remorse for his actions.

Everyone has done it: Brought someone else home or gone to theirs and most times the girl can always complain about how they were treated. He didn't call. He didn't even say goodbye; He wasn't attentive or he didn't even have breakfast with her. Sometimes you just wanted to get out of there. But there were those times that you wanted to stay. You wanted to bask in the glow of their company...but not often.

It was different with Jimmy. I hadn't expected a call, much less a breakfast date. I didn't know how to handle the gesture. It was ok to not expect something, then you wouldn't be disappointed, but this totally threw me and I didn't know how to respond.

"Sit down and make yourself comfortable". He gestured, pointing toward the elegantly set table. He smiled at me then, his dark eyes sparking impishly, making me re-think my hesitations. After all, it was a very nice thing for him to do, especially after I had run out on him, not to mention the nose.

I smiled at him and sat down. He got to work, frying the bacon and eggs and then making some coffee. He set a large mug in front of me with milk and sugar already added. I tasted it: It was perfect.

I turned around in my seat and faced him. "How'd you know how I took my coffee"?

He had the decency to blush as he looked my way. His cheeks flushed, making my heart flutter at his obvious embarrassment over my question.

"I asked Bosco one time." He said, simply, as he turned his back to me again to mix the pancake batter.

"You asked Bosco what I took in my coffee?" I asked.

"Yep. It just came up in conversation".

"Came up? How does it come up?"

He sighed heavily and wiped his hands on his sweatpants and sat down in the chair opposite me. He took my hands into his.

"Faith. I like you, okay? I asked because I hoped to get you a coffee one day and maybe then dinner and then who knows? I'm _glad _you came here last night. I'm _glad_ that we were together like we were. I had a _great _time with you and _I want to do it again_...although you seem to think it was a mistake." He finished, searching my face to see if I'd correct him.

I gently pulled my hands out of his and began to bite my nails. He narrowed his eyes and then stood up and went back to the counter.

"Jimmy, this is just too...fast. I don't know what to say. My divorce just went through and I'm...I'm confused. I didn't even expect to hear from you again." I confessed, now watching for his reaction.

He turned, his palm flat on the surface of the counter. He licked his lips slowly and sucked in a breath. Was it my imagination or was he genuinely disappointed that I didn't know what I wanted?

He looked at me; his face a mixture of what I now was sure was disappointment.

"Faith, let's just eat this nice breakfast. But I want you to know that I want to take you out. When you're ready." He turned back to his busywork. "I'll wait". He said softly. Almost so softly I didn't hear him.

I have to confess, I was starting to get turned on by this sensitive side of Jimmy. He was showing me a part of himself that I'm sure not many others saw. Maybe Kim had seen it on occasion and that's what had kept her hanging on. Or it could have had everything to do with the fact that the man was absolutely amazing to be with.

Either way, I was beginning to consider letting him take me out. What could it hurt? Bosco was all caught up with Sarah and she wasn't going anywhere. Maybe it was time to just get over it and move on with someone new. I had to face it: Getting over someone was going to be a lot easier with someone like Jimmy to help. It's not like Bosco and I had a future together. Feelings of jealousy and attraction could happen to friends, right?

It was entirely possible however, that Jimmy was only in for the chase. Maybe he'd made a bet with some of the other firefighters about me, I reasoned. Or maybe he really does like you, my other half seemed to say.

I wasn't what you'd call a very spontaneous person by nature. I liked to know what I was doing on Friday night. I liked to know where my relationships were headed and how long it would take to get there. I enjoyed knowing the ending of a movie before I watched it and yes, I did flip open a book at the end to see how it turned out before I read it from the start. And look at how your boringness made your life turn out, I thought. My husband had left me; my kids were gone and I had no one.

At that moment, I let fate take over. I knew it was foolish. I knew I'd probably regret it later on, but my impulses told me to just let it go and see where I ended up.

By this time, Jimmy had finished our breakfast and set a big plate in front of me. I was famished and the wonderful smell of bacon, eggs and pancakes made my stomach churn in anticipation.

I smiled the first genuine smile of my day. "Thanks, Jimmy."

I picked up a fork and dug in. "This is really good." I added.

He smiled back, seemingly pleased by my compliment.

"Does this mean you're gonna go out with me on a real date, then?" he asked, learning over and kissing me on the cheek, taking me off guard.

Damn all the questions that filled my head with doubt. Damn all the hurt feelings that this would cause. Damn it all. I wanted to go out with him. I wanted to see what it was like to have someone special for a change.

Impulsively, I turned my head and kissed him on the mouth. He tasted like strawberry jam and bacon.

He licked his lips after I pulled away and reached over and cupped my face with his hands and leaned in for another.

Our kiss deepened and lengthened until our breakfasts were forgotten and we were moving toward his bed.

Damn them all. I was living for a change.

I


	12. A Night to Remember

I started to turn around and head for the door. There was no way I was going to talk to this clown. What more could happen with my day? It had already been ruined and the last thing I wanted to do was sit down with the very reason I was sour.

"Bosco, come here!" Jimmy nearly shouted, causing different customers to turn and stare. Some with approval, after seeing what he looked like, others not approving at all. One lady put her finger to lips and shushed him.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to him. I really wasn't in the mood, but at the risk of the customers complaining about some of the things I _could have _and _should have _said, I walked over to his table to see what the jerk wanted.

If I wasn't dressed for the occasion, he certainly was. He had on a pair of dressy slacks and a red button down shirt with some Doc Martins. It kind of took of off guard to see him dressed so stylish. We didn't usually see each other dressed in anything other than our uniforms or our jeans and t-shirts. The way he was dressed made him look like a male model. It made me sick.

"What do you want Dorhety? I hope you aren't gonna ask me out or somethin." I deadpanned as I pulled a chair out and sat down across from him.

He laughed and ran his hand through his dark hair. "Pretty good, huh"? He asked, with a mock superiority I had come to know as his entire personality. "But I wouldn't give you the satisfaction".

"Like I said: What do you want? And why did you want to meet me here?"

He leaned forward on the table, his elbows resting comfortably on top.

"I saw your girlfriend outside of the station the other day and she told me about her place. I thought I'd check it out again. She's done a lot of work to it in the last couple of years. It's a nice a place as any to talk, dontcha think?"

It was my turn to lean forward. It made me instantly jealous to think that he knew my girlfriend. I could think of at least three or four times that we were in the presence of each other and both acted like they had never met before.

The more I thought about it, in that few seconds, I realized that they had met quite a few times and the first time they were introduced, they had barely even looked at one another. Come to think of it, they had never even spoken in my presence.

"How do you know Sarah"?

He blushed and looked away for a second before answering me. My heart was thumping like a tin drum in my chest. I knew what was coming next. I chewed on my bottom lip, hoping he wasn't going to tell me that he used to date her.

"We used to date." He said, as casually as he would answer a question from a stranger. But I was no stranger to him. It was common knowledge that Sarah and I had been dating for a while. He knew that. He knew how to push my buttons. That's what he knew.

I felt my stomach knot with anger. He was acting so cavalier about the fact that he dated her, I knew it was to get under my skin. It was under. Way under.

This felt like Nicole all over again. I had to hear it from everyone else how she had slept around. Not that Sarah had slept around, but why hadn't she told me she used to date Jimmy? This had deja vu written all over it. I remember the day I had confronted Nicole about sleeping around. Faith had tried to talk me out of it but I had to do it. I couldn't stand the fact that every guy in our precinct knew more about my girlfriend than me. This was the same; only worse. It was Jimmy Dorhety. The guy who I pretty much hated and competed with for years over everything. She had been with Jimmy. Now, he'd slept with the only two girls I'd ever cared about. It made me want to punch the face right off of him.

Upon closer inspection, I saw that someone had already beaten me to it. His nose was swollen. Something that had gone unnoticed because of the darkness of the room.

"What happened to your nose? You look like a clown". I said, changing the subject before I really lost it on him.

Again he chuckled and brought his hand up to touch it gingerly. "Oh, that. Uh, Faith got into a little altercation with a street vendor this morning and I got into the middle of it and she head butted me and broke my nose"

I snorted. "Yokas broke your nose"? "Bet ya deserved it". I said under my breath.

Jimmy leaned forward again. "What's that?"

Just then, Sarah came out from the back room carrying a case of wine. She smiled at me and set in down on the counter of the bar before coming over to our table. She looked amazing in her black slip dress with her high heel's. Her hair was done up with some lose ends over her forehead and sides. Her red lips bright as her eyes. I felt my knees go weak, as they did every time I saw her. But this time it was from hurt and anger.

"Well, if it isn't the two sexiest guys in New York". She teased as she leaned down to kiss me. Just what I needed to hear to bring me around the bend. I turned my head and her kiss landed on my cheek.

She stepped back, embarrassed by my gesture. She glanced over at Jimmy. In my opinion, they communicated silently as to the situation at hand. He nodded his head ever so slightly, as if to tell her to back off, and she did. She picked up Jimmy's empty beer bottle and rolled it back and forth in her palms. What was this secret communication all about? What were they doing? Making a club?

"You want anything Bos"?

"Beer. No. Actually I want three shots of J.D. and a girlfriend who doesn't lie to me." I said coldly, hoping to hurt her as much as she had hurt me.

She turned and walked away. Hurt, but dignified. The way those kind of girls act. I had her and she knew it. Part of me wanted her to turn around and deny that she had dated Jimmy. I wanted her to tell me he was a liar. That he was just saying that to make me jealous and crazy. Well, he had succeeded in both.

"And keep em comin".

She stopped and turned back to me so I could see what she was feeling. Her brows furrowed when she was hurt or angry and right then I'd say she was a bit of both.

I knew I was being a jerk, but I couldn't help myself. She had lied to me, the way Faith had lied. It made me so jealous to think that Jimmy had slept with her and Faith both. She knew I hated stuff being hid behind my back. Did she think that I couldn't handle it?

I turned my gaze back to Jimmy, who wore a distinct look of disapproval. He shook his head back and forth.

"What?" I demanded.

"You shouldn't treat her like that" he stated simply. Another waitress came over with my shots and a beer for Jimmy.

"Treat her like what? The liar that she is? That you both are?" I fired my words like shots, meant to pierce through his lying skin. I quickly downed all three of my shots.

He pointed his finger at me. Something that I couldn't stand. Nothing in a million years could aggravate me quicker than having a stubby, ignorant ass's finger pointed in my face.

"Liar? What are you talking about? You better watch your words Bosco." he warned. "She isn't someone you can just talk to like that. You think she's gonna stick around for that? She's not that kind of girl". He added as an after thought.

"What kind of girl lies to her boyfriend about _important_ things that this? Were you just _not _gonna tell me you used to _do_ her? Were the pair of you gonna make me _guess_?" I spit at him, while I waved my hand to the waitress to bring me another shot.

Sarah was behind the bar, looking very angry. I had never seen her like that and the looks she was giving me made me pretty sure that things wouldn't be the same again.

Jimmy was really starting to lose his cool. That didn't take much, but we were definitely in the wrong place to be making this scene. Still, I couldn't back down.

"I asked you here tonight because I wanted your advice about something, not to listen to you treat a very nice girl like crap because you can't handle the fact that she used to date someone else. Keep it up and you'll be alone" he snapped, as he stood up from his chair and tossed a five dollar bill on the table.

"And what kind of advice did you think you needed, Dorhety?" I asked as I finished my anger builder and clanked my shot glass down on the table so hard it broke.

Jimmy stopped short and turned around. He held his hand up toward Sarah as she stared toward us.

"I wanted to ask you about Faith". He said solemly. "But it's too bad that you can't act like an adult for five minutes, or you'd see I don't have anything for Sarah. It's Faith that I'm interested in." he finished.

"Psshh". I snorted., as I tried to stand up. I was amazed at how quickly the alcohol had effected me.

"Faith just needed to blow off some steam, Dorhety. I'm sure once she woke up she knew what a mistake she made. Just let it go, man. She won't be serious about you, so don't waste your time". I said, hoping to pierce him with my words as he'd pierced me with his.

He winced and leaned over and pulled me out of my chair and set me on my feet. I slapped his hand away and took out my wallet to pay for my misery.

"She won't be serious with me? Right. That's why she spent the afternoon with me and that's why we're going out on a date right after work...and if it all works out, I'll be cooking her breakfast again tomorrow...just like I did today..."

That was it. I had heard about all I could take for one day. I drew back and punched him in his already broken nose. I heard a sickening crack, as the bone crunched beneath my fist. Jimmy started to stumble backward, but grabbed a hold of my t-shirt and hauled me onto the floor with him. We rolled around, grunting and punching.

I could hear the old biddies screaming and gasping with each punch we delivered. I rolled him over and sat on top, delivering blows to his face and head. It seemed to go on forever, the gasping and even pulling of hair.

I could hear Sarah yelling, pleading for us to stop. Then, the pleading turned to cursing, as she watched us pull one of her table cloths onto the floor, along with the china cups and plates.

We must have been at it for a good fifteen minutes, cause I had nothing left to give to the cause. Every bone in my body ached and my energy level was down to zero.

Dishes broke around us, people shouted at us and others simply left without paying their bills. Jimmy had me on my back and was repeatedly punching my head. Blood spurted from my own nose, which I could tell was also broken.

"BREAK IT UP!" A very loud voice yelled at us. Another loud yell, before the black handle of a billy stick connected with Jimmy's arm.

"BREAK IT UP BEFORE I BUST BOTH YOUR HEADS OPEN".

Jimmy rolled off of me and collapsed on the floor beside me, his hands up.

In a swift movement, a dark figure stood over us.

"GET UP, YOU ASSE'S! YOU'RE BOTH SPENDING THE NIGHT IN JAIL!

Good golly, Miss Molly! It was Faith; and she was royally pissed.


	13. You don't live here anymore

"Of all the pugnacious, puerile, idiotic behavior, I've ever seen, they take the cake"! I ranted to Sasha in the locker room after our shift was over. I

She had been listening to me complain about Bosco and Jimmy for the past few minutes and like the good friend she was, she never interrupted and let me get it out of my system. She knew all about my previous night and the episode in the diner that morning.

I had never had many women friends, but Sasha was all together different. She wasn't the kind of clingy girlfriend. She liked her own space and respected mine. We confided in each other a great deal and we spent some evenings together, just talking and blowing off steam. She was the only other woman on the force that I really talked to. I was friends with Kim, but now I felt guilty for being with Jimmy and not telling her. I knew it had to happen sooner than later...but I was afraid of how she'd react. She had moved on, but it was still going to be complicated.

The only people who knew about Jimmy and myself were Bosco and Sasha. What would be wrong with keeping this to myself for a while? It wasn't like I would never tell Kim and the others, just not right away. I didn't know what would or wouldn't be happening with Jimmy, let alone trying to explain it to an ex-wife and everyone else.

"That bad, huh?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Bad doesn't even begin to describe it. You should have seen them rolling around on the floor, punching and...." I couldn't even find the words to describe their behavior, I was so mad.

I raised my hands above my head in frustration. "Ughhhh! I am so sick and tired of cleaning up after Bosco. He does nothing but act like a jerk. You know what they were fighting over?" I asked her.

"Do you want me to ask?" Sasha said, not sure as to what I wanted.

"They were fighting over _her_." I practically bellowed.

"Her, who?"

"Sarah. Bosco's latest roll in the hay. Jimmy used to date her and Bosco found out and _that's_ how they ended up in the middle of the floor, rolling around like jackasses."

"Ohhhhhh. That explains it." Sasha said, getting up from the bench she was sitting on and walking over to me. She looked around to make sure no one else was within earshot.

"Explains it?"

"The reason you're so jealous, girl. You've got it bad for that boy". She said, nodding to herself, as if she had just figured out the most complicated of riddles.

"For Bosco? Puhleeze! I've got it bad alright! So bad, I may end up breaking his neck the next time I see him!" I said, angrily, looking down at the floor. I couldn't let her see my eyes. She always said the eyes could never lie.

"Alright then. Fool yourself. You can go out with Jimmy Dorhety and you can pretend that you're in to him all you want. But it ain't love. I'm not blind, Faith. You're in love with Bosco and he's in love with you. But you just keep on pretending." she said, as she gathered up her bag.

"Look at me."

I looked.

"Take a deep breath and close your eyes".

"Sas.."

"Just do it."

I did.

"Now, repeat after me."

"I, Faith Yokas, will promise to go home and relax and deal with all this hubbabaloo in the morning:."

I repeated her words and opened my eyes. I did feel a little bit better.

She patted me on the shoulder as she walked toward the door. "I gotta go meet Ty at his place. Bring him some chicken soup, poor baby. But listen to what I said. Call me later if you need anything."

I nodded, not quite sure what to say. She opened the door and turned back to me.

"Hey Faith?"

"Ya?"

"What are you gonna do about them?"

I shook my head as I walked to join her.

"Leave em. They can battle it out."

Sasha threw her head back and laughed. "You're gonna leave them in there all night?"

"Yep. That's exactly what I'm gonna do."

"You ok about missing your date? He did look nice in the dress pants and shirt...before all the blood, that is". She joked, elbowing me softly in the ribs.

Despite myself, I was starting to calm down a bit. Sasha always had this amazing way of mollifying me.

"Ya. I'm good. I'll see you tomorow."

We walked out of the station together and said our final goodbyes. I stared at the black sky and the stars above, wondering why Sasha could see right through me, when no one else could. The air was hot as I made my way toward the subway station. I watched lovers walking hand in hand, declaring their sempiternal devotion to one another. I watched others, who walked apart from each other, as if they were afraid to touch. I wondered how I had gotten to the point where I understood both sides.

I had been desperately in love with Fred at one time. I guess it was the first month or two we'd been together. As the years passed, I felt that space between us growing until we were just too far apart. Now, I was glad we had divorced. I didn't understand how I'd put up with it for so long. I had lost a piece of myself along the way. With motherhood, my job and trying to get along with him, there was nothing left for me. Until now.

I was facing an even bigger dilemma: I had certain feelings for my partner, which I was sure wasn't reciprocated..no matter what Sasha might say..and I had Jimmy, who wanted to start something with me. And I did like Jimmy. It was just more of a physical attraction than anything else.

Despite my reluctance, I had to admit that sasha was right. I was jealous that they were fighting over Sarah. Not only had I lost Bosco to her, but now my current interest wasn't above throwing himself into the middle of the floor for her either. What was it about her, besides her beauty and nice personality, that I didn't have?

I began to feel sorrier and sorrier for myself as I walked toward my empty apartment. I had been looking forward to going out with Jimmy. I had thought about it for most of my shift and I had even brought a nice outfit with me to work. Black dress pants with a matching turtleneck sweater and white pumps for a little contrast. Now, it hung alone in my cold locker. Not worn. Waiting for someone to put it on and wear it some place nice.

I sighed to myself as I pushed my key in into the lock. I opened the door and stepped inside. The kitchen light was on. There was someone in there banging the cupboard doors shut.

The skin on the back of my neck stood up. I silently bent down and un-holstered my off-duty weapon from my ankle and made my way down the hall.

I jumped out from around the corner and yelled "Freeze"!

My heart stopped as I realized who was standing in front of me.

It was Fred.


	14. Confessions of a Dangerous Kind

"Come _on_, man! We've been in here for like three hours already..can't you just let us out"? I yelled at Flanagan, the officer who was in charge of keeping all the drunk and disorderley's in line.

"Cry me a river, Boscorelli. You wanted to act like a jerk, now you're being treated like one". The surly older man smirked.

I hit the side of the cell with my fist, causing me to yelp in pain. " Fine! But the least ya can do is put him "I pointed at Jimmy, who was standing about two feet behind me. "Somewhere else!"

Flanagan winked at me and walked away from us. "Night, night ladies".

I held my hand out to him, thinking that if I changed my attitude, he might give me a break. We worked together, for crying out loud.

"Flanagan! Give me a break, would ya? Just let us out and I'll do you a favor."

Jimmy snorted. "Ya. Like he'd want any favors from you."

"Shut up, prep boy. You can stay in here forever for all I care. But I"m goin' home."

Flanagan walked back over to us. "This is what you'd consider pay back, Bosco."

I blanched. Pay back?

"For what" I shouted at him

He huffed and then shook his head. "You _know for what, _you little jerk". He spit at me from clenched teeth.

"You don't know what you're talking about, ya old geezer. I never did nothin to you".

His eyes widened and his face turned a little bit red. "I'd call sleeping with my _wife,_ doing something to me. Now suck it up before I put you in with the guys who'd _love_ to keep you company".

From behind me I heard Jimmy scoff. "Hugghhh".

I turned on him and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Hugghhhhh? What's hugghhhh? You have a track record of infidelity's trailin behind you, so I don't know what you've got the right to speak for!"

Jimmy scowled at me at walked over and sat down on one of the benches. " It's your fault anyway, Bosco. _You _threw the first punch. _You _had to be a dick."

In all my life, I'd never met anyone as bullheaded and aggravating as the likes of him. All I'd wanted to do is have a quiet evening to myself and look where I ended up. Here. With the very person I could never stand, and now hated.

I couldn't believe that he wanted to be serious with Faith. Jimmy just wasn't her type. She liked guys who..well....I wasn't sure exactly what her type was...but it wasn't Jimmy Dorhety. She was lonely. That's what was wrong. I pumped my head up and down, comfortable with my theory and pointed at Jimmy again.

"You're just mad cause I was right about Faith. She wouldn't get serious with you in a million years! She's lonely and needy right now. She's just...she's just passing time with you, so I wouldn't get too comfortable. She's too good for you. She's classy and she's someone you spend your life with, not a few days or weeks with. You're not the right guy for her.....because she's waiting for someone else".

A slow smile spread over his bloody face. It was his turn to pump his pinhead up and down, as if _he_ knew something that _I _didn't. Man, I hated it when he got all 'superior' on me. The smile turned into a deep chuckle. Obviously, he found something I said funny.

"For who? Someone like YOU"? He laughed, thinking he had me pinned. " Now that's funny. Do you really think she'd ever _lower_ herself? She'd have to be pretty desperate for that". His eyes pierced right into my deepest feelings.

That one hurt and it made me feel like I had got a kick in the stomach. Just thinking that Faith would ever feel that way about me...it just hurt. I knew I wasn't the best guy on the planet..or even close to it..but I'd like to think that she'd consider me before she'd take him. I knew her. I knew everything about her that made her special. I knew what kind of shampoo she liked and what kind she hated. I knew that she loved bacon, but that ham was her favorite. I knew she compassion for everyone, even those gut-rot drunks who nobody could stand. She hated watching movies that made her cry, even though she watched them anyway. I knew her better than he ever could.

What made me wild was the fact that he could read me like a book. He, off all people, saw right through me and it wasn't supposed to be that way. No one was ever supposed to know the thoughts I carried with me day and night. No one should have ever caught on to my secret want and love.

"No. She's not waiting for me. But I can tell you right now that I'd treat her a hell of a lot better than you ever could! And I wouldn't cheat on her either. You don't even know her. You don't know the first thing about her". I shouted, very close to losing control.

He stood up and faced me. A look of superiority spreading over his features. He took about two steps before me, his face breaking out into a mocking grin.

"You really _do_ have a thing for her, don't you?" He accused.

I started to speak, when he cut me off.

"The thing I don't get is why you havn't mentioned Sarah in this whole time we've been in here. It's only Faith you talk about. I always wondered if you liked her. Hell, I wouldn't have put money on it, but it's true. You're in love with your own partner. You're in love with Faith. But don't worry. I won't tell." he said and winked at me.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, DORHETY!" I screamed at him.

I had totally lost it and not denied it, thus admitting that it was true. He read everything into that ten seconds or so it took for me to not say anything else, or to completely ride him off as a lunatic for saying such things.

Jimmy was shocked at my silent revelation. He was still taking in what it meant. I leaned back against the cool concrete wall and covered my face with my hands. This drunken confession was something I was likely to regret.

"Does she know"? He asked quietly

I sighed. "Know?" I snapped.

"Does she know how you feel?" He asked in a tired voice.

I lowered my hands from my face to see if he was serious or just waiting to rail on me again. He took a few steps back and sat down on the bench again. He waited for my answer.

I took in a deep breath, not believing that I was about to talk to him about something so personal. I still can't believe that I did it. In that few minutes of silence, I thought about what he had said. It was like coming to a cross road and not knowing which way to turn. If I turned right I had to tell Faith that I loved her and risk losing everything. If I turned left I had to endure the pain of not knowing if I ever stood a chance with her.

It was as if I had come in from the coldest of days, and found a nice mug of hot tea. It was soothing and just what I needed if I were to attempt to go back outside. Stupid way to say it, but it was true. Faith was my hot mug of tea. Always comforting and true to the end. A sure way to get back out there and face the cold. With Faith, I could always face the cold.

Why it took me fighting with Jimmy and ending up in jail to be able to admit it to another person, I'll never know. It was serendipity at it's best. It was accidental, the way it came about. I didn't plan it, but something fortunate had occurred in the long hours of the night. I was about to freely admit that I loved Faith. Someone hit me over the head. I can't believe what was about to do. There was no turning back. No turning back.

"No. She doesn't".

Jimmy stood up and walked over to me. To my surprise, he held out his hand. I raised my eyebrows and reluctantly took it. We shook hands.

"What was that for? Are you on glue, or what?"

"Game over. You need to tell her. I won't say a word." He said, sincerely.

"Game over?"

"I was just razzing you about you having a thing for Faith. I didn't know that you really did. I wouldn't have taken her....well....I wouldn't have done that with her...if ...well, you know. She's a great girl. I _like_ her. But you _love_ her. So, game over. Do what you gotta do, Boscorelli."

I nodded at him, not knowing what else to say. In that one gesture, he had shown me mercy. He showed me that he was standup guy. He saw what he saw, and he knew that my feelings for Faith were deep...or as deep as another guy can see. We aren't known for our words...but a handshake was all it took for me.

I felt grateful for his silence then. I knew that for the sake of love, Jimmy and I had made a truce. After breaking each others noses, it seemed strange to give up the bad feeling all in one night. But that's what she did for me. That's how I knew it was true.

"Don't go thinking that we're gonna be friends or anything just because I know your little secret, Bosco." Jimmy said, in his arrogant way. That was quick.

"I wouldn't dream of it, jag-off."

"Good".

"Fine".

Jimmy finally lied down on his bunk and went to sleep. I sat up in mine and thought about what I was going to do. I knew that I had to break up with Sarah, if she hadn't already done it first. I'd have to listen to my machine at home to find that out. I did like her, but it wasn't fair to her. Even if Faith didn't love me back, it still wouldn't matter. I couldn't string Sarah along.

For the first time, I knew that I had made a decision that would affect me for the rest of my life. For rich or for poor; in sickness or in health; till death do us part; I loved Faith and I was gonna tell her.


	15. Tempers Flared

"Fred! What the hell are you doing here?" I yelled, furious that he would dare to come in to my apartment when I wasn't home.

He was drunk. I could tell that right away. I hadn't spent the last ten years of my life living with him to not know. If he had only drunk five or so, he was usually amorous and wanted to make love. If he had consumed ten or more he was very aggressive and pushy. Any more than that he always wanted to accuse me of sleeping with Bosco or doing something inappropriate behind his back. I figured that he was anywhere between ten or more. Judging by the way he swayed back and forth and from the smell that was radiating from him.

It was the same fight we always had. His drinking. But not this time. We were divorced and I did not have to listen to a word he said. However, getting him out of the apartment when he was in this condition was an altogether different story.

He was standing in my kitchen in his boxer shorts, listening to Al Green and making a pan of bacon. He set down the spatula he was using to push the meat around on the counter and turned to face me. It was apparent that I hadn't scared him the way he'd scared me.

"Faith, baby. I had the hardest time getting in here tonight. You changed the locks." He said, his eyes half sewn shut. This was the way he acted when he wanted something. If I argued or didn't act like he was totally in the right, he would become angry or even violent.

I could feel my anger growing by leaps and bounds as I stood there, watching him attempt to cook his meal and act like he had every right to be here.

"Fred. I'm going to ask you once to leave. Just once. You've broken into my home. I could have you arrested". I growled through clenched teeth. "Where are Emily and Charlie?"

He laughed. "Faith. Get a grip. They're at my mom's. Aren't you at least gonna put the gun away?"

I looked down and realized that I was still pointing my gun at him. I lowered my weapon and put on the safety, before returning it to my ankle.

I stood up again and pointed at him. "I mean it, Fred. I'm going to the bathroom and when I come back you better be gone." I said angrily.

He turned his back to me and started to drain the bacon. I knew I should have called the police right away, but I really had to go to the bathroom and it couldn't wait. It made me angry that he would have the audacity to turn his back to me and keep on making his meal. A meal that I had paid for. It was my food and I didn't want to share it with him!

I headed off down the hall, grumbling to myself, wishing I had more guts. The kind of guts I had when I was at work. There, I could handle the biggest of guys, but at home, when it came to Fred, I seemed to become that intimidated little girl again. I could never tell him exactly what I had been thinking, for fear that he'd hit me in front of the kids, or if not in front of, then I'd have a bruise I had to explain. I'd always been successful at hiding my bruises in the past. The last few months I had been with him the hitting had stopped. He'd found a girlfriend and he was never home unless it was his turn to be with the kids. He was actually pretty happy most of the time then. I was happy that his mood had improved and foolishly thought that maybe we'd be able to put up with each other until Emily and Charlie had grown up, and all the while he was banging a woman from his work. I should have known that's what was happening.

The worst of it was that he was still coming home night after night and accusing me of sleeping with Bosco. I guess it was the mind's way of acknowledging the possibility that I could be doing the same thing, if he was. He knew that it was easy for him to cheat, so it wouldn't be hard for me to do it too. Trouble was, I'd been tempted many a time to just climb up on his lap and plant a big kiss on his lips and ask him, no tell him, that I wanted to have a wild night of unrequited passion. Then he'd open his mouth about something or other and I'd come back to my senses. I should have cheated with Bosco. At least we'd have been even.

I slammed the bathroom door shut and walked over to the mirror and peered in, hoping that my reflection would give me some good advice. I was a mess and my image clearly showed me that. My hair was wild and my face was red. My whole body was tense, partly from finding an intruder in my home and partly because I was so wound up over Jimmy and Bosco and the past couple of days. My head had started to ache part way through my shift and was now pounding. All I wanted to do was take a few Advil and go to sleep.

I finished up and went back out into the hallway. I thought I heard the door slam and went to look. I couldn't believe that I had got rid of him that easily. I rounded the corner to the living room and saw Fred sitting on the couch, watching tv.

"What are you still doing here? I told you to get the hell out! I'm calling the police this time!" I yelled, and walked over to grab the portable phone. That gave him the message. He got up off the couch and went to put his jacket on. He turned to me and raised his hands for mercy.

"Faith, please." He said, humbly. He looked like a naughty little boy who was sent to bed without any supper.

I disconnected my call and looked pointedly at him, my patience long gone. "Fred. I want you to walk out of here_ right now_. If you don't leave_ right now _and I mean _now_, I'm going to have you charged."

"I just wanted to talk. I miss you and I want to come home" He whined.

I looked at him incredulously. I couldn't believe that he was standing here, after what he'd done to us, and was asking to get back together.

I took a step toward him and shook my fist in the air. "I wouldn't get back together with you if you were the last man on earth! Now- GET OUT!" I yelled.

His eyes narrowed and he took a step toward me, his own hands now raised in exasperation and defeat. "You just want me to get out cause your precious little Bosco is coming over and you don't want to admit to me that you've been with him all along!"

He_ was_ drinking, to be thinking that. I also suspected that he had hit his head really hard on something to imagine such nonsense. Bosco was locked up and he certainly had little or no chance of getting out early, especially with his favorite officer looking after him.

"What do you mean? Bosco isn't coming over here. He's.....busy tonight". I said, choosing my words carefully.

If Fred thought Bosco was in the drunk tank, I'd never hear the end of it. That would be a whole new area for him to concentrate on other than the usual.

It was clear to me that I had said the wrong thing. Fred's face turned a deep shade of red as he stared at me.

"You're such a liar Faith! He was here. Less than ten minutes ago, he knocked on this door and when he saw me, he just turned and left without saying a word. You've been sleepin with him the whole time, havn't you?" He accused.

Bosco had come here? Why would he do that? I couldn't imagine how he'd gotten out of the tank so quickly, and wondered why he'd show up here when he was so mad at me.

I didn't want to explain myself any further. To Fred or to anyone else. I grabbed the phone again and dialed the precinct.

"Hi. It's Faith Yokas. Can you send a car over to my apartment please? My ex-husband broke in and was here when I got home."

Fred's eyes bulged. He never thought I'd actually go through with it. He walked over to the door and opened it. He cast me a scathing glance and slammed it shut.

"Never mind. It's ok now. He just left." I said. I walked over and locked the door behind him.

Sleep was a hard won prize for me that night. I tossed and turned for hours, wondering what Bosco had wanted.

I guessed that I'd find out soon enough. I just hoped that our friendship could stand what ever was to come.


	16. Crushed

As I approached the door to her apartment, I felt like I was going to throw up. It had taken me close to ten years to come to this place and now that I was here I could only feel scared. My hands were sweaty and stomach was doing serious flip-flops. It wasn't just the alcohol that was making me feel that way, it was the fact that I was about to put my heart on the line and nothing was ever gonna be the same again. I ran my hand through my already messy hair and knocked on the door.

I licked my dry lips as I heard the chain being pulled back. This was the defining moment where I knew I'd look back in twenty years and tell our kids that this was how their mother and I finally got together. It felt so romantic, even to me.

I couldn't believe it. It was Fred. In his underwear.

Crushed. That's how I felt. It's a powerful word when you think about how deep it can go. Like a car in the junk yard, about to lose the only thing it had left; it's shell. I felt my blood run cold, right down to my legs. Face to face with that jerk again. He crushed me. He took the moment away from me. _The most important moment of_ _my whole life_.

That was all I needed to realize just how stupid I really was for thinking that I could tell her how I felt. What I didn't understand was why Fred was there. I mean, they were divorced now. Maybe it was just a one night fling. I guess she was really on a roll...first it was Jimmy then Fred. Jeez, I was starting to really not like the way she was acting....it was kind of like....me.

I walked back to my car and drove home. It was really late but I couldn't sleep. I was so would up emotionally from the whole evening. In a matter of hours I had experienced so many extremities, it was hard to untangle how I was feeling. I had gone from curiosity to anger to extreme anger and finally excitement and nervousness.

I had always dreamt of telling Faith how I felt. I just didn't think I'd ever be seriously contemplating how I'd go about it. I thought that when I knocked on the door that she'd open it and just fall into my arms....because she'd know. There wouldn't have to be any words right away. But I'd hold her in my arms and kiss her and she'd just feel how I felt. She'd know that I was in love with her, because she was in love with me, too. At least that's how I imagined it would happen. Or should I say, hope.

I tossed and turned until after 3:00, hoping to think of a way out of how I was feeling. Just as I was drifting off, a knocking awoke me.

I was secretly hoping that maybe it was Faith. I swung the door open, a little more eager than I intended.

It was Sarah. And she had big news.


	17. Morning Tryst

I woke up to the sun shining through the pink sheer curtains in my bedroom. I rolled over and scrubbed my face awake with my palms. Mornings were always my favorite part of the day.

It was almost romantic, the way the sun shone into the room, its rays making the top of my quilt warm. I could see the dust particles dancing in the air, being lit up by the light of a new day.

I always imagined waking up next to Bosco on a morning like this. I'd open my eyes and just stare at him for a while, taking in the virile handsomeness of him. His face relaxed into a peaceful slumber. His hair messy and on end.

I'd run my hand through his hair and wake him up with kisses on his neck and face. He'd wake up and reach out for me, bringing me to him. He'd wrap his arms around me and murmur words of love. He'd tell me he didn't know what he'd have done without me, that he'd never have made it on his own. That he could never live without me by his side.

It was my dream and it still made me feel warm all over every time I'd think about it. Lately, he'd been there with me every morning, if not in body, than in my mind. It made my stomach turn when I would think that maybe I should tell him how I felt. It was a chance that I didn't know if I was willing to take.

Although Bosco was always on my mind, there was someone else that I was thinking about. Jimmy.

I knew that Jimmy and I would never be an item, but he had made me feel alive when no one else on this planet could. He made my body sing and my eyes water with the intensity of his lovemaking. He had made me feel desirable when I had felt ugly inside.

It was unlike me to consider having a fling more than once. I had never done this kind of thing before and I'd never thought that I'd be doing it with Jimmy Dorhety. But I wanted to feel alive again and Bosco certainly wasn't coming to my aid, so it was up to me to go where I was wanted.

I knew in my heart that Bosco was upset over me lying to him and maybe even more than that. Sometimes I couldn't tell if he was jealous or if he was just being a jerk. Upon closer inspection, it was probably a bit of both. He'd never tell, though, how he felt about anything serious, so it was still very hard to tell.

I peeled back the covers and got out of bed. I wanted to have a quick shower before I went over to Jimmy's. I wanted to straiten out the episode of last night and I also wanted to see if I could find out what the whole deal was with Sarah. It bothered me more than I cared to admit, that the both of them were fighting over her. I wanted to know more and I knew just the way to get it.

Bad, I was. I knew it, too. I was being like Bosco in more ways than one. I was using someone for instant gratification, just like the rest of the male gender. I knew Jimmy had some feelings for me, but it wasn't going anywhere. Jimmy was very good at some things, but not so good at others. Being a husband and an honest person were not first or even second nature for him. He was a known liar, cheater and all round rogue. But the one thing he was good at would make up for the rest for the time being. I had no intention of getting serious with him.

I sang to myself in the shower, actually getting excited and a little nervous about going to see Jimmy. I dressed in my best pair of jeans and a t-shirt, not forgetting to put on a matching bra and underwear set. I let my hair fall down around my face and I actually put makeup on, including lipstick and eyeliner and a little blush.

I was very satisfied with myself as I looked in the mirror. My face was flushed and my eyes were bright and sparkly. I put on some lipstick and sprayed a new perfume on my wrists and on my shirt.

I grabbed my duffle and headed toward the door. I took the bus over to Jimmy's apartment and walked up the stairs toward number five. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

A minute or so later he swung the door open, clad in his boxers and looking very inviting to a woman as hungry as I.

His eyes squinted, as was his way when he wanted to look sexy and his face was sporting a day old growth. Combined with his dark eyes and complexion, he was devastatingly handsome, even with his twice broken nose, which was swollen. I felt the immediate need to take care of him. My heart thumped and my palms were sweaty, just being in such close proximity.

He looked me over before stepping out into the hallway and grabbing both of my arms, pulling me into his apartment. He kicked the door closed with one foot, before picking me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. He backed me into the door, kissing me madly. I returned his kiss with such fervor, I thought Id faint before it was through.

Without a word he carried me to his room.

We both fell asleep after we were done. I didn't have one ounce of energy left, as I'm sure he didn't either.

I woke with a start, not knowing where I was at first. I looked at the clock and gasped. It was almost 2:00 and I still had to make it to the station. I untangled myself from Jimmy's embrace and gathered my clothes up from the floor.

I went into the small bathroom and got dressed. I wished I'd have time to take a shower, but it was too late.

As I was finishing up, I heard a soft knocking at the door. I tucked my shirt into my jeans and opened up the chain latch. Even before I had the door opened, I heard the voice.

"Hey baby, I missed you last....." Sarah's voice trailed off as she saw me standing there. I could tell she was shocked to see me and maybe a bit angry. Her eyes narrowed as she tried to cover her shock and surprise.

She shouldn't have tried to hide her feelings, since I was mirroring them back to her. So, she wasn't as great as she made herself out to be. She was obviously cheating on Bosco with Jimmy. I couldn't believe it. I had just let myself be intimate with him again and here she was, showing up at the door.

We both stood there, not knowing what to say. The silence was so uncomfortable, I could hardly stand it. She shifted her boot on the linoleum floor and cleared her throat.

"Hello Faith. It's nice to see you. Thanks for coming so quickly last night". She said, almost impatiently. From the way she looked at me, it was apparent that she wanted to know why I was standing in Jimmy's doorway. Didn't she know we were starting to see each other?

I opened the door fully and let her in. "I'm good, Sarah. I'm just on my way to work, actually, so if you'll excuse me....." I trailed off, trying to get around her and the hell out of there.

She turned back to me. "How long have you been here?"

That was an odd question. What did that matter to her?

"Just a couple of hours. Why?"

"Just wondering." She said, leaning against the door frame. " I know you're wondering why I'm here and not with Bosco." She said, almost accusingly.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a pointed look. "It's none of my business what you do, Sarah. You're a big girl."

She wanted to continue with her torment of my feelings. This was a woman who got to sleep with both of my guys_. And she knew it._

"I think you should know that Bosco and I aren't seeing each other anymore. Just so you don't think you can run back and tell him you saw me here." She said childishly, making my blood turn hot.

"I don't give a damn what you do or don't do and for that matter, I'm glad that you and Bosco aren't together. He's too good for you, slut"! I hissed at her, really starting to hate her guts.

"Don't you even know why?" She asked, meanly.

"No. As I matter of fact....."

"I'm pregnant".

You could hear a pin drop from where I was standing. I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. She was having Bosco's baby. I didn't think I'd feel any worse than when Fred told me he'd had an affair, but this hurt.

I blanched and tried to wipe the hurt out of my face. She saw it and it pleased her.

"You're breaking up with him because you're pregnant?"

"You didn't think he'd stay with me when I was having someone else's baby, do you?"

"Someone else's....."

I got it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She was having Jimmy's baby. What a fool I'd been. What a fool we'd all been.


	18. Who's Your Daddy?

With the bright light of the hallway illuminating her delicate features, Sarah stepped into my dark apartment. It was clear to me, even though I was only half awake, that she had something to say. I had something to say, as well, so it was better that we got it out into the open as soon as possible.

Wordlessly, I led her into the livingroom and turned on the lamp that was sitting beside my old worn out couch. She sat down and took off her black cable-knit sweater and then her shoes. She curled up and tucked her feet beneath her long jean clad legs. She was staying for a while.

I sat down across from her in my grandma's old rocking chair and began to rock back and forth. I always got jumpy when I was about to get news of some kind. And I knew that there was news in my immediate future.

I bit down on my lower lip as I waited for her to speak. I hoped that she was here to end things. That would make it much easier on me and I had a long track record of not saying the right thing. I really didn't want to break her heart.

"Bosco, I don't want to talk about what happened tonight. I think that we should stop seeing each other." She said carefully, watching for my reaction.

I opened my mouth to speak and she raised her hand, indicating that she wasn't finished.

"You're a nice guy and all, but tonight really set some things strait in my mind. I don't want to hurt you because we had a nice couple of months and all...but....it...this....just isn't working out for me". She said.

I could tell that she was pretty nervous. I had to wonder why. I mean, Jimmy and I had made a complete mess of her place and she had every right to be furious. Why was she acting to cool?

"Sarah. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I have to say that I'm really sorry about what happened. I know that it was wrong...."

She waved her hand to dismisivly and interrupted me. "It doesn't matter. It's cleaned up and there's nothing more to say about it." She said with a hint of impatience.

Obviously she had more to say and she couldn't wait much longer.

I leaned forward, my elbows resting on my knees and cocked my head to the side. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear.

"I have something else to tell you and I thought it was only fair that you hear it from me and not someone else and think it was yours." She said, as she ran her hand through her long hair.

It used to turn me on to see her do that. There was just something about the way she did that, that sent shivers down my spine. Now, it was just irritating, as I waited with baited breath as to what she had to tell me.

My thoughts came back to reality as she mentioned the word 'yours'.

"Mine? Mine what?"

"The baby."

"Baby? What baby?"

"My baby. I'm pregnant". She said, and then exhaled a long breath that she had been holding.

To tell the truth, I was shocked. It wasn't anything I expected to hear. We'd been together for a couple of months and we'd always used protection....I knew we always used it. I was always careful. How could this happen? My brain was a mess of questions and obscenities that I wanted to yell into her beautiful face.

"But how....we were always careful...I can't believe this....I just....." I sputtered. I could barely articulate the words that desperately needed to come out of my mouth, which now felt like it was on fire.

"There's more."

"More? How can there be more? What, did you sleep with someone else and you don't know who the father is?" I said sarcastically.

Her silence scared me. She didn't say anything.

I blinked, trying to accept this new situation I was being presented with.

"Sarah?"

No answer.

"Sarah?" I said, a lot more forcefully than I had intended.

"Do you know who the father is?"

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure." came her small reply. She looked cheap to me at that moment. What she was telling me, essentially, was that she had cheated on me and now she wasn't sure who the father was.

"Pretty sure? Pretty sure? What are you, some kind of slut?" I roared, unable t o control the anger building up inside of me.

She was putting me into an impossible situation, outside of paternity testing.

She didn't say a word. She just looked at me defiantly. She didn't feel one bit bad about it either.

I could tell by the way her eyes clashed with mine. Willing me to say more. Judging by the look on her face she could easily bring me to my knees with her truths.

She stood up and watched me as I struggled to come to terms with my kilidoscope of emotions.

"So, you're saying that I _could _be the father. You don't know?" I roared.

"I don't think you are. You and I were always careful...but there was one time...with...._him._....that I didn't use anything".

"One time with _him_? You were always damn careful when it was you and me....was the passion just too intense for you to stop and protect yourself?" I raged.

"I didn't have to tell you, Bos. I chose to tell you because it was the right thing to do. I'm sorry that you are hurt. I'm going to tell the father right now. I just wanted to let you know what was going on."

"Who is he?" I asked in defeat. Knowing that I really didn't want to know, but it was burning a hole inside my brain.

"Jimmy."

I sat up in my chair, my gut wrenching like it was being squashed in a vice.

"As in Dorhety?"

She nodded.

"That son of a...." I yelled, pounding my knees with my fist! That was the last straw. I couldn't take any more of this.

"Bosco! It just happened one night. I didn't even know that you knew him. We met up one night when you and Faith were out and we just ended up in...."

"Don't go there! _Don't you even go there_!" I yelled at her as I stood up and walked to the door. I opened it and when I realized she wasn't standing behind me, I walked back and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her roughly toward it.

"I trusted you! I don't care if you do find out that it's my kid inside you! Don't ever talk to me again. We'll have a paternity test done as soon as that kid pops out and if it's mine I'll sue your skinny little ass off for custody"

" Don't touch me" She cried, slapping my arm with her free hand.

I ignored her and shoved her out and slammed the door shut before she could pollute me with anymore of her venomous spill. I leaned back, running my hands through my hair. I could feel myself actually starting to cry. I was hurt and I shouldn't have been, but it was too much that she had cheated on me with Jimmy. I was going to at least break up with her before I started up with someone else. She hadn't even told Jimmy yet. I wondered what he'd say. Who the hell cared. To hell with the both of them. I knew as long as I lived and breathed, I'd never say a civil word to Dorhety again.

She kicked the door hard and then pounded it with her tiny fist. She was crying as she yelled obscenities at me, I never even knew she could say.

"I want my shoes and my sweater! Give them to me before I kick this damn door down and kick your ass!"

I laughed bitterly. If I had to deal with her much longer, I'd break _my own _door down and kick _her_ ass.

I walked back to the livingroom and grabbed her stuff.. I opened the door and peered out at her. She was standing with her back against the wall, crying and wiping mascara off of her delicate lashes. She really did look pitiful, standing there. She was still as beautiful as ever, even in her current situation.

I had been taken in by her beauty once. I'd never do it again.

I threw her things at her and slammed the door again. This time I locked it.


	19. Pass the Salt

"Pass the salt".

"You want pepper, too?"

"No."

"Ok then".

"Hmphh".

I rolled my eyes and passed the salt to Bosco. It had been going like that for pretty much our whole shift. One word answers from him and lots of eye rolling from me. The only time he had actually spoken to me was when he yelled at me for blowing my nose in the car. He hated to see anyone blow their nose. It was some sort of weird character flaw he had. Although, personally, I chose to do it into a kleenex, as opposed to putting one finger over a nostril and then blowing it all out onto the ground. Call me crazy, but I find a kleenex much more sanitary and less disgusting than the latter.

We were in our usual diner having a late supper. We had taken a few calls between five and seven, so now we were able to sit down and have a bite. I was starving anyway. I hadn't had much to eat over the past couple of days and I was famished.

We sat across from each other. He was having the cheeseburger platter and I was having the tuna fish on rye with french fries and a big cup of coffee. The sound of Bosco slurping on his pop irritated me, especially since I knew he did it only to annoy me in the first place. I tried to ignore him and just enjoy my meal, but it was hard since he kept staring at me as if he had something to say, but couldn't find the words.

He picked up a ketchup saturated fry and lifted it to his mouth. I watched it drip onto his shirt and then his pants. I cringed, anticipating one of his usual tantrums.

"Jeez! I just got these pants cleaned, too!" He complained loudly and in an overly dramatic fashion.

I stared at him, reliving every time one of my kids did the same thing. Although they usually handled it better than he did.

"Well? Pass me a napkin, would ya? Or is it too much to ask?"

I snatched one from the holder that was quite within his reach, and handed it to him.

"Maybe we should bring you your own bib next time". I grumbled, as I lifted my sandwich to my mouth.

"What was that? You have a funny little comment to make?" He said sarcastically. He put his hand up to his ear and made one of his classic faces. "Don't give up your day job".

I was beginning to get really annoyed with his attitude. He wasn't usually so insulting to be around. The last couple of days he was just on a roll. It was like he was trying to prove to himself and to me that he really didn't care about me one iota. Gone was the undercurrent of friendship that might have turned into more. Gone were the long looks that I'd sometimes see from the corner of my eye. He was trying his best to insult me and make me feel bad. It was working, too.

I knew he was upset about the breakup with Sarah. I understood why he was so angry and could even justify it. He had cared about her a great deal and she had cheated on him with Jimmy Dorhety. I was a little peeved about it myself, although that was just because I couldn't stand her anyway. The trouble was that when Bos was this upset, he couldn't seem to articulate his feelings properly and he ended up blasting everyone who came near him. He was always sarcastic when he was upset and he was even a bit mean, but he was taking this to new heights.

I was happy that he and Sarah had broken up. Truthfully, I had hated her from the moment I'd met her and thought that I'd be a much better match for him. I knew him like no one else did. I knew how to tame him, how to console him and how to handle him when he was upset. Except for today, that is.

He continued to slurp on his pop, while giving me a dirty look. I set down my fork and looked at him pointedly.

"You got somethin'on your mind?"

"Nope." He said, wagging his head around on his shoulders. He looked like a diva with an attitude. The way they shook their heads around, that's exactly what he looked like.

I would have laughed, had I not been so annoyed, so I snorted instead.

"Then stop wagging your head around. You look like an ass."

He leaned forward, and set his pop down on the table. His narrowed his eyes and sighed heavily.

"I just can't believe you'd do it". He said, as he sat back against the seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "I can't believe you'd do that".

"Do what, exactly? Are you on the kleenex thing again? I'm not gonna apologize for being sanitary Bosco. I can use whatever I want to....." I shot at him.

"Nah. I mean, get back together with Fred like that. Are you desperate or somethin'Yokas?"

Sooooooooo, that's what the problem was. I didn't realize that it had made him this upset. I was curious as to why he'd come to my place like that but I thought I'd leave it up to him to tell me in his own time. He was all bent out of shape because he saw Fred. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought he was jealous.

"Back together with Fred? Are you crazy? He broke into my apartment, Bosco! He was there when I got home from work!" I hissed at him. I couldn't help it; I was insulted at the insinuation. And a little hurt that he called me desperate.

He didn't speak for a moment. I think he was deciding what to say. That was all he needed to hear to make his mood lighten. His face started to relax, as if he were relieved to hear that I wasn't getting back with Fred, and then turned to a different kind of anger; an anger he usually reserved for Fred when I told him about the things he'd said or done to me.

"That jag-off broke into your apartment? How'd you get him out?"

"I called the precinct and he just put on his jacket and walked out the door."

He cleared his throat before asking his next question and looked out the window at the street as he spoke. "So what was he doin' in his underwear?"

"He took off his pants when he got there, I guess. But he left without em'." I said. I couldn't help it; I started to grin. Remembering Fred with his boxers on, going out the door with his jacket cracked me up.

"What? He left in his underwear but wore his jacket? What a loser?" Bosco guffawed, starting to grin a little.

I felt myself start to relax a little and for the first time in days I felt like we were gonna be ok. Of course, I had to go one step further and ask him questions he wasn't ready to answer.

"Why did you come to my house last night? Was it because of Sarah."?

He stiffened at the mention of her name and I knew I'd made a mistake.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Bos, I"m just trying to help. Are you sure it isn't yours......"? I stopped cold when I realized what I'd done. Now he knew that I knew what had happened. The only way I could have known was either by talking to Jimmy or to Sarah.

A look of hurt flashed across his face. Hurt and betrayal. He knew I'd talked out of school.

"Who'd you talk to?" He said, quietly. I knew this was the calm beneath the surface. There was a lot more to come.

"I...I....uh....."

"Who?"

"Sarah."

"You talked to her? WHERE?" he interrogated me.

"I saw her this morning and she told me that you guys...."

"WHERE?" His voice was getting louder and his face redder.

"Does it matter?"

He slapped his hand down on the table, making me jump in his seat. It took a lot to get him this upset. I was about to witness the wrath of Maurice Boscorelli, except this time it was going to be directed at me and only me.

"_Does it matter? Does it matter? Am I asking you for my health? WHERE"? _He shouted, causing patrons to turn and stare at us.

"What are you lookin'at? Get back to your dinners!" He threw out at the innocent people who now had their backs turned and were talking quietly amongst themselves.

"At Jimmy's." I said quietly.

"You were at Dorhety's? Today?"

"Ya. I was. Do you think you're the only one allowed to play?" I snapped, unable to control myself any longer. I hated that he was treating me this way. Hated his selfishness and his hypocritic ways.

He stood up, furious and threw a twenty dollar bill down on the table and pointed at me. His face was so red I thought he'd explode from the blood pressure. His chest heaving in and out in an attempt to control his temper.

"THAT'S IT YOKAS! WE'RE THROUGH! I'M GETTING A NEW PARTNER TOMOROW!" He yelled, as he pivoted and stalked out of the diner, leaving me at the table.

I sat there, dumfounded by what I had just witnessed. We had small fights from time to time but this was different. This was a cut strait to his heart and to mine. His was an anger that was between lovers, not friends and partners. Something was going on. Something that I hoped to understand.

By the time I got to the curb he was gone. The only thing I could think about were the two tears that had escaped from his eyes before he turned from me. This time I knew it was for good.


	20. A Little Piece of Heaven

I drove back to the house and went into the locker room for a shower. I still had three hours left on the shift but I had stopped and talked to Lieu and told him I was sick and he told me to go home.

Faith had called Sully and Ty and told them that I had personal business to take care of. She hadn't said a word to me when she saw me in the hallway after I'd left her at the diner.

She had walked by me without so much as a second glance. I was still really angry at her for degrading herself and going back to Jimmy again. I was so mad at him that I wanted to go to Camelot and punch his lights out. He'd almost convinced me that he was a decent guy with his 'go get her' speech he'd made the night before. He obviously hadn't kept his word when he'd invited Faith into his apartment a few hours earlier.

I stepped into the shower stall and turned the water on full force. The hot water felt good against my clammy skin. I was definitely coming down with something. I just felt like I couldn't deal with anything else today.

"You think you're the only one who can play?" I mimicked Faith's excuse for words. I knew I was being childish but it made me so mad to hear her talk like that. Faith was a classy woman; not one who needed to do those things. It made her image seemed a bit smeared to me, but I had done the same thing many times and I couldn't say much. But I didn't have to like it.

I dried off and wrapped myself in a towel and went to grab my civies out of my locker. I felt myself stiffen as I saw her standing there, brushing her long blond hair back. She stiffened too as she saw me approach. She cleared her throat and turned away from me and threw the brush into her locker and slammed the door shut. She grabbed her jacket and sat down on the bench to tie up her boots.

I glanced at her from behind. She wasn't going home. She had her hair down and not in the bun she usually put it in after work. She had on a nice pair of jeans and a cashmere sweater and was now in the process of putting on a pair of dressy boots.

I felt the jealousy spread through my body as if it were on fire. She was definitely movin' on and not wastin' any time. My stomach tightened into a big knot.

"Racking up another one tonight?" I muttered, as I grabbed my clothes.

She turned to me, her eyes ablaze. "Don't talk to me like that you jerk! You do the same thing night after night. At least I'm not sleeping with half of New York City!"

"I thought you were better than that!" I half yelled at her as I turned around.

She started stuffing her dirty uniform into her locker. " I'm a grown woman and I can do what ever I want. You're getting a new partner tomorrow so you don't have to worry about it anyway!" She yelled back.

We stood facing each other, both angry as hell. Both hurting at the unkind words we'd spoken. I was the first to turn away. I was always the one who couldn't stand to have her mad at me, even when I was mad at her in the first place.

"Do whatever you want. I don't care what you do anymore." I snapped as meanly as I could.

She looked away for a second and even I could tell how much I'd hurt her with that comment. When she turned back her eyes were filled with tears. "I didn't think you ever did". She said, her lip quivering.

She grabbed her stuff and walked out the door, letting it slam shut behind her. I always ended up hurting her and feeling hurt myself. We had a way of being angry one second and sad the next. I think that the anger was a secondary emotion. Hurt being the first and neither of us was good at letting the other see how hurt we were.

I got dressed as quickly as I could, knowing that if I hurried, I'd probably catch her on the way to the subway.

Sure enough, I caught up with her just about four blocks over from the precinct. She was walking quickly with her head down. I beeped my horn. She didn't look up. I beeped it again. This time she looked my way. I pulled over and motioned for her to get in. She shook her head and continued to walk. I put the car in park and grabbed the keys and jumped out.

I ran down the sidewalk and tugged on her arm. She pulled away from me as I touched her.

"Faith, please stop. I'm sorry for what I said back there."

She turned to face me, her eyes still very angry. "Now you're sorry? What about at the diner? Are you sorry for that? What's wrong with you anyway?" She yelled, her arms held out.

I sighed and looked down at my shoes. This was the moment I had waited for.

"I was mad."

"You were mad? Why? What did I ever do to you?"

"You shouldn't be with Jimmy. He doesn't care about you."

She shook her head, and narrowed her eyes at me. " What do you know about it? What do you care? You're not my father, so why all the attitude about who I date?"

"I just don't want to see you hurt".

She turned away from me and started walking again. "Lay off, Bos. I can look after myself. I can do whatever I want with Jimmy. It's better than being alone." She added.

I ran to catch up with her. I hated hearing her talk that way.

"Faith, stop!"

"Bosco! Leave me alone!"

I turned her around to face me. I cupped her face with my hands and leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth. Immediately she responded and put her hands around my neck.

We must have stood there for a good five minutes, but I couldn't let her go. I had found a little piece of heaven and I wasn't about to let it go.

TBC


	21. First Kisses

Bosco was the one to break the kiss first. He gently pulled back, searching to see if I felt the same way he did. I was totally floored at his show of affection and felt myself falling for the first time in my life.

I had heard about the kiss that takes your breath away. I had read about it and I had seen it on tv and in the movies, but never had I felt the kind of passion that comes from experiencing it first hand.

The feel of his hands on my face. The way he tilted my head forward so we could get even closer. The way he murmured my name. It was the best kiss of my life. Probably because I was in love with him.

I closed my eyes, relishing the moment, hoping that he'd kiss me again. A slow smile spread over my face as I conjured up images of what had just happened. The way it happened. It was a story that would go down in my journal and I hoped it would have a happy ending.

"Faith?"

I opened my eyes and looked at him as if I were only half awake.

"Ya?"

"I love you.... I'm in love with you. I want us to be together." He stumbled over his words.

His eyes were searching deep into my soul, looking for some confirmation that what he had said and done was ok. Spontaneously, I leaned forward and placed one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his shoulder and kissed him again.

He wrapped both arms around me and pulled me tight against him. If I had thought the first kiss was good, I was in for a real treat. He put all the passion and love he had into the delivery of it. It was as if he wanted me to know how much he felt for me.

I pulled back, dazed by the emotion that ran between us and wiped off my mouth.

"Bosco...I....I....love you too." I babbled. I was not accustomed to being nervous around him. This was new territory for me and for him. We had forever changed our relationship in a matter of minutes. I knew in my heart that it was worth it. No matter what the outcome.

It was the most defining moment of my life. I had told Bosco my secret and he had told me his. I felt like a million bucks, being loved by the one man I had secretly fantasized about for almost ten years.

From here on out, I knew that my life would never be the same. It was as if I had just awakened from a life that wasn't my own and was now going down the path towards my destiny.

I had come full tilt in order to end up with the one person who knew me; who loved me for me; who would never ask me to give up being a cop; who understood me like no other. And to think that it was the one man who I had spent eight or nine hours a day with for years and I'd never known it was possible until now.

I'd gone through cancer. I'd gone through divorce and losing my children. I'd been alone for so long, it actually made me tremble to think that I'd have love again.

I knew that it was never love with Fred. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. Everyone has someone like that. You stay together for reasons that have nothing to do with each other. The kids; money; the house; the car. Whatever it is, it sure wasn't what God intended a marriage to be.

I had spent so many sleepless nights agonizing over where my life was going. I had a husband who drank too much, who lied to my face and treated me bad. I had children who were old enough to know the difference and could tell that something was very wrong with their home-life.

I could have laid there forever, not dealing with reality and being too scared to actually end my marriage. But the time came when I no longer could justify to myself the reasons why I stayed. There wasn't one reason that was worth my husband's affair or his lies. Not that he'd wanted to stay with me anyway. It was over and even though I was relieved, I was also sad for my kids. My kids. I didn't even get to see them anymore.

Life for me had changed in an instant. Looking back, I knew that this was the path I had to go down in order to reach happiness and this new path had the street sign marked 'Bosco'.

He grabbed me then and hugged me tightly. He brought his hand up and stroked my hair gently. He looked at my face and broke out in a huge grin.

"What?"

"Yokas. You're one bad girl" He said playfully.

"Why? What did I do?"

He broke out laughing as he guided me towards his car.

"It's only 9:30. You left work an hour and a half early!"


	22. Lost Together

Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Rodeo or Jim Cuddy or Greg Keelor (sadly). I put them in this chapter because they are the best band in the entire world! Please do not sue me for this...I have no money.

I ended up taking Faith back to work so she could finish out the rest of our shift. She was lucky that no one had even noticed she had left.

She was able to slip in by everyone and go get changed. By the time she was back in uniform she and Gussler were called out to a domestic dispute.

I went home and cleaned up my apartment. Faith and I had decided that she'd come over after the shift so we could hang out and talk. Before she'd left the car she leaned over and gave me another kiss. It left me feeling like I was floating on air.

I had kissed a lot of women. I mean a lot. But not one had made me feel the way she did. Kissing Faith was like having lot chocolate on a rainy day; like going to the beach or sleeping in on a Sunday morning. She just made me feel so damn good, I knew that I had done the right thing by making the first move.

Never in my wildest imagination had I thought that she'd actually love me back. I thought that maybe she could learn to love me if she'd give me half a chance. I knew that from here on out I would do everything in my power to make sure that she was treated like a queen. I would devote every breath I breathed to making her happy.

I had to admit that I was a little nervous about this newfound closeness that we were having. It was one thing to be platonic partners but it was altogether different to be partners and be together. I hoped that we could work it out. What if we had a fight? Well, we always fought, but I was just starting to realize why.

Do you remember when you were a kid and had a crush on that one girl? The girl who made you feel so alive and special? How did you treat her? I pulled hair and pinched the girls I liked. When you're a kid, the only way to let someone know how much you like 'em is to tease them. That's what my ma always said.

It was the same with Faith; There was always the bickering and the back talk and the comments. I did all that because I was secretly in love with her. I mean, I couldn't very well sit in our RMP and tell her that I loved the way her hair smelled or that her new perfume was driving me crazy. I couldn't tell her that the very thought of her with another man drove me nuts. So, I teased her and acted like the biggest jerk I could. Not that it was that hard.

Now, I would have the chance to tell her those things if I wanted to. Now, we would be going through this life as true partners. I hoped that I hadn't scared her when I said that I wanted to be together. Truthfully, from the moment she kissed me, I knew that she was gonna be my wife someday. I wasn't about to tell her that, but the minute my lips touched hers and I tasted her watermelon lip gloss, I knew that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.

I put on my favorite cd as I was doing the dishes. As I listened to the song, every feeling I had ever had for Faith came storming into my brain.

I'm an easy listening kind of guy. My favorite band on this earth is Blue Rodeo. In my opinion, no one can sing a song or put life into words the way Jim Cuddy or Greg Keelor can. As I listened to 'Lost Together', I felt an overwhelming flood of emotion run through my body. I knew if I were to be lost that as long as Faith was beside me, I could go through anything.

_**Strange and beautiful are the starts tonight,**_

_**That dance around your head.**_

_**In your eyes I see that perfect word,**_

_**I hope that doesn't sound too weird.**_

_**I want all the world to know,**_

_**That your love's all I need**_

_**All that I need.**_

_**And If we're lost,**_

_**We are lost together,**_

_**Ya, If we're lost,**_

_**We are lost together.**_

_**I stand before this faceless crowd,**_

_**I wonder why I bother.**_

_**So much controlled**_

_**By so few.**_

_**Stumbling from one disaster to another**_

_**I've heard it all so many times before,**_

_**It's all a dream to me now**_

_**Dream to me now.**_

_**And if we're lost**_

_**We are lost together**_

_**Ya, if we're lost lost**_

_**We are lost together**_

I finished the dishes and looked at the clock. It was almost 11:30. Faith should have been here by now. Worried, I wiped my hands off on a dishtowel and walked into the living room and grabbed the cordless and dialed Faith's cell.

There was no answer. She always answered her cell. It was like an unwritten code for us. Each of us always left it on and answered it when it rang. I dialed the precinct to see if she was still there. No one had seen her since the shift had changed.

I decided that maybe I was being paranoid. She was probably just having another shower or something and the phone was in her purse. Or maybe she had second thoughts, and had just gone home and didn't want to answer the phone because it was me. No, I reasoned to myself, she returned the kiss and told me that she loved me back. There had to be a reason she wasn't here yet.

By 12:30 she still hadn't arrived. I knew instinctively that something was wrong. I hadn't been her partner for all these years to not know when something was amiss.

I grabbed my jacket and threw on a pair of sneakers and slammed my door shut. I went to my car and started toward Faith's building. Maybe Fred was there again and was giving her a hard time.

My stomach started to tighten as I thought of him bothering her. Since the minute she had told me that she loved me, everything had changed and that included how I reacted to someone giving her a hard time. No one was gonna hurt her or bother her on my watch.

I guided the car down her block, watching the sidewalk for any signs of her. As I approached the building I saw the flashing lights of 55-Charlie. Sully and Davis had been asked to pull a double. I jumped out of my car and ran into the building, praying that the call wasn't for Faith.

My fears were right, as I rounded the corner and saw the door to her apartment open. I could hear screaming even before I got to her.

My first thought was that someone had hurt her and in thinking this I rushed into the apartment. Sully was on his radio and Davis was crouched down rubbing Faith on the back. She was on the floor, holding her stomach and screaming over and over again. Her blond hair was hanging in her face as curses of anguish flew out of her mouth.

"What happened?" I yelled at Davis, who had stood up when I came in. He shook his head and wiped a lone tear that had slipped down his face.

"There's been an accident, Bosco." He said.

Oh no. The kids. Oh, God, please don't let anything happen to the kids.

"The kids? Fred? How?"

He shook his head again and turned to assist Faith, who was still crying on the floor. She hadn't even noticed that I was there.

"He was driving drunk again. He hit a lamp post on Third Avenue. It was instant." He said, in a hushed voice.

"Ty. Let me." I said.

I walked over to Faith and laid my hand on her back. "Faith. Faith. Look at me. I'm here." I said, and turned her face toward me.

Instantly, she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me down to her, sobbing hysterically.

Sully was still talking on the radio. "Ya. We're gonna go take her to the morgue now so she can identify all three of them. No. It's gonna be closed casket...."

I turned back, angry that he would have the nerve to talk about that after what had just happened.

"Sullivan! Go in the other room, would ya? Can't you see that she can't deal with that right now?" I yelled at the older man.

Faith stood up and ran into the kitchen and emptied the contents of her stomach into the sink.

I stepped toward Sully and pointed my finger at him. "Get the hell out of here! I'll take her. She's not going with you, so just get what you gotta get an leave!"

He stepped toward me and pointed his own finger. "Listen here, you little shit. I'm doing my job. So don't you tell me what....."

"Stop! Just stop!" Came Faith's voice from the doorway. She wiped her hand across her mouth and held on to the frame to support her weak body.

Ty walked over and grabbed Sully by the arm. "Come on, man. Bosco's got her covered."

Sully shot me a nasty glance and then softened when he saw Faith walk toward the three of us.

"Thanks for everything..but I need to be alone with Bosco now. He'll take me to the mor...." She stopped at the word 'morgue' and ran back into the kitchen to throw up again.

I locked the door behind them and ran to her. Faith was now curled up on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth, crying with so much anguish that it tore me apart.

Silent tears slid down my cheeks as I dropped down on the floor and gathered her up in my arms. She clung to me, as if for dear life. We cried together, each getting lost in the pain that comes from losing a loved one.

We stayed that way until it was time to go identify the bodies of Fred and the children. At that moment, I knew we were lost. Lost together.


	23. He Gives and Takes Away

The day we buried Emily, Charlie and Fred I thought that I couldn't sink any lower. My heart had been ripped out and was left bleeding. Bleeding until I felt I would choke.

Despair was mine as I watched the three of them lying side by side in death. Knowing that it was Fred that had put them there, filled me with a kind of hate I had never known before; it was a hate that I was sure would consume me to my dying days.

It was a dreary day; as it is when you bury someone you love. I vaguely wondered if they were ok inside there. Charlie was always afraid of the dark and now he had nothing but darkness.

Small bodies lay as if asleep, in what was now to be a final resting place. As I watched them being lowered into the ground I threw myself on my knees and begged God to let them come back to me. Thick tears ran down my face as I pleaded with the Lord above to let me go with them, or if not with them, to let me take their place. If only I could have traded places; I would have gladly taken a ride in that truck and saved my babies from the pain and suffering and terror that they must have felt. I tried not to think of their final moments at the mercy of their drunken father and I hoped that they had gone quickly.

I screamed out their names, while trying to pull all of the hair out of my head as I watched the men throw dirt on their coffins, cementing me from their reach and finalizing a moment that every mother dreads; seeing their children being lowered into a burial plot. They were really gone.

The steady drizzle of rain tapped the top and sides of their tombs, bouncing off and making its gentle descent to the ground below, where my little ones would rest. Almost by instinct, I crawled to the edge and stretched out my arms to them, as if they could somehow call out to me and let me know it was all a dream. A horrible dream.

On my knees, I looked up at the stone grey sky and closed my eyes as the soft rain sprinkled my face. I saw Emily and Charlie as babies, calling out to me from their cribs. Emily, the day she started kindergarten and Charlie playing in the sandbox at the park. The two of them cuddling with me in bed when they had been awakened by a thunderstorm, snuggling into me, holding on for dear life. Who would hold them now?

I felt a hand on my back and I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. I felt Bosco's arms move around my waist, as he struggled to pick me up and put me back on my feet.

"Noooooooooo!"

Angrily, I slapped out at him, yelling that I needed more time with them. It wasn't time. I needed more time. More time. There were still things I needed to tell them. On lookers looked down, my sorrow to great for them to bear. Some shook their heads, others turned away.

Silently, he grabbed both of my arms and held them to my sides, forcing me to look at him. The anguish and pain I felt, reflected in his own eyes, as he watched me. Tears slid down his cheeks and dripped off his chin onto his new suit as he fought within himself to get the words out that he knew would pierce me like a knife.

"It's time, Faith. We have to...let them go". His voice cracked with emotion as he broke down completely and held me to him, each growing weary in our despair.

All around us, our friends and family a co-workers stood, all there to lend support in our time of need. The entire third watch was there along with our Lieutenant and his wife, Louise. Everyone in uniform, hats held against chests in a symbol of undying friendship and loyalty. I could hear noses being blown, along with soft crying and words of comfort.

As we turned to walk away, my legs began to tremble. My head started to pound and I couldn't seem to get enough air. I felt Bosco's hand tighten around mine as we made our way through the crowd. In a moment, it all became too much, as I heard the everlastingly devastating sound of pounds of dirt being thrown on the coffins. My legs melted and I fell to the ground. I felt my face against the wet grass, its coolness soothing my burning flesh. I made no attempt to get up.

Several men rushed forward to help me, when Bosco threw out his arms, stopping them.

"I got her. I got her". He gushed as he bent down and gathered me up in his strong arms.

He picked me up and carried me to the car, the crowd parting like Moses and the Red Sea. They all just stepped aside, letting us through. I rested my head on his shoulder. Grateful for having him with me at a time like this.

As we drove toward his apartment, which had become my apartment over the last three days, I watched the rain pelting off the window. It seemed God was as angry as I, and sent a downpour the moment the funeral was finished. I was sure that Fred was burning in Hell by now. I looked over at Bosco, wondering if I should tell him the thoughts that were running through my head. I wanted to go dig Fred up and kill him again. Over and over again. No punishment would be harsh enough for him. No pain too small. If he were here now, I would have been going to jail for murder.

Sensing my mood, Bosco looked over at me uneasily, unsure of what to say. He saw the anger and pain in my face and reached over and squeezed my hand gently, reassuring me that he was with me no matter what.

He hadn't had a wink of sleep in three days. Although he was clean shaven, his eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles underneath. His hair, usually so smooth, was now disheveled from the rain and from him constantly running his hand through it. It was a nervous habit he'd acquired from childhood.

How I loved him then. He had dropped everything in his life to try and help me with mine. He had made all of the funeral arrangements and put everything in motion, when I couldn't bring myself to even get out of bed. He had picked out the clothes that Fred would wear, mainly because I didn't care if he wore any or none at all. Even though Bosco hated Fred, and always had, he had picked out a nice suit and tie for him, not once making mention of what Fred had done. I had the feeling that he'd said plenty of things in private or to Davis, who had come to visit the day after, but he never once made a disparaging remark about Fred from the moment we had left the morgue. It seemed that he couldn't do anything but tend to me. I knew he had to keep his mind occupied or his anger would burst out and the wrong person would be on the receiving end.

I knew that it would only be a matter of time until he had his own breakdown. He had cried a lot, but usually tried to hide it from me. He had known my kids for years and he loved them like they were his own. He never missed a birthday or Christmas. I knew he was hurting, too, only I knew that his hurt would turn to anger soon enough, until he was able to come to grips with what had happened.

Fresh tears sprang to my eyes as he took me upstairs and handed me a pair of my pajamas. He had gone to my apartment and taken everything that was left and moved it into his spare room. He had stayed up all night long, the previous night, going through my clothes and setting up a bedroom for me. He had made me sleep in his bed but hadn't once offered to lie down with me, unsure of how I would take it. I knew he didn't want to presume too much, and I loved him for it.

I could not and would not set foot in my apartment ever again. Sully and Ty and a couple other guys had helped him move everything, not that there had been much left after Fred had left. Sully and Bos had made a truce, agreeing that they both wanted what was best for me.

He tucked me in to bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. His every action was full of love and empathy. He was dead tired himself, but he pulled up a chair beside the bed, deciding to sit and watch me until I fell asleep. He leaned forward and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. Then, settled back in the chair to be close to me in case I needed anything.

I did need. I needed him to be with me. I needed to feel his skin, his arms, his breath on me. I wanted him to make me feel alive; to feel loved. I folded the blankets down and held my arms out to him, pleading for him to come to me.

Silently, he got up and slipped in beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I turned to face him. I caressed his cheek with my hand and he closed his eyes, squeezing back fresh tears that threatened to fall.

I reached for him, bringing my lips to his, desperate for him to touch me, to give me release. He responded, kissing me with such fervor, it made my heart ache.

He pulled back, searching my eyes. "Faith, we don't have to....I don't want you to rush into...."

"Please, Bosco." I pleaded, while I brought his hand to my heart, hoping he would feel how much I needed him. "Make love to me. Make love to me" I murmured over and over. I ran my free hand through his hair, pulling him closer to me, so I could kiss him with all the desperateness I could muster.

He succumbed to my demands and he took me, giving me every part of himself and taking in return. I basked in the glow of his radiance, the fire between us baptizing us, making us whole again.

We curled up together, after confessing our love again and again. I didn't know where I would go from here and I didn't know if I'd make it to the other side, but I knew that as long as he was with me, it didn't matter.


	24. Ty's Dilema

Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch. Please don't sue. I don't have any money. And, to clarify the last chapter: After an extremely emotionally draining day, like the one Faith had, it is not unusual for two people to seek comfort from each other. The part of the chapter where Faith and Bos make love is essential, in my opinion, to the end of that chapter. For the person who reviewed and didn't leave their name but thought that it was very unlikely that it would happen, I have to say that I disagree. It happens all the time and there is nothing like having that one person who you can turn to in a time of grief. It wasn't sex. It was love and comfort. Now, to all the rest of you who have faithfully reviewed and said great things, I thank you. It is for all of you that I continue to write these stories and without your comments and support, I wouldn't be writing at all!

A Little Piece of Heaven

Chapter 24

For weeks after the death's of Fred and the kids, Faith lied in bed. She didn't eat, didn't sleep and barely said a word. She cried constantly and with each passing day I felt her growing angrier and angrier at the world that had taken away her loved ones.

I didn't blame her; I was angry myself and had a hard time dealing with the fact that Emily and Charlie were gone. I just didn't know how to help her. Between work and trying to be of some comfort to Faith, there wasn't enough time in the day to take a breather for myself. I ate, slept and breathed her grief, her anger and her frustration and it was starting to wear me down.

She wouldn't take any calls or visitors, not even from her own parents, which left me with the responsibility of taking care of everything. I cooked her meals, which she didn't eat; I did all of our laundry and cleaned, while stopping every ten minutes to see if she was ok. As a result, I actually found myself happy to be going to work. There, I could take out my frustrations on the junkies and murderers and all-round scum bags that we dealt with. Although, Lieu had been patient with both Faith and I, he had threatened to make me take some time off if I didn't cut back on my physical violence toward the perps. That actually scared me; thinking about taking time off. That meant that Faith and I would have to be together twenty-four hours a day and the idea didn't set will with me.

I knew I loved Faith more than life itself, but I didn't know how to tell her that I needed some space without being an insensitive clod. How was I supposed to tell her to get over it and learn to move on? Her kids were dead and there was no bringing them back. I knew in my heart that this was going to be a long process that could take months, if not years for her to get over and I didn't know if I was equipped to take care of her.

She had already lost about fifteen pounds in five weeks and she was pale and weak. Getting her to eat a bowl of soup was a small victory for me even though most times she threw it back up. It seemed there was nothing I could do to make things better and I ended up blaming myself for it. She probably deserved better and didn't even know it. I made up my mind to talk to her as soon as I was done my shift. I would end up blowing things out of proportion or saying things I didn't mean if things didn't start to get better. So, why was it that I felt like a complete asshole?

As I stood in the empty locker room, contemplating my demise, the door suddenly burst open and Ty came lumbering in. He walked directly past me to his locker and gave it a mighty kick. I turned around, shocked to see such an outburst from the usually laid back officer.

"Davis, what's up with you?"

"NOTHING!" He snarled, opening the door and peering inside. Not finding what he was looking for, he snapped shut and leaned back, running his hands through his short black hair.

"Ya? Well it don't look like nothin' to me. Havin' a tantrum are you?"

His head snapped up. "Who asked you, Bosco? You walk around here like an asshole everyday, kicking stuff and going on, so just mind your business".

I snorted and turned my back to him and continued to get dressed. "Whatever."

I felt a little guilty for not being nicer to him at that moment. He'd been really good to Faith and I and we were starting to become buddies of some sort. He'd called a few times and even brought over food once. I was just so stressed out that I'd taken the first opportunity to make a snotty remark.

I finished getting dressed and looked over at him. He was still standing against the lockers, his head in his hands. His shoulders were slumped and he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Hey, Ty?"

He didn't even look up. "What?"

"You wanna go and grab a beer and talk about it?" I asked, not sure if it was the right thing to do.

He sucked in a deep breath and brought his hands down to his sides. He turned back to his locker and started to change into his street clothes.

"Ya. I could really use that right about now. Oh, and Bos....sorry for snapping at you". He fumbled over his apology.

"No problem. I'm feeling a little snippy myself today." I answered back, almost uncomfortable with this new buddy talk. It seemed almost feminine to talk to another guy like that.

We finished getting dressed and headed out to my mustang. It was a nice evening, not too hot, just a light breeze. I was looking forward to just grabbing a beer and maybe having a game of pool. I was glad for the company and decided that maybe I'd have to do this more often.

We climbed into the car and headed toward Haggerty's. Ty was quiet for the whole ride and didn't say two words. I'd never seen him so upset and it was kind of curious as to what his dilemma was. I'd been concentrating on Faith for so long, it was kind of a nice break to have another topic to discuss.

I put the car into park and opened my door. I looked over at Ty, who made no attempt to get out.

"Davis, you comin' or what?"

He looked over at me and opened his mouth to speak and nothing came out.

"Davis, you ok?" I asked, sliding back into my seat.

He shook his head. "I don't know how it happened". He said, slowly, as if trying to figure out something complex.

"What happened?"

"It was an accident".

"Davis, what are you talking about?" I asked, afraid that he was gonna tell me he had some terminal illness or something.

"Sasha."

"What happened to Sasha?" I pressed, getting a little annoyed with this guessing game. Spit it out already.

"She's pregnant." He confessed, running his hands over his mouth, as if to stop himself from saying anything further.

"Pregnant? Well, that's great, isn't it" I said, happy for him.

He just looked at me. Tears welled up in his eyes, letting me know that it wasn't a good thing.

"She doesn't want it. She's gonna get an abortion."

TBC


	25. Baby Talk

I woke up today with the feeling I couldn't go on. It had been five weeks since we buried Emily, Charlie and Fred and I couldn't seem to stop myself from wanting to join them. I never thought that I'd be someone who'd contemplate suicide, but the very thoughts of staying on this earth without them seemed too much to bear. I knew in my heart that I wouldn't really go through with it, but I was just so depressed and I felt like I had nothing to live for, even Bosco. I was just the noose around his neck.

Thoughts of my children plagued my every waking moment. Memories of them clinging to me like a vine, threatening to choke the life from my lungs, bringing me home to the darkness where I belonged. I tried to sleep away those thoughts, but when I slept, I dreamed of them. Emily's long blond hair, cascading below her shoulders as she tugged on my hand, asking me to come with her, begging for me not to leave her alone. Charlie, holding his arms out to me, crying because I let them go into the ground. And finally, Fred. His face all twisted, shouting at me, telling me that I was a rotten wife and mother and that I had got what I deserved. Every time I woke from one of those dreams, it was the same; I woke with my hands clenched into fists, tear stains soaked on my pillow and an ungodly hatred in my heart, twisting and pulling on my heartstrings, threatening to break me once and for all.

After the dreams came the tears. Hot, scalding tears that usually sent Bosco into a frenzy, as he ran in to see how he could comfort me. He would hold me and stroke my hair, telling me that he loved me, asking what he could do to help. I knew that this was getting tough on him and wondered if he would be much better off without me. He could go on and find someone new. Someone emotionally stable, without complications. Someone who would love him and be there for him, and not the emotional cripple that I was.

For weeks he had done everything he could think of to make me feel better. No matter how hard he tried, nothing could melt away the ice that had attached itself to my heart. No amount of warm words, no whispers of love or promises could make me feel whole again. I'd never feel whole, with my babies dead and gone.

On this particular day, Bosco had decided to go into work early, claiming that he had some extra paperwork to do. I knew that he was just trying to get some time to himself, but didn't mention it. I'd want to get away from me, too, if I were him.

I decided to get out of bed, actually feeling hungry for the first time in days. I made my way to the fridge, carefully holding on to the wall for support. I was so weak from not eating that I found even the short walk to the bathroom a mission in itself. Before I could reach the kitchen, however, I felt a powerful wave of nausea come over me and I had to make my way to the bathroom. I couldn't believe how much I threw up, considering that there was nothing in my stomach.

It continued for a good ten minutes and by the time I had finished, I had never felt weaker. As I got up to get myself some mouthwash, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and gasped. I had lost so much weight that my face was gaunt and sickly pale. My blond hair, usually so sleek and smooth was matted to my head and tangled. No wonder Bosco had fled the apartment, I looked like a witch. Disgusted, I slammed my hand into the mirror, wishing I could just disappear into thin air.

I fell asleep soon after, but was awakened again by the need to throw up. I barely reached the garbage can before it came out, making my nose burn and my throat ache. The last time I had been sick like this, I had been pregnant with Charlie.

That was it: I was pregnant. I had to be, for I'd only been sick like this twice in my lifetime.

Electricity rippled through my body as I digested my thought. I thought back to when I'd had my last period. It hadn't been for weeks. I desperately tried to remember, thinking that maybe I was just off track because of all the stress I was under. I concluded that it had been at least five weeks or more. Bosco and I hadn't been careful when we'd made love either. It was always a spur of the moment thing that couldn't have waited. We had just gone ahead and tried to comfort one another, oblivious to what may happen.

For the first time in weeks, I felt hope spring within my hollow heart. How strange for me to be thinking about ending my life, when I quite possibly had a new life growing inside of me. I found myself hoping that I was right. I realized that I did want to give life one more try, especially if God was sending me a new child to love.

What would Bosco say? Would he be happy? What if he didn't want to be a daddy?

Thoughts ran through my mind at top speed. With everything that had happened in the past few weeks, I hadn't even considered the depth of my relationship with Bosco. I knew I loved him and he loved me, but were we ready for a baby? It wasn't something I'd thought about. What if he didn't want to have kids? We hadn't discussed anything along those lines. Come to think of it, we hadn't discussed any part of the relationship beyond 'I love you'. The day we had professed our love for each other, was the same day that my family was killed.

A new found hope started to spring inside of me. If I was indeed pregnant, I knew that I wanted this baby. Gauging from the two times I was pregnant before, I knew that this time my gut was right.

I was scared, I was happy, I was nervous. All the perfect combination to make me want to throw up again.

I called the pharmacy down the block and got them to deliver two pregnancy tests. One of the best things about living in New York is that you can get anything delivered, no matter what it is, you just gotta know where to ask. I wasn't strong enough to walk anywhere just yet, but I made it to the door to pay the man from the pharmacy.

With newfound strength and hope, I carried the two tests into the bathroom. I peed on both and found that I was absolutely delighted with the results. I was pregnant.


	26. Author's Note

Author's Note:

I know these two chapters are short and probably not very good, but I didn't have time to sit down and write properly...forgive me. I am on my way to Boston to see the Lion King and I wanted to add this stuff before I left...so I promise I will write an awesome chapter when I get back!


	27. Stumbling Home

Ty and I ended up staying at Haggerty's too long and drank too much. By the time I got home it was after one. I knew I should have called Faith and let her know where I was, but I really didn't want to have to come strait home and deal with her. I wanted to have a little time to myself to relax and have a beer or two, or in my case, twelve. I felt bad that I hadn't called, yet I felt better than I had in weeks, having been able to just sit around and talk to Ty.

I felt really bad for the guy. He'd wanted kids for a long time and he'd pretty much been ready to settle down with Sasha since their first date. He told me that he wanted to marry her. He had planned on asking her when he found out about the baby, but had declined when she told him she wanted an abortion.

What would I do in his situation? I hadn't thought about what would happen if it had been Faith, but I was fairly certain that I wouldn't be able to handle it if she ever decided to abort my kid. I'd never let her. I'd chain myself to her and go wherever she went, so that she'd never be able to murder my child. I know I was being over dramatic, but that's how I felt. I was raised to believe that killing babies was wrong and I'd never be able to respect Sasha if she ever went through with it.

I knew that I was really drunk when I reached my door and dropped the keys. Cursing under my breath, I bent down and picked them up. I pushed the key into the lock and breathed a sigh of relief that it didn't make too much noise. I didn't want to wake Faith. I just wanted to go to sleep.

I opened the door and peered inside. There weren't any lights on. I tiptoed into the kitchen and slowly closed the door. I heard the clicking noise and latched the chain.

Determined to make it to bed without waking her and her wrath, I carefully made my way down the hall. It was too dark to see anything, so I felt along the wall with my hand. About half way I ran into the halltree that I had brought from Faith's place. It was a huge bench that had a mirror on the back and pegs to hang up your coat or hat.

I stumbled and fell sideways and wacked my head in the process. "Jeez....mother of...." I cursed, holding the fast growing lump on my noggin.

From my new found position, I glanced around, waiting for Faith to come out of the bedroom and freak out, but she didn't. I heard the toilet flushing and decided that I better get into bed quick if I wanted her to think I had been home a while. Maybe I'd be lucky and find out that she'd been in there for an hour or so.

My brain was working overtime and not cooperating with my limbs as I crawled into the bedroom and tried to take off my clothes in a hurry. I stood up and unbuttoned my jeans and my shirt. I staggered around, after getting one leg stuck. I was luck or unlucky, depending on how you looked at it; there was a small light on in the bedroom and it allowed me to see, but it also gave me away. Maybe she wouldn't notice?

Cursing again, I landed face down on the floor, one leg underneath me and the other wrapped up in my jeans. As I struggled to kick free, I heard the water running in the sink and knew my time was about up. Finally, I pulled my leg free and climbed into bed, unaware that the cut on the side of my head was bleeding.

I pulled the covers up over my mouth, just under my nose, hoping that she wouldn't smell the beer off of me. I closed my eyes, ignoring the hot trickling sensation that was running down my cheek. I heard the bathroom door open and I held my breath.

"Bosco?"

I didn't respond. I was so afraid of what she'd do or say next. In her condition, she might very well go over the deep end when she found out that I'd ditched her and gone drinking.

"Bosco?" This time it came out a little stronger.

Nothing.

"Bosco, what the hell were you doing? I know you're awake!" she said in a worried/angry tone.

I opened my eyes a slit, pretending that she'd just woken me from a deep sleep. "Whaa ya want? I'ss sleepin'." I drawled, half from the alcohol and half pretending.

She crossed her arms over her breasts, as she always did when something really annoyed her. "I know you weren't sleeping. I just got up to go to the bathroom five minutes ago. Where were you and why is your head bleeding?"

She came and stood in front of me and shook her head, her blond hair wagging back and forth.

"I'm sleepin' Fay. Let's talk about this later." I said, reaching up to touch the lump on the side of my head.

"No. Let's talk now. I was worried. Where were you tonight? I was worried sick!"

"I was here. Sleepin."

"Bosco!"

I opened my eyes, aware that I wasn't fooling her. In my alcohol soaked brain, it seemed to make perfect sense to me. But still, she wouldn't be fooled.

"Ok. I was with Ty and we went to Haggerty's for a few beers."

She raised her eyebrow. "_A few_? You sure you didn't drink the bar under?"

She walked around to her side of the bed and laid down facing me after grabbing a kleenex and sticking it to my head. Then she reached over and stroked the side of my cheek, which was a total surprise to me. She seemed to get over her annoyance about my late appearance rather quickly, but I wasn't about to ask why. She'd tell me when she was ready.

Her gesture threw me for a loop and I felt myself no longer fighting the sleepy feeling that had come over me. Rather, I was curious about this new mood she was in and why.

I looked over at her. She sighed and rubbed my cheek with her thumb. "I'm sorry, Bos." She said quietly.

I turned over on my side and faced her. "Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?"

She looked up at the ceiling for a moment, her blue eyes welling up with tears.

"I'm sorry for being so...so....difficult these last few weeks. I was feeling like my life was.....well.....over....and I didn't know how to go on." She faltered over her words, trying to express how she was feeling.

I reached out to her and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. My heart was pounding for her, an overwhelming flood of emotion coursing through my veins.

"Baby, you have nothing to feel sorry about. You only reacted the way any other woman would have. I'm sorry for not calling you tonight. I just wanted to get out and have a drink and.....just not think about what's happened." I tried to say my words carefully, so as not to hurt her. I was known for not being the most compassionate person after I'd had a few drinks and I didn't want to say anything to upset her.

She leaned over and kissed me, her lips brushing carefully over mine. "I wasn't mad at you. I was worried. I thought that you didn't want to be with me anymore and it scared me."

It was my turn to rub her cheek with my thumb. "I would never leave you. I just needed some time to myself".

"I love you, Bos."

"I love you, too. But Fay?"

"Ya?"

"I can't talk anymore. I'm gonna pass out." I said, sleepily.

"Ok. Goodnight."

I don't know if it was the alcohol or just my imagination, but I went to sleep that night thinking that everything was going to work out just fine. Faith had actually had a decent conversation with me and hadn't even been mad that I'd gone out. I felt like I would wake up tomorrow and we would make a new start from there. It would all be fine. _Me and my ideas._


	28. Another Surprise

I woke up early the next morning and untangled myself from Bosco's embrace. I carefully peeled the blankets off of me and climbed out of bed. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, hoping that he wouldn't wake up.

He looked like a little boy when he slept. His hair all tousled and messy, his eyes sewn shut and his mouth half open. One thing was for sure; he was gonna regret going out last night. The smell of alcohol was reeking from him and it made my stomach sick and I knew he was gonna feel awful when he woke up. Served him right, I giggled to myself. He'd be paying homage to the porcelain God before the morning was through. It was enough punishment for him; I didn't need to say anything else to him.

If he'd done this to me two day ago, I'd of been unconsolable. I would have freaked out solid on him for not calling me and not coming home until hours after his shift. But today was a new day. A day for being happy just to be alive. I was having a baby and I felt like things were going to be alright.

For the first time in weeks, I actually contemplated going out with the girls or going out to a movie. This new life growing inside of me gave me hope. It didn't much matter what Bosco wanted. I know it was selfish of me, but even if he didn't want this baby, I was going to keep it. I very much doubted that he would tell me to get rid of it. But it didn't matter even if he did. I already loved this child and I was gonna give it the best home.

Thoughts of Emily and Charlie came to me as I got dressed. Good thoughts about them from their early years. I remembered them as toddlers and then as pre-teens. Emily was a handful and Charlie, oh Charlie was my angel. Never complaining, never hard to handle. My son was blessed with a curiosity and love for life and all it had to bring. I missed them. Missed them so much it was hard to believe that I'd ever recover from this pain. But now I had reason to move on.

I wondered how Bosco would be as a dad. I never for one second thought that he'd be rotten like his old man, but what kind of dad would he be? The kind who came home and gave their kid a bath or played ball in the park? Or would he be distant and moody, irritated because he was forced to marry the woman he got pregnant?

I shook my head to clear away my thoughts. Bosco would never react that way to my news. He loved me, right?

I got into the shower and dressed as quickly as I could. I was still weak and pale and hadn't had much to eat in days, but this news of mine had perked me up to the point that I really did feel like eating. The joys of pregnancy; sometimes you eat and sometimes you just throw up. Eat while you _can _and while you still _want_ to.

I made an appointment with my doctors office and headed out the door after leaving Bos a quick note.

_**Bosco,**_

_**I had an errand to run. I'll be back soon. Don't worry. **_

_**Love, Faith**_

I didn't have to wait long to get in. This was my lucky day and it didn't hurt that my doctor took me right away, knowing the tragedy that had befallen me.

It stared off as a routein exam. Him checking my blood pressure and feeling around my belly. He took blood and asked me how I was feeling mentally. I, of course, had been better, but told him that I was really happy and excited for myself and for Bosco.

This was going to be the best gift I could ever give him; a child of his very own.

"Do you want to know how far along you are?"

"Ya. Sure. I already have an idea, though." I said.

He did some calculations on his computer and looked over at me.

"You're about six weeks along now."

Dead air. Drowning. I'm drowning. It couldn't be right. It couldn't be. I'd had to be a mistake.

I caughed, trying not to burst into tears. "I'm sorry. There has to be some mistake Doctor. Did you say six weeks?"

He nodded, a look of concern forming on his face. "I'm sure. Is there something wrong, Faith?"

Not at all. No. Nothing wrong here. I felt all the air being sucked out of my lungs. I ducked my head in between my legs that were dangling over the edge of the examination table, trying to breathe....or maybe wishing that my earlier thoughts of suicide weren't so bad after all.

Six weeks. I was carrying Jimmy's baby.


	29. Errands and the Porcelain God

When I woke up the next morning, I rolled over to cuddle with Faith and she wasn't there. Figuring she was just in the bathroom, I closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep. In my dream, Emily and Charlie were still alive and we were all on a trip to Florida at Sea World. Faith was laughing and hugging me, telling me that she was so happy now that it was just the four of us. No Fred hanging around or calling and bugging. It was just the way it was supposed to be. We walked around behind the kids looking at all of the underwater creatures, watching their eager faces light up with every new thing they saw. I was happy. We were all happy.

When I woke for the second time, I was stunned to realize that my dream had just been that; a dream and my head was pounding and my stomach was so upset that I could hardly get to the bathroom before I had to throw up. And throw up I did; It was the worst hangover I'd had in a long time and I knew I deserved every heave and wretch. But that didn't make it any less disgusting.

I leaned my head down onto the toilet seat and closed my eyes, trying to get enough energy to make it back to bed. Trouble was that I couldn't move from where I was. I slumped on the floor and curled up next to the tub and waited for the next wave of nausea to hit me.

I thought about Faith and where she was. If she was home she would have heard me by now and she'd of come down to the bathroom. She hadn't left the house for weeks. Where could she have gone?

Maybe she was mad at me for coming home drunk. I tried to think about what had happened after I'd got home and what we talked about but it was all hazy in my mind. I thought I remembered her stroking my cheek and that would have meant that she wasn't mad....or was she crying? I couldn't remember if I had said or done something to make her cry, besides coming home late _and _drunk. I vowed to myself to never go out and drink that much again _and_ to always call her and let her know where I was.

As I tried to get up off of the floor, I lost my balance and reached out and grabbed the nearest thing to me; the garbage can. As expected, it was too light to support my weight and it tipped over, making me land with my face against the side. Cursing, I rolled over and sat up, tipping it back to its original position. Most of the garbage had fallen out, so I picked it back up. As I started to stuff it back in, a box caught the corner of my eye. It was a pregnancy test.

As I pulled the little cardboard box out of the trash, I noticed another one underneath it. I pulled it out as well and opened the top of each box. I grabbed what looked like a giant q-tip out of each and looked at it. I didn't have a clue what the color meant, so I read the directions on the box.

'_Pink indicates a negative result'_. The directions stated. I looked at the stick. It wasn't pink.

'_Blue indicates a positive result'. _I didn't have to look again to know what it meant. Each stick was a bright blue color.

I sat blinking, and unmoving for a good five minutes. Was Faith pregnant?

I was gonna be a dad. A dad. I didn't have the first clue how to be a father. I didn't have any example to go by, that was for damn sure. Thoughts of my father yelling at me when I was a kid came flooding over me.

'_Maurice! Get your worthless butt over here now! You're never gonna amount to nothin' ! You're a loser! A no good mistake that I've been payin' for since the day you was born'!_

I shook my head, not knowing what to feel. Secretly, the idea of me having a kid of my own was exciting. I had thought about it from the day that Faith and I had got together, although it wasn't something I could tell her when she had just lost her two children. But seeing those positive tests made me scared. What if I was a terrible father? What if I was like my own dad? I couldn't risk putting a kid through what my brother and I had gone through.

It was a whole different story when you were confronted with reality and not just the fantasy. Maybe Faith wouldn't want it. Maybe it would be too hard on her; too much of a reminder of Em and Charlie.

What if she wanted to get rid of it? I ran my hands through my hair, contemplating all of the possibilities. I got up off the floor and made my way out into the kitchen. I shuffled along, hoping that Faith had left something for my stomach on the table. I didn't find anything, but I did find a note saying that she was running an errand and that she'd be back.

I put a pot of coffee on, knowing that it was the only thing that could cure my hangover, which most people found gross but it really did work for me, and sat down to wait for her to return.

Either way, I was gonna find out what was going on or I'd go crazy.

I must have fallen asleep again, cause when I woke, Faith was coming through the door.

She took one look at me and put on a fake smile. "Hi babe. How you feelin'?"

I pulled my head off the table and licked my lips, which were dry enough to feel like sandpaper. I laid my hand in a puddle of drool and quickly wiped it away.

"Like crap. Where you been?"

She looked away from me, and shut the door, turning her back so I couldn't see her eyes. Her eyes always gave her away.

"Oh, just had to run an errand. Do you want something to eat?" She changed the subject, while walking over to the sink.

I shook my head. "Faith, this is the first time in five weeks that you've got out of bed and you go off on an errand! Why didn't you tell me? I'd of gone with you or something". I couldn't pretend that I wasn't a little hurt over her new found energy and her unwillingness to let me in on her secret.

"I'm sorry. I just needed to go out and I didn't want to wake you." She offered weakly.

"Faith. Where were you?"

She looked over at me, suspicious of why I was asking her again.

"On an errand. I told you."

I stood up and walked over next to her, the hurt clearly showing in my face.

"Ya. You told me." I said, folding my arms over my chest. "And when were you gonna tell me about the baby?"


	30. Gulity Feelings

After I left the doctor's office, I walked around Central Park, hoping to clear my head before I went home. I didn't know what to do; I was carrying another man's child and I knew, instinctively, that Bosco would not have a warm reaction to the news. Although, he had loved both of my children dearly, I knew that this was going to crush him. He hated Jimmy, positively hated the man and I knew that this baby would bind Jimmy and I together permanently.

With everything that had happened in the last few weeks, this was the last thing that he needed. He had looked after me, cared for me and confessed his love to me, only to be rewarded with the announcement that I was having Jimmy's baby. It would tear him apart, I knew that, and I wondered if I had the strength to tell him what I knew.

Part of me wanted to keep this information to myself and the other wanted to just go to Bosco and plead my case. Either way, I was keeping my baby, and no one could tell me otherwise.

But what would Jimmy's reaction be? He already had Joey and now, he was having a baby with Sarah. I'm sure the last thing he would want was another child on top of the two he already had. I cringed inside, thinking about how I would tell him. Even though the day was clear and sunny, I shivered to myself, crossing my arms protectively around myself, wishing I had some way to erase the past and make Bosco the father of my child.

To put it mildly, my heart was torn in two. I loved Bosco and I loved this new life growing inside of me. I would never give my baby up, but at the same point in time, I didn't want to lose Bos either. What could I do? How could I make this situation livable?

'_Don't tell him'_, a voice inside me said.

'_You have to tell him. It's wrong_. _He needs to know the truth',_ another voice pleaded.

'_He'll never know the difference anyway. He will love this baby. Don't do this to an innocent child'._

'_How could you live with yourself, knowing you lied to Bosco and robbed your child of its rightful father?'_

I sat down on a bench, my head in my hands. I was sick inside with worry and grief over what I had done. I couldn't argue with myself. How could I not tell Bosco? How could I tell him? How was I supposed to do this so that no one got hurt?

I looked up at the blue sky and prayed to God like I'd never prayed before. I clasped my hands so tight that I was in danger of cutting off my own circulation.

'_God, if you're listening, please tell me what to do. Please let me know how to tell them about this baby. This is my second chance Lord, and I want this baby. Please, give me a sign.'_ I silently begged.

I sat there with my eyes closed for the longest time, just waiting for some kind of sign to appear to me. I knew that it didn't really work that way. God doesn't just give us signs to let us know what his will is, he let's us choose as we see fit. The trouble was, that a lot of the time we don't make good choices. I had already demonstrated that by having the fling with Jimmy. Now, I had to suffer the consequences, but at what cost to me? To Bosco and Jimmy? But most of all, my unborn child.

I opened my eyes and looked around. It was a beautiful day and I hadn't seen one of those for such a long time. It was refreshing. I took the time to really see the people who were walking. Mothers, fathers, babies and small children lined the path.

One mother and baby, in particular, caught my attention. She was probably no more than 24 or 25, with long blond hair. She wore a white jogging suit with a white Yankees baseball hat. Her child was no more than 3 at the most, but what threw me was his face.

He was the sweetest child I'd ever seen, next to my own, with light brown hair and big green eyes. He was chatting away to his mother, asking question after question and pointing to everyone and everything he saw.

She stopped at my bench and sat down, taking care to turn the stroller facing her, so that she could see her son.

He was a dead ringer for Bosco. His face was shaped the same, his eyes were the same color and even his hair was the same shade as Bosco's. It was the sign I had waited for.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

He looked at his mother and when she nodded, he proudly stated. "Maurice and I'm three." He said, holding up his fingers.

I sucked in my breath, not believing how ironic this whole situation was turning out to be and smiled at him, tears threatening to break loose from my lids.

"Maurice? That's a wonderful name." I said

His mother turned to me, and smiled. "Hi. I'm Amy. It' s a great day, isn't it?"

"I'm Faith. It's wonderful out ". I replied.

Maurice looked at me curiously and pointed at me. "Why you sad?" He asked.

Surprised that he would be so smart and perceptive, I managed another weak smile. "I'm not sad. Why do you think that?"

He leaned forward in his stroller and patted me on the knee. "You have streaks on you."

"I was sad, but I'm happy now. You're a very smart boy, Maurice." I said, as I stood up.

"Bye." He said, waving his small hand.

"Bye, sweetie." I said, walking away as fast as I could. I didn't mean to be rude, but the way this kid made me feel, was totally something out of this world.

I went to the nearest subway station and made my way home. I thought about little Maurice and I knew what I had to do; I just didn't know when or how I was going to ever forgive myself for what I was going to do.

I stood in front of the door to the apartment and took a deep breath. Maybe Bosco would still be asleep and I would have time to think before I had to tell him.

When I entered the kitchen, he was asleep with his face down on the table. I called his name and he began to stir. He wiped off the puddle of drool that had accumulated on the table and sat up.

Butterflies fluttered around in my stomach. I gathered my courage and put on a fake smile. "Hi babe. How you feelin'?"

"Like crap. Where you been?"

"Oh, just had to run an errand. Do you want something to eat?" He shook his head.

"Faith, this is the first time in five weeks that you've got out of bed and you go off on an errand! Why didn't you tell me? I'd of gone with you or something".

"I'm sorry. I just needed to go out and I didn't want to wake you." I offered weakly.

"Faith. Where were you?"

"On an errand. I told you."

He stood up and walked over next to me, the hurt clearly showing in his face.

"Ya. You told me." He said, folding his arms over his chest. "And when were you gonna tell me about the baby?"

He must have seen the shock on my face, and it confirmed that he had found out my secret. And worse, it let him know that I didn't come and tell him first. I saw the look of hurt in his eyes and it tore me up inside.

I felt so guilty for not telling him right away, but he wasn't even home when I found out and he'd come home drunk and that pretty much ended the chance to tell him.

"I wanted to tell you last night after I took the test, but you came home in no condition to hear that kind of news and I went to the doctor to be one hundred percent sure....I'm sorry." I said lamely, knowing that it wasn't a good enough excuse for my actions.

He pursed his lips together and looked away for a moment, as if contemplating what to say next. I could tell he was conflicted about the way he was feeling. He was hurt that I hadn't told him right away, and yet, I could tell that beneath the surface that he wasn't all that upset about the pregnancy aspect. If he was really upset I would have heard it by now.

I held my breath and looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He turned back to me, the raw emotion in his eyes said it all, as his face relaxed.

"I would have gone with you." He said softly, closing the gap between us and putting his arms around me.

I let myself fall into his embrace. I let him stroke my back and my hair, while I felt so guilty I could die.

"We're gonna have a baby?" He asked, pulling himself from me and holding me by my shoulders.

"Bos...I..." I began

He put his finger to my lips, silencing me. "No. Faith, let me say this. Will you just listen?" He asked.

I nodded.

"I never thought I could be a father. I was scared of turning out like my dad, but when I saw those tests I just knew that this was meant to be. We're meant to be and I'm happy about this baby." He said earnestly.

Tears sprung to my eyes, listening to him say the words I didn't deserve. If he only knew....if only.

"Bos...there's something.."

"No. Listen. I think this is the best thing that could have happened to us. I know it hasn't been long since Emily and Charlie...but I want to have kids with you and I've been thinking about this a lot....I want you to know that I want this baby and I want us to be a family."

He was so sweet and sincere, it made me feel sick. I couldn't do this to him. I knew I had to tell him that it was Jimmy's baby....but how?

As we stood there in the kitchen, holding one another, I knew that my world was about to change. I just wondered how I was going to tell Bosco the news that would undoubtedly end our relationship forever?


	31. Aren't you happy?

I held Faith for the longest time, hoping that she would understand how much I wanted this baby and how much I loved her.

She said nothing, but held on to me as tightly as she could, as if she were afraid that her world would fall apart.

I knew that this pregnancy was a shock to her and I hoped that she really wanted this child. I knew that from the moment I understood that it was happening, that I had never wanted anything more. We were going to be a family.

Thoughts about what our child would look like filled my head, making me hope for a healthy baby, son or daughter. It didn't matter what we had, although, it would be nice to have a son. I pictured us at the park playing baseball or just sitting at home watching Disney movies.

Truthfully, I hadn't expected to be a father at this point in my life. I knew I wanted kids but had never found any woman that I'd wanted to have them with, that was, until Faith.

I knew she would be a great mother and I hoped that this pregnancy would be the thing to make her come back to me. It had been a lonely few weeks for me, with no thoughts of things getting any better. This pregnancy represented a new beginning for both of us.

I pulled back from her, trying to see what she was thinking. She wouldn't look me in the eye and it scared me.

"Faith? Why aren't you saying anything? What's wrong? Aren't you happy about this?" I asked.

She looked away for a second and squeezed her eyes shut, as if trying to make herself disappear.

"I'm happy. I'm just surprised I guess." Came her soft reply. She broke loose from my hold and walked down the hall into the bedroom.

Not knowing what else to do, I followed her, hoping that she would open up to me. I knew what was wrong. She was afraid that she couldn't handle another child or maybe it was that she wasn't sure if I could be a father. I just wanted to hear her say it. She had been closed off for so long, and had shut herself away from the world and me, that she was in desperate need of letting her emotions free.

I walked into the bedroom and went over to the bed. She was curled up, not facing me and crying.

"Faith. Let's talk. Tell me what's going on." I said as I sat down.

I placed my hand on her back and rubbed it gently, hoping that she would open up to me. She didn't respond, she just laid there.

"Faith. Please. We have to talk about this. You're scaring me. Please." I pleaded.

Finally, she turned to face me, tears falling fast and hard. She reached over and pulled me down to her, hugging me tightly.

"Oh, Bosco. I'm happy about this. I just miss Em and Charlie so much and I feel guilty about having another baby when my own babies are in the ground." She sobbed into my shoulder.

I held her tightly and kissed her cheeks. "Faith. You can't feel guilty about having a baby. This baby was created out of love and it will have both of us . We're gonna be a family. I don't want you to feel bad. Please stop crying. I don't know how to make you feel better. I want this baby and I know you're probably wondering if I'd be a good dad, and I want you to know that I will. I swear it. I will put all of my energy into making you proud of me. I won't be anything like my father. I promise."

She gently pushed me away from her and sat up. "You think that I'm wondering if you'd be a good dad? I know you'll be a great dad, Bos. Don't ever think that." She said firmly. "I don't deserve you. I really don't."

"Don't deserve me? What are you talking about? You're the best thing that ever happened to me." I cupped her face with my hands and looked her dead in the eye.

"There isn't anyone better than you. I can't believe that I have this chance to be a better man. It's all because of you, baby."

She said nothing, just leaned forward and kissed me. I could tell that she had more to say, but that she couldn't say it. I should have pressed her on it. I shouldn't have taken no for an answer, but I didn't.

I got ready for work and left her there in her own thoughts. I was starting to realize that we were starting a new phase in our relationship, but that something wasn't right.

A thought occurred to me on the ride to the station. Maybe she was upset because we weren't married. A light came on in my head. Of course! That had to be it. Otherwise, she would have been happier about this news.

I remembered her saying something about how she was pregnant with Emily without being married first and how she wished it had happed the other way. Her mom and dad had never let up on the fact that Emily had been a mistake. That was the problem. She wanted us to be married.

I could rectify that and I could do it soon. The wheels were turning and I knew that it was time to ask Faith to marry me.


	32. Losing again

I lay in bed for hours after Bosco left for work. I felt so guilty for not telling him about the fact that he wasn't the father.

I knew that if I didn't tell him, I could never forgive myself. What was I supposed to do? Thoughts of him leaving me once he found out filled my head. There was no way that he'd stay with me once he knew. The worst part was that I'd listened to him talk about how much he wanted this child and I hadn't stopped him. I let him believe that I was only upset about Emily and Charlie.

I was upset about them, but it was not an honest excuse. I felt my forehead and it was clammy. I felt sick to my stomach again and had to go to the bathroom and vomit.

I had never felt so low. It was different than that feeling you have when someone dies. This was a feeling of self loathing that I knew I would carry until the day I died. How could I have let this happen?

Out in the kitchen, the phone began to ring. I didn't feel like answering it. It was probably Bosco calling, wanting to talk more. Usually, he wasn't the type of man who wanted to talk things to death, but he could tell that there was more to my story than I was letting on.

I laid back down and fell into a restless sleep. I dreamed that I told Bosco about Jimmy being the father and he left me. I chased him down the street, begging him to reconsider, but he didn't seem to hear me. He just kept going and left me on the sidewalk, crying.

I woke up about nine o'clock, starving and had a huge headache. I walked out into the kitchen and was struck with a terrible pain in my lower abdomen. It almost knocked the wind out of me, it was so intense.

I doubled over, clutching my stomach, while trying to grab for the cordless that was sitting on the counter. I managed to get it and sank to the floor.

Crying, I tried to dial the precinct, but the pain was so great, I felt myself begin to pass out. I was bleeding heavily, and it had already soaked through my pajama's, causing me to realize that I had lost a lot more blood than I should have.

Everything was hazy when I woke again. My lips and throat were dry. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. My eyes settled on the clock on the wall. It was ten o'clock. I had laid there for an hour.

Gasping, I tried to pull myself up off of the floor, but to no avail. I felt as if my stomach had been ripped out. I reached for the phone and dialed Bosco's cell, figuring that I'd reach him quicker.

I let it ring about ten times, before I started to give up hope. He must have left it in his locker, which was something he didn't usually do. I was beginning to feel faint again and hoped that I didn't faint before he answered.

Just before I hung up, he answered. "Boscorelli".

"Bosco?" I managed to gasp into the phone.

"Faith? What's wrong?" He answered in a panicked voice.

"Bosco. Come home. I'm bleeding...the baby...I..." That was the last thing I remembered before I dropped the phone and surrendered to the darkness.


	33. Where has Jason Wiles gone?

AUTHORS NOTE: JUST A QUESTION FOR ALL OF YOU READERS: HAS JASON WILES LEFT THE SHOW? I MISSED THE BEGINNING OF IT LAST WEEK, SO I DON'T KNOW IF HIS NAME IS STILL ON THE OPENING! DOES ANYONE KNOW IF HE'S GONE? I CANNOT IMAGINE THIRD WATCH WITHOUT HIM! ARE WE IN AGREEANCE HERE? GIVE ME A 'YAH'!


	34. Silence

I got to Faith within twenty minutes of her call. I couldn't explain the feeling of panic that had engulfed my entire body. As long as I lived, I would always remember this night and know that it was the beginning of a downward spiral. I prayed that the baby was fine, because I knew that this was just too much for her to take. All I could think about was helping her. I didn't know a lot about pregnancy, but I knew that losing blood wasn't good.

I drove as fast as I could, the lights in the RMP swirling and flashing, warning everyone to stay out of my way. As I made my way down the dark, glassy streets, I knew already that I was too late.

I should have called in sick to work or taken a vacation day and stayed home with her. I knew in my gut that I should have taken the time to press her on what was really going on, and instead, I had walked out the door and gone to work anyway. It was stress that had caused her to feel this way. She had too much going on and I hadn't helped enough.

As I drove toward our apartment, my self-loathing continued, making me feel like the worst human being in the world. Why couldn't I just make everything work out for once? We had lost Emily and Charlie and now, this. Were we destined to be unhappy? To not lead productive, happy lives?

I saw the red brick of our building and pulled up along the sidewalk. The lights of the RMP casting a red and blue glow. It seemed to be warning me, 'hurry, hurry'.

I grabbed the keys and threw the car door open and bounded up the steps. I jabbed the elevator button impatiently, willing it to open immediately. Tired of waiting, I took the stairs, two at a time, not daring to breathe until I had Faith in my arms.

She was lying on the kitchen floor, all doubled over and writhing in pain. Blood had soaked through her pajama bottoms, making it look like she was swimming in a sea of it.

The only thing she kept saying for the rest of that night was 'the baby. The baby's gone.' It killed me to hear it. I knew it was true and I had expected it, but it didn't lessen the pain I felt from losing the closest thing I had to a child of my own.

As I sat next to her bed, holding her hand, I couldn't help but wonder if we'd have this chance again. What if she never wanted to have kids now? Could I go through life without a namesake? These were questions that I knew were premature and not worth worrying about, but I couldn't help myself.

Too many things were happening. Too many things being thrown at us and while we tried to recover from the first blow, the second and third were being hurled faster than we could cope with.

When did life get so hard? I guess it had all started with the loss of Em and Charlie and then the rest just went downhill from there. Faith would never be the same without her children, I knew that. But, I really thought that this baby was going to be the mark of a new beginning. Now, I would be lucky if I ever got her out of the depression that she had fallen into already.

I still wanted to ask her to marry me as soon as she recovered and came home from the hospital. This time, I was going to take a few weeks off of work to be with her. She had used almost all of her time off, but still had a couple of weeks left and I intended to be with her. I felt guilty, even though I knew in my heart that I had nothing to do with it. I was always my own worst enemy.

I excused myself and went to a pay phone down the hall. Not that it had mattered to Faith. She hadn't looked my way since I had found her. She was locked in her own mind, not wanting to deal with reality right now. It seemed that I was going to be on my own to deal with the loss of our child. I was used to it by now. I hadn't survived the last couple of months without having being used to counting on myself.

Lieu was understanding, as always, and granted me two weeks of vacation time that I had coming. I was always amazed at how he was so gruff, but could come to the aid of his officers with such understanding and sympathy. I had been riding with Gussler lately and he'd been driving me nuts anyway, so I didn't mind ditching him. Faith had to be back at work in two weeks and I hoped that I could get her better by then.

For the next two weeks, Faith and I spent every minute together. I have to say that it went better than I expected. Although she didn't say much, she wanted me to hold her and comfort her. We spent a lot of time napping, as people tend to do when they are depressed, and a lot of time just sitting around in bed, reading or watching tv. I was thankful, in a way, that she didn't want to talk about it, because I had no idea how to cheer her up or how to make this pain go away. I wanted to be strong for her, but just once, I wanted her to ask me how I felt. To let me cry on her shoulder. For her to tell me that she still loved me.

I knew she loved me, but I was feeling a little insecure, I guess and I wanted to hear it. But, it never came.

"Faith?"

"Hmm?"

"Why havn't you asked me how I feel about what happened?" I asked, quietly, hoping that I wouldn't set her off.

She looked up at me from the magazine she was reading, a confused look on her face. Her blue eyes widening.

"How you feel?"

"Ya. You never asked me how I felt about losing the...about this."

She sighed and put the magazine down on her lap and motioned for me to lay my head on her lap, which I did so gladly, greedy for affection.

She entwined her hands into my hair, and dragged her nails across my scalp. I closed my eyes, relaxing as she stroked me.

"I'm sorry, Bos. I feel like there's nothing I can say to you that will ever make up for....what I've done. But, I am sorry. So sorry. You'll never know" She murmured.

I opened my eyes, not comfortable with her telling me that she was responsible for the miscarriage. I shook my head. "No. It's not your fault. Don't apologize for what you couldn't control. I just wondered why you didn't want to know how I felt. I....feel so bad....I can't help you and it seems that you don't care how I feel.." I babbled, not able to control all of the emotions that wanted to come out of me.

"Shhh....shhh." She soothed. "Baby, I'm sorry. I was selfish. I have a hard time thinking about anything else these days...how do you feel? Tell me."

I rolled off of her lap and laid down beside her, entwining my hand with hers, not wanting to let go.

"I feel....I just feel....so...sick inside. I wanted this baby. I want to have a baby with you.....why can't we be happy?"

"We will be again, Bos. We both need time to get our minds wrapped around all of this. I know I've been distracted by everything, but we can try again for another baby, when the time is right."

When the time was right. When had the time ever been right for us?


	35. Two Weeks

It had been two weeks since I lost the baby. Two weeks since my world had come crashing down on top of me and left me helpless. Two _more_ weeks of feeling guilty about not telling Bosco the truth, and two weeks of feeling so low that I didn't know where to turn.

Bosco had done the best he could, under the circumstances. He tried to understand that I didn't want to talk about it. He pretty much left me alone to grieve in private when I needed to, and although it was very selfish of me, I just couldn't get it together long enough to listen to his broken heart, too. Some nights, I would wake up and he'd be gone. The empty bed beside me, reminding me that I was a liar and cheat. I had cheated Bosco by letting him believe that this child was his and truth be told, the guilt alone was eating me up inside.

The first time it happened, I thought he had actually left the house, but upon getting out of bed, I could hear him in the living room, crying. I listened at the doorway, my heart breaking. Knowing that if he ever knew the truth, he would never speak to me again. I couldn't make myself go in there and comfort him, so I just went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. How could I comfort him when I knew that it was my fault?

I was his Judas. The one person who would, in the end, betray him like no other. In the morning, he was always in bed with me, and never said a word about how he was feeling. I knew he was waiting for me to ask, to comfort him, but I never did. And I knew that it had changed our relationship forever.

In those two weeks, I felt him drifting from me. He was still there, in every sense of the word, but he wasn't _there_. He sat with me, he ate dinner, he talked about simple things, but nothing to do with how he was feeling. And I didn't ask. I see now, that I should have.

At that time, he would watch tv with me or just lay on the bed beside me, his heart calling out for me to say something; anything. But I never did.

Even though he had devoted the last two weeks to staying home with me, I felt his resentment growing more and more each day. He didn't understand why I wasn't talking and he was hurt by my lack of attention to him and his needs. I could tell he felt guilty for the way things had happened, but I didn't ease his pain.

If only I had come home that day and told him the truth, none of this would be happening, I thought to myself. My time off work was over and I had to go back to work the next day. I was secretly dreading the thought of being around people again. No one had known that I was pregnant and I wanted to keep it that way, but, I hadn't seen anyone since the day of the funeral and I really was reluctant to accept any more condolences for my loss.

My loss. I had done nothing but lose for the past few weeks and I was tired of it. Tired of crying, throwing up and grieving until my heart was empty. I had lost three children such a short span of time, I felt as if I were cursed.

I was cursed and I knew as soon as I told Bosco what had been bothering me for all these weeks, he'd flip his lid, and rightfully so. In the end, I knew that I would have lost my children and the love of my life as well. I couldn't sink any further, or so it seemed.

Bosco came home shortly after midnight. He walked through the door and tossed his keys on the table, as he usually did, and came down to our bedroom.

He poked his head around the door to see if I was still awake. He had on a pair of nice jeans and a black sweatshirt with his baseball cap on backwards.

I wanted to remember just how handsome he was. Remember the way he looked before I broke his heart.

He leaned against the doorway, his hand in his pocket and looked longingly at me.

"How's your night been?" He asked softly. He glanced around the room as he spoke, as if he'd pay a million bucks to be anywhere but here.

"Good. Your's?" I asked.

He nodded his head and looked down at the ground. "Busy. Lot's goin on." He looked away for a second before he spoke again.

"Listen. I'm gonna go to Haggerty's for a while. Blow off some steam and have a few beers."

I didn't want to go to Haggerty's at this time of night. I needed to talk to him and going out wasn't on my agenda.

"I don't feel like going out right now." I started.

He cleared his throat and licked his lips. "Na. I meant me_....I_ need to get out of here and be by myself for a bit....I need ta unwind."

"Oh." I said, hurt that he clearly didn't want me to go with him. "You need to go to Haggerty's to be by yourself?"

"I need.....I need to just....to get away from....this." He said, quietly, pointing his free arm around the room. What he really meant was me. He wanted to get away from me. Well, I could help him with that.

He looked at me then, the pain so clear in his eyes, I had to look away, for fear I would cry. I had failed him and we both knew it. He was telling me that he needed time and space and we all know where that leads to.

I felt my eyes tear over, for I knew that life as I knew it was about to change. I patted the bed beside me and motioned for him to come closer.

"Bosco, before you go, I need to talk to you about something really important and you won't want to hear it, but I'm ready to tell you now, so please let me do this before you leave." I said, sick to my stomach. I held the tears in that threatened to break loose and got out of bed. I had to be standing in order to get through what I was about to say.

He didn't look surprised at my statement. He walked in further, but didn't sit down. He crossed his arms over his chest. He was expecting the worst. He always did.

"What do you want to tell me?"

I swallowed nervously, bile making my stomach churn and spin. I thought I would faint before I got the words out.

I bit my lip and looked around the room. I was sure gonna miss this apartment and the life that went with it.

"There's something that I havn't told you and it's really hard for me to tell you now. It's about the baby."

He nodded. "What about the baby?" He asked gently. I could see the very mention of that word made him cringe.

"I want you to know...to understand that I wanted to tell you the moment I found out, but I didn't know how...and I wanted to find the right words to say it but then......then....I lost it and now I can't live with myself until I get this off my chest." I said, so afraid to let the words actually come out of my mouth.

His breathing had become rapid, his chest pumping in and out. He knew that what he was about to hear was gonna change his life and he was scared. Hell, I could see he was petrified.

"Bos, when I went to the doctor, he told me that I was six weeks pregnant."

He shut his eyes for a moment, as if to squeeze out reality and keep it far, far away. He opened them and in that instant, he looked at me like he didn't know me.

"That means that it's not..." I started.

"I _know_ what it means! Do you think I'm _stupid_?" He roared at me.

I shook my head, hurt by his loudness. "No..I..."

His face contorted into a grimace and he pointed at me accusingly. "_You knew_ that it wasn't my baby and you let me think..." He walked over to me and pointed in my face.

"You let me _believe_ that you had lost _our baby!" _He walked away from me and sat down on the bed. He held his head in his hands and began to cry.

I started to walk over to him, to comfort him, to beg forgiveness, but as soon as I got near him he pulled his hands off his face.

"_Don't you come near me! Don't you ever come near me again! You lied to me!_ " He yelled, stabbing his finger into his chest, for emphasis.

"_You LIED to me. After everything we've been through! You let me believe that you lost our baby. Our baby! You were having a baby with Jimmy! We're you ever gonna tell me the difference?"_ He shouted, his anger now uncontrolled.

I opened my mouth to speak and he jumped off the bed and walked to the closet. He pulled out as many of my clothes as he could and threw them on the bed. It was then that I started to bawl and ran over and grabbed on to his arm.

"Please, Bosco...I didn't mean to lie to you....I...."

He pried my fingers off of him and continued to empty my things on to the bed. "Didn't mean to? Didn't mean to? I don't want to hear it." He yelled.

"Bosco. Listen to me. I love you." I blatted, hoping he'd forgive me.

He turned and looked me in the face. I had never seen him so angry. He pointed his finger at me until it literally touched my nose.

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that again!" He spit at me from clenched teeth.

Tears spilled down my cheeks, staining my face, cutting me like a knife. "Please, Bosco! Listen to me! I do love you. I never meant for this to happen....." I cried.

He took one last look at me and narrowed his eyes. Two tears escaped and slowly ran down his cheeks.

"Get out. Don't ever talk to me again. I'm getting a new partner tomorrow and that's the end of it."

With that he walked out of the bedroom and out of my life.


	36. Dragging On

Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch...blah, blah, blah. I have no money. Plus, I do not own the song entitled "Dragging On". It belongs to Blue Rodeo and Jim Cuddy and Greg Keelor. In my opinion, there is no other song writing team who can sum up in words, like those two can. On to the story.

Dragging On

In all my life, I had never experienced such pain. I had never suffered the kind of emotional collapse that was mine since the minute Faith told me that I was not the father of her child.

I felt betrayed in a way that seemed to me, at the time, inexcusable and permanent. The only other person in my life that I could count on was Faith. She had seen me at my worst; she saw me at my best and the one thing I always knew to be true was our friendship. Even when I was a kid, I couldn't count on my parents. I only had me. And in turn, I was all that Mikey had to count on. Dad was always drunk and abusive; my ma was always making up for it and trying to shelter us from it. It never worked and in the end, we always felt betrayed and angry. Angry at him for being the way he was and angry at her for letting it happen.

Eventually, the anger that I had directed toward her for being weak, took on a new understanding. I learned to forgive her for her weakness, or what I thought was weakness, and realized that she did the best she could under the circumstances that surrounded her.

As time went on, I felt myself deepening my anger towards my father, until there was nothing left but hatred. I know now that it was a defense mechanism, but it hardened me nonetheless. I always had something to say and I never was one to mince words or not say how I felt, but this new way of coping always assured me that I would never let myself get into a position like that ever again. I would live my life without letting anyone get that piece of me that could be hurt or vulnerable. I did good, too, until I met Faith.

My first day at the Academy, we were standing in line to get our uniforms and she was standing behind me. I made some comment under my breath about how long the line was and she piped up and told me to stop whining like a little girl. I was shocked to see such a fine female actually have the guts to put me in my place and I knew from then on that she was special. We became good friends from that moment on, each drawing strength from the other. I helped her and she helped me. Even though she didn't want to admit it, we were good for each other.

That's how we ended up being partners when we got on the job. No one wanted to pair up with me accept her. She knew me better than anyone else and I respected her in a way that was almost holy. Even though we had never talked about it, I knew she wasn't respected at home. I knew that she was with the wrong man, but that she appreciated the way that I thought of her and the fact that I'd lay down my life for her.

The truth was that I was in love with her from the day I told her about my family and the way I grew up. She had a way of bringing out the most private thoughts in my head and letting me know that it was ok to be upset years later. She once told me that she admired me for sticking it out with a father who treated us so bad. She let me realize why I joined the Academy. I wanted to help people and I knew I could make a difference. A lot of times I made crass jokes and complained about the people we were helping, but inside, I was always a mess. It killed me to go on a domestic call when I had to see a wife or mother beat up or worse, a child. It made me angry. Angry at him. Angry that I was too little to stop his abuse. Too little to end the violence and the emotional drain that went along with it.

Faith let me see why I did the things I did and she made me believe that I was good person in spite of the way I carried on. No one else had ever taken the time to know me or why I worked the way I did.

Now, it was over and I had no idea how to live my life without her.

The night she told me, was the night she ripped out my heart and replaced it with another kind of anger; the kind born out of emotional betrayal. The kind that stays with you until your dying days and eats away at your very soul, reminding you that you were hurt in the worst kind of way.

I couldn't breath without thinking of her. I couldn't eat or sleep without seeing her face behind my eyelids. She was in my soul, tormenting me, reminding me that she took the one thing away from me that I never had before. Real love.

That night, I had taken all of her things and threw them out into the hallway. I cried the whole time I did it, too. Tears spilling down my cheeks and curses rolling off of my tongue, as I packed up my life, my love, and threw her out.

She had cried the whole time, too, begging me to reconsider. Begging me to listen. But listen, I could not. For if I did, I was afraid that I would forgive her. I was afraid that I would have to give her another chance, and that if I did, I would have to face up to the emotional pain that I was feeling.

I was feeling pain, yes. But this was an angry pain and in staying angry, I had the option to not deal with my true feelings. I had never been great at dealing with the things that had hurt me the most.

I didn't even know where she went that first night, but I know that I didn't get any sleep because I was still worrying about her. I tossed and turned, hoping that she was ok, hoping that she had found a place to go, even though I was angry enough to almost throttle her. I couldn't help but feel guilty for the anger I had displayed to her and the hurtful words I had said. I was poisonous when I was angry and truthfully, I had just wanted her to hurt the way that she had hurt me. I wanted her to feel as badly as I did and I knew I had succeeded when she threw herself down on the floor and held on to my leg, begging for me to give her another chance. There was no question as to whether or not she was feeling an awful pain herself. This was the third child she was lost in a matter of weeks and I knew I should have taken that into consideration, but I couldn't. She had made me believe that she was carrying my child.

I had listened to one of my favorite songs that next day. I played it over and over until my throat was dry and my very existence was numb. It was no secret that my favorite band was Blue Rodeo and I found it ironic that they could always put into words the very things I felt and in listening to them, I found an outlet that I hadn't known existed.

_Wouldn't it be just like me _

_to come undone_

_Get mad and lose my head._

_Leave with the bitter taste_

_Of poison on my tongue_

_from the things I said_

_Things I said._

_You left a hole in me_

_and the rain comes pouring in_

_sometimes I'm swept away._

_All of our memories_

_Are burned into my skin._

_They never fade._

_They never fade._

_It's cold out_

_Nobody wants to be the one_

_who gets thrown out,_

_Left in the rain _

_Like the lonely one_

_When it all comes down _

_to whose been right or wrong_

_Keep dragging on._

_Could it be someone else's life we're looking for_

_I know we wait in vain._

_We leave a mess behind us_

_Laid out on the floor_

_We try, but we don't change_

_We never change._

_It's cold here._

_Too scared to wake up and face the day._

_It seems so clear_

_As we run out of things to say._

_And it all comes down to whose been getting strong_

_We keep dragging on._

_Keep dragging on._

_Hours and hours _

_I have laid here on this bed._

_I know I"m sinking through._

_Waiting to wake up_

_From this vision in my head._

_But I never do._

_I never do._

_Oh, I think I'm done._

_Oh, I think I'm done._

_Oh, I think I'm done._

I had been riding with a new guy for the last two weeks. His name was Ray Affleck. He was from Boston and had been transferred to our precinct because he had been undercover working on some mob cases and something had gone wrong. As a result, he was sent to us to get him out of Boston.

Personally, I thought the guy should have stayed there. He was arrogant and selfish, not to mention, he was always complaining about our accents. He was the one who talked funny. When he said 'car' it sounded like he was saying 'kaaaaa'. He thought he was the king and the rest of us were here to do his bidding. He was my height, with dark hair and eyes, but had a really prissy look about him. Nothin' was ever right with him. The city we lived in, the people, the accents, the coffee. Nothin was as good as Boston. Why the hell didn't he just stay there? How was I supposed to work with someone who was no better than a two year old?

Even though I wouldn't ever admit it, I missed Faith. I missed riding with her and spending the whole day with her. She was great to work with, although, she did have her moments. She hated listening to me complain about something or talk about all the girls I'd been with. But I guess that was just a female thing. I missed eating supper with her and talking about stuff. With Ray, all I ever seemed to do was argue about how great I thought living in New York was, and what a hole he thought it was. I didn't know how long I could keep partnering with him.

Faith, on the other had, or so I had been told, was having a great time working with Gussler. They had a lot in common and he really looked up to her. On occasion, I would hear them coming into the locker room laughing about something one or the other had done and it made me so jealous, I thought my head would blow off. _He_ was riding with her. _He_ got to spend his whole day with her and I wondered how long it would be before he was spending his nights with her as well.

She seemed to be getting back to normal. She was coming to work every day with Sasha, whom she had become close to and I learned later that Faith had been staying with her at her new apartment. Sasha had gone through with the abortion, as she had planned, and her and Ty were through. It seemed that we were all breaking up and trying to move on. I don't know how I looked to everyone else, but I knew that Ty was taking it pretty hard. A couple of nights we had gone to Haggerty's for beers after work and talked about it. We were both pretty emotionally drained, after both thinking we were about to be father's and then having it yanked out from under us without a warning. Ty and I had found that we did have a lot in common and we were becoming really good friends. I was glad that I had someone to talk it out with who understood.

Faith's first week back had been really hard on her, I could tell. As far as I knew, no one at the house knew about her pregnancy so no one asked her about it. She had struggled though the first few days, only breaking down and crying once, or so I heard from Gussler. On the sly, I was still asking how she was doing, only after threatening Gussler that if he told her I would break his legs.

I still loved her with everything I had, but I couldn't forgive her or even attempt to. When we were in the same room together we ignored each other. When we passed by in the hallway or in the locker room, we wouldn't even make eye contact.

It hurt so much to act that way, but I didn't know what else I could do. I knew that I should have talked to her but my stubbornness and pride stopped me every time. I was lost without her and yet, I could never live with her again. I was a mess inside and it was killing me.

Every night I came home from work tired and angry. I still couldn't stand Affleck and was sure that someday soon I would have to kill him myself, or quit my job altogether. I walked into my livingroom and sat down on my couch with a six pack. I had been drinking myself to sleep for two weeks and it was starting to show.

I rubbed the back of my neck, wishing I could work out the tension that had permanently settled there. It had never been a problem for me to sleep until after she left. I didn't even want to go to sleep sober because if I did I knew I'd dream about her.

So every night I went to sleep drunk and angry, and every morning I woke up with tear stains wetting my pillow. I was crying over her in my sleep and I hated myself for it. Hated the weakness I was displaying, even if only to myself. Hated that she had done this to me.

I watched the clock on the wall. I listened to the 'tick, tick, tick,'of it's hand, and with every movement it told me 'It's over. It's over. It's over.' She was killing me, one tick at a time.

On this particular evening, I had come home and drunk my six beer and then gone out and got six more. It didn't seem that I could numb the pain or make it go away. The drunker I got, the more emotional I felt. I missed her. I wanted to hold her. I needed her and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown because of it.

I went to my bedroom that was now so empty without her things, and went to the closet. Inside, I took out a small box that I had tucked away and opened it. It had three pictures of Faith in it. Ones that I didn't have the heart to throw away. I sat down on my bed and stared at the eyes that would haunt me forever and started to cry. I don't know how long I sat there just staring at her face before I realized that I needed closure if I was ever going to move on. The only question was if I wanted to move on. Did I really want someone new or could I find it within myself to forgiver her?

At any rate, I needed to see her and get the weight off of my chest before it all became too much and I suffocated. I had to tell her how I felt. I needed to close the fatal wound she had inflicted and I knew the only way to do that was to get up off my butt and give her a call.

In my drunken state, I did not realize the time of night it was, or I wouldn't have called. I had to talk to her and I had to do it now.

I went out into the kitchen and grabbed my cordless phone and another beer and went back to the livingroom and sat down.

I looked up Sasha's number and dialed.

One ring. Two rings. Three. Four.

On the fifth ring, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Sasha? I need ta talk ta Fay." I said, or rather, slurred.

"Bosco? Do you even know what time it is?" Came her instantly angry voice.

"I know. I know. But I need ta talk to her now. Come on, Sash." I begged when she didn't reply.

"Are you drunk?"

"Noooooo. I'm just needin to talk to her. It's important." I drawled, getting worried that she would hang up on me.

"Fine. I'll tell her. But don't ever call here at 4:00 in the morning again! You got that?" She snapped.

I waited while she went to wake up Faith. I could hear her getting out of bed and walking down the hall and then knocking on Faith's door. She said something that I couldn't quite make out. Then mumbling and a couple of curses and then Faith's voice.

"Bosco! What's wrong?" She asked in an anxious tone. That was a good sign. She was worried and not angry.

My heart leaped and fluttered upon hearing her voice. It made me instantly nervous and yet, it broke my heart at the same time. I had a hard time opening my mouth, for fear I would cry.

"I...uh...wanted to talk to ya about some stuff." I said.

"What stuff?

"I....just....need.....to.....I need to..." I stumbled over the words, not knowing what I _wanted _or how to articulate what I _had_ to say. All I knew was that I needed to see her. It was at that moment that a small cry escaped my lips, a cry which she heard. I covered my eyes with my hand tried to control my aching throat, knowing that the damn was about to let go.

"To what, Bos?" She said, softly, knowing how hard it was for me to call her. How hard it was for me to reach out to her. On the other end, I knew she was breaking to pieces as well.

"Can you come over?" I cried, almost making no sense, but knowing that she understood anyway.

"I'll be right there." She said.

I hung up the phone and really let myself bawl. I had never been here before and I knew it wasn't a place I wanted to visit ever again. I had to get this over with. And maybe then I could heal.

TBC


	37. After the Rain

Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch or Blue Rodeo...again, I am using one of their early tunes, entitled "After the Rain". One of their best.

_**After the Rain - Chapter 37- A Little Piece of Heaven**_

_If I had my way_

_I would never go back_

_With my back to the wall_

_I just let myself fall_

_watch the days turn black_

_but now and again I find _

_you cross my mind_

_if I was a train_

_I would never slow down_

_with my head in the sky_

_and the world going by _

_every nowhere town_

_as I write one more letter to you_

_I know I can't change the things that I do_

_One day _

_you will discover_

_just why I ran_

_ran away from you lover_

_I know I"m to blame_

_I feel so ashamed_

_call out your name _

_after the rain_

_what do you want me to do_

_I've thrown away everything for you_

_I've wasted my dreams_

_each day it seems_

_I'm losing my way back to you_

_It's time for a change_

_what else can I do_

_with the clock ticking time_

_better make up my mind_

_is it me or is it you_

_tonight as I'm losing control_

_I will drink to the queen of my soul_

_One day you will discover_

_just why I ran_

_ran away from you lover_

_I know I'm to blame_

_I call out your name_

_after the rain_

After the rain is over you are left with a sense of cleanliness and freshness that I have always loved. My favorite time of day was after a good rain, when everything around you was squeaky clean and refreshed. It was as if the rain could wash away your sins and make you whole again.

Ever since I had moved in with Sasha I had felt a tremendous amount of guilt over what happened between Bosco and I. I had hurt him worse than anyone else ever had, an ironically, I was the one who was supposed to be protecting him.

I knew that I didn't deserve him and it was a good thing that I had left. This way, I couldn't hurt him anymore, or so I thought. I really believed that if I left and didn't try and talk to him or contact him that he would be able to move on and get past the horrible thing I had done. Getting pregnant by Jimmy wasn't the problem. It was that I didn't tell him right away and I had made him believe that he was the father. A million times I had thought about it, and cursed myself, knowing that if I had only told the truth, things would have been different.

And different they were. He no longer had my back. He wouldn't even look at me when we were in the same room. At first, I had thought about trying to speak to him, but he would never make eye contact and in the end, I just gave up. I don't think he ever saw me looking his way, but if he did he chose to ignore it. It was almost as if I didn't exist to him anymore.

Gone were the nights where he held me as I cried. Gone were the soothing words and understanding glances that only he could give. We communicated without words. We only had to look at each other to understand the way the other felt. I had never had that with anyone other than Bosco. And now he was gone.

Gone but not forgotten, in my books. Every thought that entered my head was directly related to him. I couldn't even watch tv or read a book or listen to the radio without the words somehow finding their way into my heart and my conscience. For the first week that I stayed with Sasha, I had cried every time a commercial came on about an engagement or a wedding. Anything having to do with love on any level made me turn into a basket case. It was within those first few days that Sasha learned about my pregnancy and she, in turn, told me about her abortion. I didn't agree with her decision, but I never said anything. I had said and done enough to hurt the people I cared about to last a lifetime. I wished that things had turned out differently.

Sasha and I became fast friends, each leaning on the other for support that only another female could understand. I knew she missed Ty and she loved him a lot, but she couldn't commit to a child. She cried over him ,too and in those two weeks we learned a lot about each other and we were both stronger because of it. He had moved out of their apartment as soon as she had the abortion and they had never spoken since. They were a lot like Bosco and I in the way that we still had to all work together and pretend that we didn't know one another. It was a hard time for all of us.

Then came the night when Bosco called me at four in the morning. Sasha was really ticked that he'd call that late, but she did get up and bring me the phone. I was sure that something had gone terribly wrong or that Bosco was really hurt. I knew as soon as I spoke to him that he was very drunk and upset.

I knew how big of a deal it was for him to call me and it knew that it had taken him drinking a lot of alcohol to be able to pick up that phone and let me know that he needed me. I was almost grateful for the fact that he had chosen to deal with it that way because it was a chance for me to see him again, even if he was going to tell me off. He needed closure and as much as it hurt me to know that he was going to be hurtful, I knew that I deserved it.

I loved him. It was simple and uncomplicated. I still loved him. Every part, every bone, every breath. He still had me and I would have rather died than given that up. I knew that it wasn't up to me anymore. I wanted him back and if he'd have me, I'd never hurt him again.

I hung up the phone that night feeling a little ray of hope peeking through the darkness. Everything else in my life be dammed. I was going to him and I was going to make him understand.

I had a secret that was burning at my heart. It made me lose sleep at night and it haunted my every waking moment. It was another one of the things I had could have told Bosco right away, but didn't. In my own defense, it was days after he had kicked me out and he wasn't talking to me, but I should have tried. Why was I always hurting him?

My Doctor had called me and told me that there had been a huge mistake in the calculation of my due date. At the time, I couldn't understand why he felt the need to tell me this, especially since I had already lost the baby and I was quite upset about it.

He proceeded to let me know, in the most apologetic way he could, that he had made a grave mistake. He had miscalculated the due date by almost a week. The news was shattering to me. I was outraged by the thought that all this was happening because of _seven lousy days_, albeit, days that concretely made one man a father and the other, nothing but a memory. Bosco had been the father of my child.

I had _ripped _out his heart and left him bleeding for _nothing_. I had _broken_ him and twisted all of his emotions only to find out that it had all been a _mistake._ How was I supposed to tell him now?

Like every lesson we learn, we usually learn it the hard way. I should have run over to his house the minute I found out the information. I should have begged him to listen to me but I didn't. I knew the real problem was the fact that I hadn't told him the truth right away. He would never trust me again, I was sure of that. But he needed to know the truth about this child. He needed to know that it was his flesh and blood.

It was pouring rain as I made my way toward his apartment. The kind of rain that is always depicted in old movies, the kind where the man shows up and gets the woman he loves. Romantic rain, I always called it. 02I showed up at his house not twenty minutes after we had hung up. The door was unlocked and I opened it and came in. He was in the livingroom, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. He was in a state that I had never seen before, even when Emily and Charlie had died. Now, he was just a mess.

He was wearing an old pair of gym pants that were cut into shorts with a blue tank top. At least he was comfortable, if nothing else. I knew he heard me come in, but he chose not to look at me.

I stood in the doorway surveying the scene around me. The place was a total mess. Dishes lying on the coffee table, littered with old napkins and lots of beer bottles. Some empty, some half full. Some even had cigarette butts in them. And I'd thought he'd quit smoking for good.

I walked over and sat down beside him. My heart was thumping so hard in my chest, I thought that it might very well come popping out and land on the table beside me. I pulled off my sweater and sat it on the couch beside me. He still didn't look up at me and I began to wonder if he had really wanted me here at all.

"Bosco...I'm here." I said reaching out to touch his arm. I stopped mid-way, not knowing if he wanted me to touch him or not and drew my hand back and set it on my lap.

He looked over at me. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks tear stained. I knew he was at the bottom of his proverbial barrel.

"Bos. Please talk to me. Are you ok?" I said softly.

"Do I look ok"?

"Do you want me to answer that?" I asked, lightheartedly.

He narrowed his eyes at me before speaking. "You think this is a joke?" He asked, irritated.

I shook my head. "NO. Not at all. I'm just....trying....I....don't know what you need me to do....please talk to me." I said lamely. I turned to face him, hoping he would see the sincerity in my face.

"Tell me what you need."

He swallowed and looked around the room before answering. "I need......I need......you to tell me why you did what you did. I can't move on. I can't stop thinking about it.......I can't.....I just.....can't.' He struggled to put into words what he was feeling. He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated with himself and most of all, me.

"Bosco, I tried to tell you before. I am so sorry. So sorry that I would do anything to make it up to you....please tell me what you need me to do." I begged.

He looked at me again with that same anger he had felt two weeks ago. " How could you lie to me? To me? I'm....was...your best friend and you ruined everything. You ruined everything that was important to me...and after everything I've done for you....how could you? You are....were everything to me, Faith. And now I know that I can't go back. I can't move on until I get some answers from you."

It hurt me to hear him correct himself. He had detached himself and didn't plan on letting me hurt him again. It killed me to know that I was the cause of so much pain.

I couldn't stop myself from crying. I stood up and began to pace around the room. For the first time since all of this had happened, I felt myself begin to get angry back at him. I had never had the chance to really talk to him about what had happened and it made me angry that he hadn't allowed me. I wasn't perfect and I wanted that time to be able to speak.

"You wouldn't let me talk to you. You were out drinking with Ty the night I found out. You didn't give me a chance to tell you how it happened. It's not an excuse...I know, but you wouldn't let me speak.....I was still upset and spinning from Emily and Charlie.....and you didn't even give me the chance to explain..you just threw me out without a second thought." I cried out, oblivious now to the fact that I wasn't really helping him at the moment. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. I wanted my turn to speak, to be heard. Even though I had come here to help him, I couldn't resist the need to help myself, too.

He opened his mouth to say something and I pointed at him. "Bosco, I love you and I will do anything to keep you in my life. Anything. But you need to know how much it hurt to have you throw me out like that! Did you really think that it was an easy thing for me to tell you?" I demanded.

I knew that it was probably the wrong way to go about the conversation, but I was starting to feel the need to let him know just how much he had hurt me, too. It wasn't helping the situation for me to be argumentative but he had to hear me out.

"Faith, you lied to me! How could you let me think that I was the father when I wasn't? Do you have any idea what that did to me? Any idea?" He yelled.

He didn't wait for me to answer. He stood up and faced me, his index finger poking into his chest for emphasis. "It _killed_ me. _Killed_ me to hear you say it. _Killed _me to know that you lied to me." He shouted.

Obviously, he had called me over to make me feel bad. And bad I felt.

"Bosco! Do you know how it killed me too? Do you know how sick I was inside? How much I wanted to tell you? But you were so excited, I didn't know how to tell you and....."

"Didn't know how to tell me? You could have tried telling me that Jimmy was the father instead of letting me think that....."

"Tell you? When,_ exactly_, did you give me the chance?" I shouted back.

"When? When could you _not _tell me?"

"I was trying to find the words..."

"Well, you sure found them. Only, it was too late." He spit at me. His words like bullets. Ripping into my tender flesh, making their mark.

I bowed my head and closed my eyes. I had expected his anger. I knew I deserved every bit of it, and I knew that the whole point of my coming over was to let him vent. But that didn't mean that every word he spat at me didn't hurt just the same.

A thick silence engulfed us, each trying to find the words to let the other know just how hurt we were. The only sound in the whole apartment was the clock ticking on the wall. Tick, tick, tick, went the hands of time, reminding me that the worst part of this conversation was still to come. I listened to the sound of the rain pounding against the windows, like tears streaking down my broken heart.

He finally sat down on the couch and opened another beer. To my surprise he offered me a beer as well. I reached out and took it, grateful for the gesture. It meant something if he hadn't asked me to leave yet and I realized in that moment that he was letting me, without words, that he still needed me. He still missed me and I knew I had to take the opportunity to tell him what I had learned.

I sat down beside him and twisted the cap off and set it on the coffee table beside me. I took a long drink and then wiped my mouth with my sleeve.

"Bosco, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it." I started.

He furrowed his brow and shot me a dirty look. "What now?"

I cleared my throat and took another drink. "The doctor called me a few days after I moved out and told me that he had my due date wrong. He said that he was wrong by a week." I said slowly, hoping the realization would sink in before I had to say the words out loud.

"So? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that it was your baby. He didn't calculate the days correctly."

"What?"

"It means..."

"It was mine?"

"Yes."

"It was mine? Mine and yours"? He croaked out. The corners of his mouth started to turn down again and he fought it with everything he had to keep it together.

"Yes."

"And you didn't tell me? Again, you didn't tell me".

It was a simple statement. He said it quietly, almost inaudibly, so I had to lean forward in order to hear him.

"You wouldn't talk to me. How could I talk to you when you wouldn't even look at me?" I cried.

"I can't do this."

"What? Can't do what?" I asked

"I can't do this anymore." He stated.

"Do what?"

"This...with you....I can't do this." He fought to keep the sobs from emanating through his body and failed. Alcohol usually didn't have this effect on him, but when he was emotionally broken he couldn't control it.

"Can't talk to me?"

"I can't deal with this. I can't.........It hurts too much, Faith. I'm so angry at you...but I can't live without you, either. I can't keep living like this and it's killing me. Make it stop...please just make it stop...make it stop" He begged.

"I know. I know. It will get better. I promise." I said, the tears welling up in my eyes to match his. I took a chance and held out my arms to him. He scooted over beside me and accepted my embrace.

We cried for a long time, me asking him to forgive me and him asking me to take his pain away. I don't know how long we stayed like that, but as the sun was coming up over New York City and the rain ceased, we fell asleep in each other's arms, both wondering the same thing; Could we move on after the rain?


	38. Surrendered

**A Little Piece of Heaven Chapter 38**

_Everyone tells me I'm lucky_

_Got my whole life to live yet_

_Can't say they're wrong_

_but the days seem so long_

_living in side of my head_

_Maybe I'll get some relief now_

_Now that your things are all gone_

_I won't sit here staring at _

_nothing all night_

_bleary eyed greeting the dawn_

_Alright I miss you tonight_

_And I'm not really sure what to say_

_It keeps rolling in _

_Like a slow moving train_

_It's gets harder and harder each day_

_Each time that I think the worst of it's through_

_I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you_

_Alright I miss you tonight _

_I admit that I'm falling down blue_

_She lived outside of the city_

_Days when I'd visit her there_

_I'd watch her out dancing all lit by the moon_

_The cold winds of time in her hair_

_Then we'd go driving for hours_

_Turn off the lights and just glide_

_Moving like spirits _

_Along through the night_

_The light through the trees as our guide_

_Alright I miss you tonight_

_And I'm not really sure what to say_

_It keeps rolling in _

_Like a slow moving train_

_It's gets harder and harder each day_

_Each time that I think the worst of it's through_

_I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you_

_Alright I miss you tonight _

_I admit that I'm falling down blue_

I woke up the next morning and felt totally alive in a way that I never had before. Faith and I had weathered the storm and found ourselves on new ground. We had stayed up for the rest of the night talking about what had happened between us and how we would carry on.

I felt a lot better, knowing that it was my child that she had been carrying. I know it might sound insensitive, but the very thought that she had been carrying another man's child made me want to lose my mind. It wasn't just the fact that she had lied to me and not told me sooner. It was the very thought that Jimmy Dorhety would get to be the father of her child when it should have been me. I didn't want to have to deal with him for the rest of my life, and I knew that if he and Faith had a child together that he would be in our lives permanently. Not to mention that he was having a baby with Sarah and the last thing either of them needed was another child in the wings.

I was broken hearted that Faith had lost the baby but was buoyed by the thought that someday we could try again.

Truthfully, when I had called her to come over it was only because I wanted her to know how bad I felt and I wanted her to feel the same hurt that was consuming my every breath. My very existence without her was nil. But when I saw her, it was as if time had replenished me and made me realize what I had thrown away. Oh, I had been angry, alright, but that other side of me, the one that just couldn't live without her, betrayed my anger and accepted her apology.

It was within that phone call to her that I realized that no matter how angry I was or how hurt, she was the best part of me. She helped me become the man I should have been and she loved me for who I was, in spite of my flaws.

The trust issue was going to be a little harder. Faith had only lied to me a couple of times before, one being her cancer and the other, the fling with Jimmy. She tended to keep those very important things under her hat and only brought them out when necessary. I knew she told me about the baby's parentage because she felt guilty, and for that I was grateful. She didn't have to tell me. She could have made think that the baby was really mine and for the sake of a week it really wouldn't have mattered and I would have never questioned her.

She knew that she would lose me by telling me the truth, and yet, she did it anyway. I realized that next morning that she was the only woman I could ever truly love. It scared me and yet, it made me feel complete in a way that I'd only heard other chicks talk about. It was true, what they say, that the only thing in this world that can make you lose yourself in a brilliant and fresh way was love. It had claimed me, the best and the worst parts of me, and made me its captive. It's slave. There was no going back now. No second guessing or wondering if I was making the right decision.

Everyone on earth just wants a little piece of heaven. Just a small token, nothing out of the ordinary, to let us human beings know that there is more to life than just living. We all want that promise of love, of a better life or acceptance. It makes us get up in the morning and it puts us to sleep at night; the promise of a new day and all that life can bring. I knew that Faith was my little piece of life; the reason I got up in the morning and why I was still alive and functioning. Without her to guide me, to love and protect me, I was not even a man anymore. Just a lost spirit drifting along in the game of life, waiting for the next to start.

It surprises even me that I would have the depth and the intelligence to think of life this way. The truth was that I have always been a book smart guy but I never had the confidence to show it. I always got off on talking tough and being a pain in the ass. It never occurred to me that I could let that side of me show. Not only would everyone have laughed at me, I would have to start acting like I really cared and I didn't want to do that. Faith was the only one who protruded through those walls.

That morning, as we were laying in my bed, I entwined her hand with mine. It awed me to know that this small symbol, this intertwining of our fingers had a connection so strong; clasped together and holding tight, we would brave the light of a new day. Each baptized in the truth that comes from knowing you have the world because you have love and not the other way around. I felt compelled to make her know how I felt. To let her know how special she was to me. We made love as we never had before. It was so powerful, I almost didn't think it had happened at all. I had never known what the touch of a woman could do to a man, especially when he was in love with her, before Faith. She could drive me crazy in a way that I can only describe as insanity. She made me feel like I would die if I didn't have her soon. Have her completely and fully. I had never felt so alive or primal. It was as if I were an animal and I had to hunt and capture her in order to survive. She made me into a real man. Surrendering and giving up control of your own body are key in a relationship if you want to experience the kind of ecstasy that I felt with this woman.

As she snuggled her warm body into mine, I let my mind take everything in; The way she smelled, her hair, and the way she felt as I held her tight. It made me feel like I had just won the lottery. I didn't care what we did next. I didn't care where we went or who we saw. I knew that as long as she was by my side, that we could take anything.

It felt good to confess to her that I couldn't live without her. That I could hardly breath without her. And if I had to get down on my knees and look up into her face to tell her, or shout it from the roof tops, I would.

All morning, as we dozed on and off, I considered exactly how I could ensure that she never left me again. It was obvious, as we lay there, that the only thing I hadn't done yet, was ask her to marry me. I knew it was time to ask her the question; But would I get the answer I expected?


	39. I will

In a moment your life can change. People die, people are born; and the one thing that we can always believe in and expect is change. It wouldn't be real life if it didn't.

I have to say that it was surprising, to say the least, that Bosco and I had made up and became one again. I knew that I wanted him back, but I didn't think that it would happen as quickly as it did. I felt my heart soar, and knew that I had been lifted back to the place from where I had come.

We had done a lot of talking and crying that night and it almost seemed as if it had to happen in order to take us to the place that we needed to be. It was a release of the mind and soul to be as candid as we were and I felt refreshed and whole again.

I had confessed everything to him. The way I had been feeling, for and during, all the weeks that had passed since Emily and Charlie's death. I had begged forgiveness and felt the comfort that engulfs you when you know your sins have been forgiven. It still amazed me that someone could love me so much, and that the love could overcome all of the pain that had been dealt. I realized that next morning that I found the kind of love that was spoken about in books and magazines. The kind of love that carried on through the ages and that would continue until my dying days.

He had confessed to me, too. He told me that he couldn't live without me and it made me feel good. It made me feel like there was no other place on this planet that I would rather be. He told me about the last two weeks and how he had been drinking every night and waking up every day with tear stains on his pillow. I hadn't realized how much he had missed me and just how deep his pain had been. I laughed when he told me about his conversations with Gussler and how he had made him promise not to tell that he was wondering about me and how I was doing.

He talked about losing the baby and how it had made him realize how much he wanted a family. A family with _me_. He wanted to be a father and he wanted no other woman to bear his children but me. I wondered how I could have ever thought that he wouldn't want a child. I guess it was because he never had the chance to discuss it with me. After all, it was the very night that we confessed our love for each other that my children were killed. After that, he was taking care of me full time and putting himself on the back burner. It still hurt me to know how much he had given up for me but it also awed me to realize how deep his affections were.

That morning, we were lying in bed, hands entwined, just holding each other after we had made love. There was no other man in this world that could make me feel the way he did. It was a _need._ _Demanding. Hot_. A need that could not be satisfied until he had taken me again. In the aftermath of our passion, I realized that if we were ever parted again, I would consider death a blessing if I couldn't be with him. And it scared me.

We dozed on and off until about lunch time. I really didn't want to get out of bed but I knew that we had to or risk losing another day's pay. I looked over at him as he lay asleep, basking in the glow of his radiance. I know it sounds silly to describe him that way, but it was true. He had never looked so peaceful or content. His handsome face relaxed and his breathing deep. He was gorgeous, awake or asleep, but with a quality of virile sharpness. His whole body radiated with sensuality and strength. His hair a mess, his day-old growth on his face. He looked dangerous and yet, he looked sweet and perplexing. All I knew was that I loved him more and more each day.

My stomach did flip-flops as I watched him, thinking about the way only he could make me feel. It almost made me blush to think about the things he did to me and I to him. He had awakened in me, something that I never had with Fred. A pure, sensual awareness and need to be love and be loved.

I leaned over and ran my hand over his smooth torso, relishing the feel of his skin on mine. Leaning in toward him I placed a kiss on his cheek. A gesture I knew he loved. His eyes fluttered open and he grinned at me.

"Hi there."

"Hi yourself."

"What time is it?"

"About time to get up and get ready for work." I said.

He growled in protest and wrapped his arm around me, bringing me down to him so he could kiss me on the lips. "Let's call in."

I pulled back from him and pushed my hair off of my face. "I'd love to, but I can't afford to take another day off of work and you probably can't either".

He placed his hand on the back of my neck, pushing me down to him again and kissed me deeply. Only when I needed oxygen did I pull back. I loved kissing him.

He began to kiss my neck, nibbling and then a little harder, making me want him again. I felt myself fall as I surrendered to his need, which, had become mine as well. I kissed him harder and longer until I knew that if _one_ of us didn't exit the bed that _neither_ of us would and we'd be late for work..

He groaned as I pulled myself away and pushed back the covers. "Awww....Faith, don't go." He whined as he reached out his hand to me.

I grinned as I slid out of the bed and looked back at him. "We have to get up. Come on. We have lots of time to do this after work. And I hope that we don't ever stop doing what we're doing." I said, pointedly, hoping that he knew that I never wanted to let him go again.

"Come here a sec."

"Bos. We have to get up....

"Faith. Come here." He said.

I turned around and sat back down on the edge of the bed. He rolled over until he was close to me and sat up. Taking my face between his hands, he looked at me solemnly. "I never want us to be apart ever again. I love you and I won't live without you. I want .....I want us to be permanent. Forever permanent." He said, not taking his eyes off of me.

My heart flip-flopped, realizing what he was taking about. He wanted us to be together forever.

"I love you, too. And I promise you that we won't ever be apart again. Not if you don't want to." I said as tears welled up in my eyes.

He leaned in and kissed me, cementing his words, making me feel so loved and cherished.

When he pulled back and I had opened my eyes I saw his love for me shining brighter than the brightest star. I was so moved by him, so floored by his devotion to me that I opened my mouth and nothing came out.

I sniffed and felt myself losing control of my emotions. I welled up, wanting to speak, but not knowing how to fully express how much he meant to me. This was the most tender moment of my life. Love, pure and uninhibited, coursing through my veins. If you've never expressed it, you are at a loss.

"Marry me."

I exhaled the breath I had unconsciously holding. "What?"

"Marry me. Marry me now. Tomorrow. Whenever. Just say you will." He pleaded with so much sincerity, I felt completely awed.

In that one second, I decided to take that leap. I decided to permanently bind myself to him and him to me. I knew it was right and there wasn't one thing in the world that could have told me otherwise.

"_Yes_, I will marry you! I will marry you right now if you want me to. I love you so much. I would be honored to be your wife." I gushed as I threw my arms around his neck.

It was me who kissed him then. With every ounce of love passion I could muster. We ended up being late for work anyway, but I didn't care. I was getting married and this time I knew that it would be forever.

But, like most things in life, there is a cost. Nothing comes for free. I wish had known then what I know now.

TBC


	40. Too Little Too Late

Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch...please don't sue me. However, did you all see that episode on Friday night? I was practically freaking out in my living room! I totally thought that Faith was gonna blame it on Cruz...but our Faith, is always doing the right thing, isn't she? Oh, I can't wait until next week. Does anybody want to take bets on what's gonna happen? I totally hope that she and Bosco are gonna get together! Hopefully, some of the TW writers have read our stories and know that we want Bosco and Faith together! TOGETHER! On to the story. Thanks for reviewing all the time. It sure makes me want to write better! Love you guys!

A Little Piece of Heaven

After being late for work, Faith and I both got a reprimand from Lieu. He tried hard to sound stern but I could tell that he was pleased to see us back together. Usually, the Precinct didn't want to see its Officers in a relationship, but in our case it always seemed to slide. Swersky had told me one time that Faith was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I agreed with him one hundred percent.

It seemed that I had the world by the tail. I had Faith back in my arms, a job that I loved and friends that I could count on. Both Sasha and Ty had become good friends to us. Friends that would last a lifetime. It was too bad that they had broken up or we could have gone out and done things together. I had hopes for the two of them getting back together, but when I mentioned it to Ty he didn't want to discuss it. I knew that Faith still talked to Sasha about it sometimes but she never told me what was said. It was a girl thing and I knew better than to pry. Still, I was getting accustomed to thinking more like a couple instead of a single person. Now that we were getting married I knew that I wouldn't ever be thinking like a single guy again.

The funny thing was that I wasn't scared of making that commitment. As a matter of fact, I was really looking forward to slipping that ring on Faith's finger and making her my wife. I was already thinking about where I'd take her on our honeymoon. I hoped that she'd get some kind of sexy outfit for our wedding night. She looked fantastic in black. As a mental note to myself I decided to buy her something myself just for the occasion.

We had already talked about asking Ty and Sasha to stand up for us as best man and maid of honor. I had my doubts as to whether or not we'd get both of them, given the circumstances, but we decided to ask them anyway. We were thinking of having a small wedding, nothing too fancy and we wanted it soon. It felt good to have something other than death and sadness to concentrate on.

We had gotten back to our regular routine pretty fast, considering all that had happened. But from that day on, we had gone about our lives together with a new zest. Everything seemed better, the world brighter and I felt that both of us were happier than we'd ever been. Faith still had times that she would regress and get into a depression over Emily and Charlie but that was to be expected. I knew that our wedding day would be mixed with joy and sorrow. Emily and Charlie should have been at our wedding. They should have been allowed to partake in our day of love, which would have been a new beginning for all of us. It was going to be hard to walk down that isle and look at the place where they should have been sitting and know that it was Fred that had put them in the ground. But I loved Faith so much that I vowed in my heart to make her as happy as humanly possible.

It was fall and with each new color of the leaves I felt myself feeling that our lives were going to change. It was a feeling of hope and renewal. The red, orange, and gold leaves a symbol of time and of love eternal. The trees, especially, reminded me that no matter how much I changed or how much she changed, we would always be together. Changing each other into something new and exciting. I kept all of the poetic notions to myself. Although, Faith knew how much I loved the fall and suggested that we go on nature walks through Central Park and other places. Feeling the crunching of the leaves beneath our feet and feeling the cool air on our faces brought me to a wonderful place. I felt at home with her. Like there was nothing that could tear us apart.

The fall always reminded me of my brother and how we would rake up all of the leaves we could find and jump into them, letting the sweet smell of nature into our nostrils as we rolled around, laughing and giggling. When Faith and I would walk through the forest, I would always be reminded of Mikey and how he used to make me laugh. Time had passed and our relationship had changed into one of brothers who didn't even know each other. I missed him and most of all, I knew that I had to die knowing that I could have done more for him and I hadn't. Still, the days of fall held me in her hand, urging me forth, on to a new life.

It was Faith's idea for us to have our wedding on December 31st. She had always wanted a New Years Eve wedding and I agreed that it was kind of romantic. The winter in New York was always beautiful with it's trees all lit up and the snow falling gracefully on it's sleepy city, making us feel bad for grumbling about the cold weather. It seemed to fit, us getting married at the very beginning of the new year. I had to admit that I was really excited about it.

So, here we were, at the end of October and planning the rest of our lives. I wasn't sure how Faith was going to feel about it, but I had decided on taking her to Boca Ratan for our honeymoon. I had thought for a long time about it and really wanted her to know how much I cared. I cashed in some savings bonds that I had had for about five years. It covered all of the expenses, and the best part was that she didn't even know I had done it. As far as she new, we were going to have to save every penny to cover the cost of the actual wedding. My ma had offered for us to have our reception at her bar, which we accepted. Faith and my ma had always got along really well, and ever since we had got back together they had become thicker than thieves. It made me happy, though. Faith didn't get along with her parents at all and I think that she kind of saw my ma as the mother she never had. I knew it made my ma happy, too, because she always favored Faith over any other girl I had ever dated.

The first few weeks of November went well. Sasha and Ty had both agreed to stand up for us and Sasha had turned out to be a god-send to Faith. She had thrown herself into the preparations and was now Faith's right-hand-woman. She and Faith called each other at least four or five times a day, that was including all of the time they spent clustered together at work in the locker room. There wasn't a moment that they weren't comparing swatches of this and that. I was glad that Sasha was around to do all of the things that I wasn't interested in. What did I know about swatches?

There wasn't even one part of my day that didn't deal with flowers, colors or the wedding dress itself, other than our job as Police Officers, and for that, I was grateful. We had stopped eating our evening meal together as well. Faith and Sasha had decided that they just didn't have enough time to go over things, so the only logical solution was for me to drop her off at Haggerty's to meet Sasha for supper when they could both get away.

The first time that we 'met' Sasha for supper, I actually thought that my input was needed. After all, I was the husband-to-be and I had a right to give my opinion, didn't I? Wrong.

We entered the restaurant and went to the back where Sasha was waiting for us. At first, I didn't even recognize her, for all of the fabric and flowers and candles that were sitting on our table. It looked like she had broken into a wedding shop and grabbed whatever she could, as fast as she could, and came directly to Haggerty's. I groaned audibly, earning an elbow in the stomach from my betrothed.

"The least you could do is _pretend_ to be excited." The love of my life growled at me before taking a seat at the table.

"I am excited. I am _so_ excited I can hardly breathe." I said in an overly dramatic way.

That earned me an eye roll from the Maid of Honor.

"I can't believe that you got all of this stuff so fast. You're a genius, Sash!" Faith gushed, while picking up some of the candles and smelling them.

Sasha grinned and pulled up a briefcase from underneath the table, proudly setting in front of where my place mat was.

"And, there's more swatches in here so we don't have to go back to Cassley's to see if it all matches."

"I knew there was a reason I asked you to be my Maid of Honor!"

"Ummm. Swatches. Mind if I move this a bit so I can order some food?" I asked, really just wanting to order a big burger and fries.

"Bosco. You need to look at these and tell me what you think." Faith lectured me, opening the case up and pulling out two small pieces of fabric. "Now. Do you like the rose? Or would you rather the plum?" She asked me, in all seriousness. I stiffled a laugh.

"You want to know what one I like"?

Her head bobbed up and down. She reminded me of the big bad wolf. One wrong answer and she would eat me for dinner. I know I should not have found it amusing, but I did.

I put my finger to my lips and pretended to look at the fabric as if it fascinated me.

"Well, given the texture of this particular piece of cloth, and the blatantly ugly color of the other; I would say neither. _And I would say that I am hungry and I want to eat_." I said, as I ran my hand over the swatch.

"Oh, shut up!" My bride-to-be hissed at me as she snatched her precious swatches from my grasp.

"You're such a baby." Sasha said, rolling her eyes.

"You're such a baby". I mimicked back to her. I was hungry. I didn't want to look at fabric and candles and all of that crap.

"Bosco. Why don't you just eat your dinner at the bar? That way we can get some stuff done and you can stop bothering us." Faith said, pointing toward the front of the room.

I had been dismissed. Huffing, I stood up from my seat and stuck my tongue out at Sasha, while reaching out for one of the candles. Sasha saw me and grabbed it and opened the briefcase and set it inside.

"No preschoolers allowed." She said as she smirked at me.

I opened my mouth to speak when Faith pointed to the bar again. " Now, Bosco!" She ordered.

"Fine. I don't care about your stupid stuff anyway. I"m gonna go get a burger." I whined.

I heard the trail of their laughter behind me as I made my way to the front of Haggerty's. I ordered myself a cheeseburger platter and a big coke to drink.

I looked back at them, listening to their laughter and excitement. I shook my head as I heard Sasha say the word 'honeymoon'. Then, another round of laughter.

A man beside me leaned forward as I stared to eat my dinner.

"You gettin'married?"

"Yup." I said, as I bit into my burger.

"How soon?"

"About six weeks."

"You know it never ends, don't you? The giggling and laughing and the ordering you around?"

"Ya. I'm startin'to notice that." I said.

He stood up to pay his tab and patted me on the back. "Good luck to ya. I hope you got a strong heart." He laughed.

"The strongest." I said, grinning back at him.

I took a look back at Faith and laughed out loud. "The strongest." I said to myself. "The strongest."

That was the one and only time I had been invited to go over wedding materials with them. To tell you the truth, it was just fine with me.

Oh, it seemed that nothing could get in our way. We were both working steady, both back in 55- David, working together side-by-side every day. No one could understand how we could do that, spend all of that time together and not get sick of each other. I would just grin to myself, knowing that no one had what we had. It made me feel great. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm no picnic to work with, or that's what everyone else says, but when I was with Faith, I just became a better man.

I should have known that something would happen to burst our bubble. That we could never go very far without some downfall to knock us over. I don't know why I didn't see it coming, it's not like she was always healthy and we never expected it. I guess we thought that it wouldn't happen again.

I look back now and realize that no one is ever far from death. We try and outrun it every chance we get and still seem surprised when it knocks on our door and takes us by the hand. We had seen so much of it and yet we never seemed to understand that it is always waiting to turn us back to dust.

Death is a lonely soul, feeding on those who are too weak and sick to stop him. He wants us all and will patiently wait until the time comes when he can carry us away. Like a noose tied tightly around our necks, he squeezes until our life has been snuffed out and he is all we have left to cling to.

I can only imagine her fright on that day, when they told her she was really sick this time. How her heart must have jumped in her chest and her eyes fill with tears, because she would have known that this was the last stop. She would have gone home and shut out all the lights, locking herself away from everyone who loved her.

It would be weeks before she told anyone what was going on. Weeks that I could have used to let her know how much I loved her. Weeks that could have been spent together, spending each precious moment just getting in some more time before the curtain fell.

I wish I could say that I wasn't angry at her for leaving me. I wish that I had known what she was going through and most of all, I wished that I had taken the time to see that she was getting sick again.

It was the end of November when she finally told me that the cancer was back. She took me into the back room of the bar, avoiding my eyes, making me realize that she had something on her mind.

She poured a shot for me and two for her. As I gulped that shot down, I knew I was about to hear something that I wouldn't like. And for years after, I still thought about this day and how it was one of the last conversations I ever had with my mother.

My ma had a bout with Cancer when I was twenty. It had gone into remission and we thought that after this long that there wasn't a chance of it returning. We were wrong.

As I sat there, that fateful day, and listened to her tell me that she only had a matter of weeks to live, I felt all of the anger that had been inside of me when Emily and Charlie had died, return.

I yelled at her. I cried. I couldn't believe that she hadn't told us sooner. Now it was only a matter of weeks. She probably wouldn't even live to see me get married.

I threw my shot glass to the floor and ran out of the bar. I left her standing there, tears blurring her vision. How much longer would it be until things stopped happening to us?

I ran until my side ached and was filled with pain. I came to stop, not knowing where I had run to. In my blur, I hadn't looked where I was going. I closed my eyes, while trying to catch my breath. I had so many questions about life and prayed to God that he would give her more time.

I pleaded with him to give me a sign. A sign I got, for when I opened my eyes and looked around, I saw that I was standing in front of a funeral parlor.

TBC


	41. Everybody Cries

st about fifteen pounds in three weeks and he was more irritable than usual. Everything was wrong for my love; every word, every breath, every gesture. Like before, he took his anger out on the scum bags that rule our streets and made it his personal mission to take in as many drug dealers and abusers as he could. I knew what was going on: He was doing everything he could to take his mind off of Rose. He was filling his days with anger and bitterness, surrounding himself with people that he could do something about. I think it was his way of trying to make up for everything he thought he had done wrong. He blamed himself for her cancer and her misery, as he had always done in the past. He had a way of always blaming himself for everything that went wrong.

The days dragged on and we watched Rose dying a little more each time we went to visit her. No longer vivacious and care-free, the once raving beauty became a mass of skin and bones. Her face gray and ashen, as the cancer ravaged through her weak system. She lied in bed all day now, as she was too weak to even sit up in a wheel chair that Bosco had brought her from the hospital. Mostly, she looked at old photographs of the four of them, wishing that Bosco's dad would come and see her. He never did.

She would spend hours pouring over photos of Bosco and Mikey when they were kids. She talked incessantly about how sorry she was that she had failed both of them. Bosco couldn't take it, and always left the room, claiming that he needed some air. As I watched them from the sidelines, I couldn't help but feel a little resentful of Rose for not telling us sooner. She had shaved weeks off our time with her. Weeks that could have been spent together. And although I did understand, I still couldn't help feeling that life was still cheating us all. We never had the chance to recover from one thing before another was falling on our laps.

I tried to comfort Bosco as much as I could, but for now, he was still trying to be strong. He could accept a hug and kiss, but would shrug out of it as soon as his lips touched mine. He didn't want to be close to anyone at that point in time, but I knew that the branch was about to break and he was going to take a desperate fall.

During her last couple of weeks we just stayed at her place full time. Afraid that if we went home, we would get a call from the nurse. Bosco wanted to be there when she took her last breath. He wanted to be holding her hand, telling her that she was going to a better place and that we would always love her. Her struggle was almost over.

It hurt all of us to see what she had become. A once beautiful woman, was now decaying in front of our eyes. She had never complained about the things that her husband had done to her. She had covered up black eyes and dark bruises, never once thinking that she had deserved anything else. She was a woman of her word. A classic debutante among woman. Strong and full of spit-fire for anyone who dared speak negatively about either of her sons.

She had endured years of abuse from an alcoholic husband who used her as a door-mat, a dishwasher, a sex object and a slave and yet, she could still see the beauty in the colors of the fall or the way the sky looked after a storm. I admired her strength and grieved for her painful memories that would no doubt follow her into the hereafter.

Every day, Bosco would ask her if she wanted her hair done or her makeup put on. She always did, and I would volunteer to try and make her as beautiful as she had been. She would always be beautiful to me, and it pained me, as I took the brush though her once lively head of hair and brushed back the now pitifully thin strands, to know that the end was near.

On this day, Bosco was doing a day shift and I was going in at night, so one of us could be with her at all times. I sat beside her bed reading a magazine when she opened her eyes and held out her bony hand to me.

Alarmed, I scooted over next to her and took her hand. I brushed the hair out of her face that had fallen into her eyes and caressed her cheek with my palm.

"Rose, honey, what's wrong?"

She looked up at me, tears in her blue eyes, pleading without words, but with her heart for me to come near.

"Do you want some water?" I asked. She shook her head and tried to swallow.

"Thank....you." She whispered.

I felt my own eyes tear over, and a lump lodge itself in my throat. Here she was, dying and yet, she was thanking me for something.

"You don't have to thank me for anything, Rose..."

"I...do......you are the best...thing....that Maurice has....ever had......I love ....you...for...it." She managed to say.

The tears no longer could be held, and not wanting to upset her, I turned away and brushed them from my face.

I turned back to her, this woman that I had grown to love in the past ten years, and took her hand again and squeezed it tight.

"I love you, too. Thank you for giving Maurice to me. I promise I will always stand by him." I vowed to her.

"I...wanted...to...be...at...your...wedding....I'm sorry...I...have....to.....miss....it....".

I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned over and kissed her pale cheek and gathered her into a fragile hug.

When I could no longer control my own emotions, I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

I carefully shut the door and went to sit down on the tub. I looked around the small room, gazing at the wall. The room was done in her favorite color. Rose. Everything in the room was immaculately done, right down to the matching towels and face cloths. I don't know why it upset me so much to be in that room, but it did.

I found myself sinking down on my knees and really starting to bawl. It started out slow and gradually moved to intense sobs that wracked through my body and left me feeling weak. I hadn't realized how much I was going to miss her and I wasn't sure how much longer that Bosco or I could hold on. This pain was becoming to much and with every day that passed, we were sure it was her last. It was a constant state of nervousness, compounded with the realization that every breath could be her last.

There was a light knock on the door and then another. I quickly got up off of the floor and wiped my face on a towel.

"Come in." I said, trying to make my voice sound normal.

I turned on the taps and splashed my face with cold water as the door opened and Bosco walked in.

"You're not ready for work?" He asked in a soft tone.

He gazed at me in the mirror and saw how red my face was and the tear stains that still lined my cheeks. He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist, squeezing me tight.

"She have a bad day?"

I shook my head, not trusting my voice, and tried to keep myself in check. The last thing I wanted to do was upset him by seeing me cry.

I turned to him and buried my head in his strong shoulder. He held me, and it seemed to me that his own strength reserve was getting pretty low. He needed to recharge or at least talk about how he was feeling. He let go of me, soon after, as if he couldn't trust himself to be in an embrace, for fear he would break down.

He cleared his throat and glanced around. "Well. You should get goin; I guess."

"Bosco. I think we should cancel the wedding." I said, as I smoothed my hair back out of my face.

"Cancel the wedding? Why?" He asked, confusion written all over his face as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"No. I mean cancel the wedding date on the 31st. I think we should get married here. I think we should do it soon. Your mother needs to be there." I said.

Tears sprang into his eyes immediately at what I was implying. He turned around and headed for the bathroom door, ignoring what I had said.

I stepped forward and grabbed his hand. "Bosco. She told me that she wants to be there. If we don't do it soon, than she won't have the chance." I pleaded.

I tugged his hand until he turned around. I could tell that he was about to break. He didn't want to show his pain and heartache to me. He was wounded and he wanted to forget about what was happening and push it aside, but I feared if he didn't listen to me, that it would be too late and he would never forgive himself for it.

His face was red, his eyes were wattery and he was biting down on his lower lip ferociously. He swallowed and shook his head, trying to deny it.

"She'll be there on the 31st. You'll see. She'll be there if we have to get an ambulance to take her."

I put my hand on his cheek and made him look into my eyes. I needed him to understand.

"Bos, do you want her at our wedding?" I asked as gently as I could.

"Of course! What kind of question is that...I...."

"Bosco, we need to do now....like tomorrow or the next day. She...doesn't....have...time."

He took in what I said and nodded his head. "Ok. How should we do this?" He asked, defeated.

"I'll take care of it when I see Sasha and Ty tonight. We can pick up our tuxes and my dress tomorrow. I just think we should do this for her."

He cringed and looked at me. "You'd really have your wedding here, under these circumstances? That's really not what you had planned. You wanted the whole romantic wedding this time, with the flowers and the church and the limo....this isn't that."

I stepped up to him, and wrapped my arms around him, hoping that he would understand how much I loved him. "I don't care about any of that. I want to marry you and I can't think of a better gift to give your mother than this. I love you and it doesn't matter _where_ I marry you as long as I marry you."

He finally accepted my hug and held me tight. I felt him slipping until I was sure that he was going to surrender his emotions and let it all out, but he didn't.

He wiped his eyes and mumbled 'thank you' and went in to check on Rose.

I gathered up my things and got into my uniform. Before I left, I went back upstairs to say goodbye.

I opened the door to Rose's room and peeked in.

The sight before me pricked my heart like a needle popping a balloon. Bosco was curled up in bed with his mother, stroking her hair and softly singing a song that she had sung to him when he was a boy.

His tenderness and love evident as he sang to her. She held on to his hand, as if for dear life as she slipped into sleep once again. I realized at that moment that he was saving his grief until after she was gone. As long as she was still breathing, she was still there and that's all that mattered to him. I wiped at my eyes again, and closed the door.

All the way to work I could hear his strained voice croaking out that beautiful song.

_Hush little baby_

_don't say a word_

_momma's gonna buy you a mocking bird_

_If that mocking bird won't sing_

_momma's gonna buy you a diamond ring........._


	42. Bulletproof

A Little Piece of Heaven- Chapter 42

Disclaimer: I don't own Third Watch or Blue Rodeo or Jim Cuddy.....I love this song and I can imagine that is how Bosco would feel about his mother dying and his inability to let his emotions come through. Enjoy.

Bulletproof

Tell me one more time again,

just like I didn't hear you

like I don't know what's going through your mind, I do

I play the same game too

though it's hard to stop even when you want to

Now the moon lights up your face and I can see you're crying

You never liked me to see you cry, it's true, I've done some crying too.

The hardest part about it is trying to hide it from you.

It must be great to be so strong, never needed anybody's help to carry on

But we're so scared of the silence and the tricks that we use

We're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised.

I don't wanna lie about it, I'm not bulletproof.

Well, I finally found a way to hide from all your glances

till the waiting game we play is through. I can, but what's the use?

When all I really wanna do is hideout with you.

It would be great to be so strong, you never needed anybody's help to get along

We're so scared of the silence and the language that we use, yeah we're careful and we're cunning

but we're easily bruised

I don't wanna kid about it, I'm not bulletproof.

Tell me one more time again, I guess I didn't hear you

I don't know all the secrets that you keep inside.

I tried the same thing too, but they all come pouring out of me when I'm talking to you.

It must be great to be so strong, you never needed anybody's help to carry on,

but I'm not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can use,

No I'm careless and I'm cruel, but I'm still easily bruised.

I'm so tired of lying about it, I'm not bulletproof.

No, and I'm not going to lie about it,

I'm not bulletproof.

By the second week in December I had lost fifteen pounds and had accumulated a rather shaggy beard. It took every ounce of energy I could muster just to go to work and back. Everyone at the house knew what was going on and tried to be supportive, but there was really no other place I wanted to be than at my mother's side.

It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. She was dying in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. It gave my heart so much pain to know that any moment, any second, she could be gone and I didn't know how to deal with it.

Faith was my champion, my everlasting rock, and she was by my mother's side every moment that I wasn't. She was handling the situation a lot better than I ever thought she would, and still, I couldn't bring myself to open up to her for fear that I would lose control. I don't know why I had to act that way, for I knew that she wanted to be there for me, but I had put up an invisible wall around me to protect myself from the pain I was feeling. The wedding plans had come to a stand-still and we no longer talked about our wedding day, that was until she brought up having the wedding at my mother's bedside. It awed me to think that she would consider having it there, at a place of death and sadness and it made me love her even more, but all I could do was nod my head and let her take charge.

The trouble was that my resistance was wearing down and I knew that I was on the verge of really having a breakdown. It was getting harder to keep it inside. It was harder on me to let her think that I was handling it on my own, than it would have been to confide in her and let her comfort me. She understood and she left it alone, but I still couldn't let myself break. I had to be strong.

The truth was that with every passing moment, every time I heard my mother ask me to call my father so that she could see him, I was feeling a certain kind of anger envelop my brain and make me feel like I wanted to kill someone, mainly him. He hadn't so much as called to see how she was or even dropped by to offer her some kind of comfort. It made me sick inside to know that he really didn't care about what happened to her. She had bore him two children and remained faithful to him, even after everything he had done to her, to us.

I sat at her bedside and held her hand while she begged and pleaded with me to call him, to bring him to her. What was I supposed to do? Deny her of this one thing? The one thing that I was sure would just bring her more pain. I tried to change the subject, hoping that she would let it go, but she never did. She wanted to see him and it hurt me to know that he was still so important to her, when I was there and doing everything I could to ease her pain. It was him that she called for in her delirium. It was him she sobbed over when she would wake and find that he wasn't there. He was never there.

To even hear his name, brought sour gall to my throat, remembering all that he had done to us. Remembering a time when none of us had a chance to get away from his ugly words and stinging fists, that swung into our faces and bodies every chance he got. In my opinion, he wasn't even welcome at our house, let alone at her funeral. It made me shudder when I thought about that day and how it was approaching so fast. It was Christmas time and the house was bare of any decorations or holiday trinkets. We hadn't bought a single gift. There was nothing there that gave any resemblance of Christmas cheer. But cheer was not invited to sit our table or enter our thoughts. When everyone else was decorating their trees and singing songs of yuletide, we were watching my mother fade away. It would have seemed inappropriate to have done any of those things, when all I could think about was having one more day with her. One more hour. One more second before she closed her eyes for that final time and gone to her final resting place, which I hoped would filled with joy and happiness. She deserved to be happy for once in her life.

I sat by her bed with my feet propped up over the end and tried to think of something to say to her when she woke. Why I hadn't called my father to come, or why I hadn't listened to her when she specifically asked me to do so. I knew I should have, but I hoped that maybe this time she would have forgotten and that she was only asking because her mind was so mixed up. We knew the cancer had reached her brain and that when that happens, people sometimes start saying things they normally wouldn't have. It was usually close to the end when the cancer got there, but at least she wasn't feeling any pain. The brain wouldn't allow her to feel it, and for that I was grateful.

I looked at her pale face, her thin bony arms and limp hair and realized that this was probably the last memory I would have of the way she looked when she died. I didn't want to remember her this way. I wanted to remember her vividly, when she was strong and healthy. She could drink anyone under at the bar. She was wild when she cut loose, singing and dancing and twirling around. She had a laugh that was contagious, making everyone around her feel happy. Even when things were bad she had a way of making me smile and look at the bigger picture. I only had to look at her and see the way her face lit up when she saw me to feel better. I wanted to remember the goodness of her, the way she ran her hand over my hair and stroked my cheek and let me know that I was special to her. I wanted so many things at that moment. So many things that were impossible and out of reach. I felt so alone and so powerless.

"Anthony?"

I looked over at her. She was coming out of her sleep and calling for _him_ again.

"Anthony?" Came her frail pleading.

I reached over and took her hand, swallowing back the tears of anger that only his name could evoke.

"Ma. It's me. Maurice. Do you need something?"

She opened her blue eyes, now so dominant and the only color in her pale face, and looked at me.

"Where's...your....father?"

I drew in a sharp breath and tried to control myself.

"He's not here."

"I...need....to....see...him....."

"Ma. I don't know where he is."

"Get him!" She cried, with more strength than I thought she could possess.

It hurt me, the way she said it, with anger and hurt. She wanted _him_. She needed _him_, when it was _me _who was here. It was _me_ who was agonizing over everything. I felt betrayed by her desperate need to see a man who had beaten her into the ground more times than I could count, a man who had nearly killed her and who had never respected her a day in her life.

I clenched my teeth, while trying to fight back the tears that sprang into my eyes.

"I'll try and find him, ma. I'll go call him right now." I croaked out as I let go of her hand and exited the room.

I stood outside her door for the longest time, wishing that I had it in me to deny her of this request. She wasn't in her right mind, I reasoned with myself. No other time did she ever mention his name or ask about him. I had stopped referring to him a long time ago and as far as I knew, she never saw him or had any contact with him. My mind was full of images long gone, of events and things that had happened over the years. It blurred my vision to think of him and every time he put us down or hurt us. He had never been a happy person, I knew that instinctively and without much thought. Nothing we ever did was good enough. It didn't matter to him if we made good grades or helped ma clean the house.

Eventually, I stopped trying to please him altogether. By the time I was nine or so I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do that would make a difference. It never stopped Mikey, though. He always tried, whether it be coloring him a picture in Kindergarten or bringing him a beer after work. The pictures were always messy and out of the lines; the beer not cold enough or heaven forbid, a drop would be spilled from its journey from the kitchen into the livingroom. It didn't matter how hard my father hit him or how many times he called him names, Mikey never stopped wishing and hoping that our father would some day love him.

In the end, I knew that I had to pick up the phone and call the one man I despised more than any other in this world. The man who had made my decision to become a police officer essentially effortless. I could no longer help myself from what he had done, but I could help others who found themselves in the same situation. Hearing his gritty, mean voice would be enough to send me into a tailspin, but I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't do what she asked of me.

I made my descent down the staircase and looked at the clock on the wall that was over the door. It was 11:45 p.m. I hadn't realized how long I had been upstairs. I was tempted to forget the call until tomorrow, but knew as soon as she woke again she would be demanding to know when he was coming. I made my way into the kitchen and put a cup of water in the microwave to boil. I needed a strong cup of coffee to get through the call. No. Scratch that idea, I thought to myself. I needed something stronger than coffee to endure talking to the man.

I went to the liquor cabinet and brought out my mother's favorite poison; Johnny Walker Black. I unscrewed the cap off the bottle and took a shot glass out from its place above the fridge. All around me were pictures of the three of us at different stages. Pictures of Mikey and me when we were babies, right up until a couple of years ago. There was even a picture of us all drinking at her bar. Shiny, happy faces stared back at me, as if to say 'nothing can touch us'. I half snorted, knowing now, how childish and optimistic we were to think that we were invincible.

I sat down heavily at the kitchen table and poured myself a drink. I downed it in one gulp. My liquid courage, helping me, preparing me for the call I was about to make. I heard a key turn in the lock and the door softly open.

Faith made her way inside, all bundled up in her blue parka with a matching knit cap pulled over her blond hair. Snow flakes lay softly on her shoulder and quickly started to melt as she came into the kitchen. She took one look at the bottle in my hands and came over to me, sensing that something was wrong.

"Bosco, what happened?" She gushed, inadvertently asking if ma had passed on while she was gone.

I picked up my glass and rolled it around in my palms. It always made it easier to talk when you had something to occupy your hands.

"She wants to see my father. Wants me to call him right now." I said staunchly.

She knit her eyebrows together as she started to pull off her heavy coat. "That asshole? Why?" She demanded.

"She wants him to come over. I'm not sure if it's because of her brain or whatever, but I have to call him...."

She interrupted me as she swiped her hat off of her head and threw it onto the nearest chair.

"And say what? You don't deserve to be here, but come on over so you can give her one last blow before she's gone?"

I widened my eyes and the shocked expression on my face told her how inappropriate her comment was. Although it was true, it sounded crass and harsh coming from her.

She shook her head and pulled up a chair close to me and set her hands on my shoulders.

"You know I didn't mean it like that, don't you? As bad as it came out, I know you know that it's true. He's just gonna come over here and say something stupid and hurt her again. I say you don't call. Tell her he can't come. Please, Bosco. You know what does to her." She pleaded.

"I can't do that to her. She's my mother and she wants him here. She's getting upset every time she wakes up and he's not here. She's callin'to him in her sleep. Faith, as much as it kills me to do it, I have to call her. Back me up. I can't do this much longer. Please." I said tiredly as I poured myself another shot.

She let me down it but took the bottle and glass over to the sink when I was finished. She walked over to me and sat down again, taking my hands into hers.

"Bosco. You need to talk to me. Please. You're keeping all of this locked up inside and it's scaring me. I want to be here for you the way you were here for me when Emily and Charlie died. You need to at least talk to someone, if not me. Please, babe. Do it for us. Do it for her. She knows how much you're hurting." Faith pleaded with me.

I looked down, not knowing what to say. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to discuss how I was feeling with anyone. I knew I couldn't say this without offending her, so I said nothing, hoping she would take the hint.

She sighed and stood up and said softly. "Ok. When ever you need me, just let me know. I love you, Bosco and I want what's best for you." She then walked upstairs to check on ma.

I pushed my chair back and went directly to the sink and took out the bottle and left the glass. I took a long swig, just enough to send me into a coughing fit, while the liquid burned my throat. By the time I picked up the phone, I was starting to feel the effect of the alcohol.

I took the cordless into the livingroom and plopped down on the couch. I sat it beside me for a moment and wiped my, now, sweaty palms on my jeans. It sat there, leering at me, taunting me, telling me to just be a man and dial the number. In my minds eye I could see him, his nostrils flaring, yelling at me, telling me what I sissy I was. No good. Loser. Mistake.

I grabbed the phone and dialed his number, hoping that he wouldn't answer. He picked it up on the third ring. He hadn't even heard my voice and I could tell he was angry. We used to argue over who would wake him up from a nap, or even worse, a hangover. It was the shortest straw that always lost, and more times than many, that loser was me.

"What?"

"Dad. It's Maurice."

"Maurice? Maurice who?" He snarled into the phone.

"Your son." I snapped, knowing full well he knew who I was. Even still, he could hurt me without me even seeing his ugly face.

"What the hell are you calling here at......12:30 for?" He asked as he rolled over, or I guessed he rolled over to see what time it was.

"Believe me, I wouldn't ever call you again if it weren't for her."

"Her? Who? Spit it out, Maurice!"

I rubbed my forehead with my free hand, trying to get rid of the ache that was starting to make it's way deep into the back of my neck and eyes.

"Ma! She's sick......it's cancer. She wants you to come and see her."

There was silence on the other end as he digested what I had said.

"Cancer? Rose? When?"

"A couple of months ago, but she's really bad now. She's only got a few more days, if that. She wants to see you. Can you come?"

"Couple of days....why didn't you call me sooner?" He barked at me, fueling my heart with anger.

How dare he! How dare he act like he cared! Playing the martyr was something he was good at. It was never his fault. When he hit us, it was _our_ fault. We _made_ him do it. When he yelled, same thing. We _made_ him curse and scream at us. When we fell down the stairs, it was _our_ fault for _tripping _over his big foot. Damn him to hell.

"Call you sooner? Like you even gave a shit to begin with? Call you sooner? Like when, dad? When she needed help with the rent and you didn't show? Or when she called you three months ago to find out what your blood type was and you never called her back?" I yelled into the phone.

"I don't have to listen to this. I'll be over to see her first thing in the morning and you better be elsewhere." He threatened me.

"You're right I'll be elsewhere! Cause if I had to see your face I know I'd kill you myself you selfish bastard!"

He hung up on me and that's when I threw the phone across the room. It smashed into the tv and broke.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and then Faith came running in, anger lighting up her face.

"What's going on in here? You just woke Rose up. She was finally gettin to sleep." She hissed at me.

Upon seeing my face, her expression softened and she sat down beside me. "What happened? Did you call?"

I nodded dumbly, unable to articulate how I felt at that moment, accept for anger, which she clearly saw written on my face.

"Is he coming to see her?" She asked carefully, afraid she would upset me more.

"Yup. Tomorrow morning."

"You gonna be able to handle it?"

"No. Just gonna be in my old room or something. Not too far away, so that if he says anything to hurt her, I'll be close and I can kick his old rigid ass out."

She closed the gap between us and put her arms around me, and for the first time, I felt like I could let her know how I was feeling. I eagerly responded to her touch, her caress that made me feel like I was worth something on this god-forsaken earth. I buried my head in her shoulder, relishing the smell of her shampoo.

"Let's go to bed. It's been a long day." She said softly as she stood up and stretched her hand toward me.

"Faith, thanks for bein'here with me...with..us." I said, in my strongest voice, for fear she would see right through me.

"There's no where else I'd rather be. Now come to bed." She ordered.

I vaguely wondered if she had talked to Sasha or Ty about having the wedding in a couple of days time, but didn't bother to ask. She'd tell me when she needed to.

I followed her upstairs and after checking on ma, we went and got ready for bed. The nurse we had hired was there to watch her while she slept, thus relieving us from a constant vigil.

We climbed into bed and snuggled up against each other. She held me while I fought off the sleep that was trying to consume me. I wanted to stay up incase something happened to ma, but inevitably, sleep soon came.

I knew that I couldn't lie about it anymore; I wasn't bulletproof.


	43. All In Time

This song is written by a Christian Band by the name of "Ninth Hour". They rock and are wonderful musicians...I hope you like it. Enjoy the chapter. As always, I am not making any money off of this..I wish, and I do not own Third Watch....please don't sue...I have no money.

Dry Bones

I've seen that you've been achin'

And all I want to do is reach out with my arms

and tenderly speak to you

High above is where I'll always be

It's where I've been, it's not your perspective

So wait for me to lead you with your eyes wide closed

Come alive as I breathe into your dried-up bones

As I breathe into your dried-up bones

At night while you've been sleeping

I sat beside your bed and reached out with my hand

and silently prayed for you

By your side is where I'll always be

It's where I've been to see your perspective

So wait for me to lead you when the night is long

Close your eyes as I lead you by the darkest moon

As I lead you by the darkest moon.

A Little Piece of Heaven - Chapter 43

I woke up early the next morning to the sound of the door bell ringing loudly. As I rolled over in bed and looked at Bosco I didn't have the heart to wake him, so I silently got out of bed and put on my pink bathrobe then shut the door behind me.

He had fretted and cried out in his sleep again, calling for her and cursing him. I never told him the next day after he had woken, for I felt that it might be intruding into some dark thoughts that he wanted left unsaid. I was beginning to feel that he might never open up to me and let me in to that part of himself that only I knew existed and it made me worry. He was never one to let just anyone know how he felt, but with me it had always been different. With me he could let down his guard and this time, he wasn't letting anyone in.

I could see through the small window in the door that it was Bosco's dad, Anthony. I hadn't had the misfortune to meet him more than once, and the time that I did it was when he came to the station to rat out his own son. I hadn't had a good feeling about him from the things that Bosco had told me over the years, and I especially didn't like him after what happened to Mikey. Imagine, turning in your own son just for a buck. After last night, I really didn't want to see him, but I knew it better that I dealt with Anthony instead of Bosco.

I opened the latch on the door and swung it wide. He stood about six foot one, with short graying hair. He had dark eyes that had no doubt seen a thousand drunks, combined with a long nose and curled up lips from which he smirked. He was probably about 170-180 pounds, maybe 165 on a good day, but for the most part, he was nothing sensational.

Maybe it was the way he looked at me that made my stomach turn. His eyes starting in at my head and sweeping slowly down over my body and back up again. I had seen that look before and I didn't like it. It made me self-conscious to have his eyes linger on me, especially after all of the stories I'd heard about his sordid past. I looked him in the eye and pulled the belt on my robe tighter.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him; so many ugly words, so many accusations that all would have been true. I had to remind myself that he was here to see Rose. This was, essentially, her dying request. It made no sense to me that he was the person she wanted so desperately, and even though I didn't understand her reasons I knew that letting him was the right thing to do.

"Hi Mr. Boscorelli. Come in." I said as courteously as I could.

"Hi. Faith, right? Aren't you Maurice's partner?" He asked raising an eyebrow suggestively. He grinned broadly in what, I was sure _he_ thought, was an appealing way.

"Yes. But I'm also his fiancee." I said, a little taken back by the way he was acting.

"Fiancee? Well, it looks like he got some brains in his head, for once, and picked up some of his father's charm. A cute little broad like you, it's too bad that I didn't see ya first. You could have experienced the real deal." He said flirtatiously.

To say that I was shocked at his words would be an understatement. It was nothing out of the ordinary for him to speak that way to most woman, or so I had heard, but to talk to me like that, in the situation that we were in, set me off in a way that I couldn't control. It angered and infuriated me that he would start off our conversation that way. He was here to say good bye to his dying wife and all he could do was act like a twenty year old jerk in heat. No wonder Bosco didn't want to have anything to do with him. He was nothing but a selfish old pervert that had absolutely no tact, and definitely no charm.

He had the nerve to come here and belittle his son at a time when emotions were raw and wounds were open and it disgusted me. I should have kept my mouth shut and left well enough alone, but the very thought of letting him get away with saying something inappropriate and nasty was too much for me to take.

I had lost three children in the span of two months, almost lost the love of my life, and was now losing a woman who was like a second mother to me, and I did not have time to stand around and flirt with my fiancee's father. I took a step back from him and narrowed my eyes, as to show him my true feelings and intentions. I wanted to make it clear that there would be no niceties exchanged between the two of us.

"No. Actually, he always had brains and a ton of charm, but he got that from his _mother's_ side." I replied cooly.

"Oh....that's the way it's gonna be is it?"

"Gonna be? Is there any other way?"

"Oh come on, Faith...we're practically family. I always joke around like this...don't be so...."He looked up at the ceiling as if to find the words to express what he meant. "So....anal." He finished, winking at me.

"Did you just call me_ anal_"? I whispered, as I sometimes do before I blow up and really get angry. Who did this guy think he was?

He ignored me and stepped inside. That's when the smell hit me. He was obviously drunk or if not totally drunk, at least coming off of a bender. The stale smell of cigarettes and beer hit my nostrils and made me want to be sick.

"Are you drunk?" I asked incrediously.

He again ignored me and walked into the kitchen, surveying everything, almost inspecting. He walked over to the table and picked up the mail and began to look through it. Next, he walked over to the sink, no doubt looking for dirty dishes. Then he opened the fridge and peeked inside, all before my shocked eyes. For I never expected _this_.

"She never was much of a house-keeper, even in her younger years." He commented as he continued to root around.

"I think you should leave." Was the only thing I could say. Could I really let him go and see Rose in the condition he was in? What would Bosco do if he found his father drunk first thing in the morning?

He turned to me, a flash of anger passing through his dark eyes, and smirked at me. "You can't tell me to leave my own house, girl."

"This isn't your house. Not anymore. You can leave or I can call the police, who would be happy to cart your ass out of here". I said more forcefully. I wanted to make my point clear, yet I didn't want to wake the rest of the house, and especially not Rose.

He threw back his head and laughed. "Oh, I _really _am scared. I'm about as scared of you as I am my loser son. Always threatening me, telling me to get lost and never any muscle to back up his big mouth."

I walked into the room, closer to him, but not too close. "I guess you've forgotten the time that your son broke two of your ribs and your nose. Who was crying then, huh? You think you're a big man Raymond? Coming home, beating on your wife, hurting your kids? _Big man_." I hissed at him.

The smile vanished off of his face and something darker and more sinister appeared. Granted, I was insulting him, and quite nastily, and shouldn't have done it when he was drunk and abusive, but I felt a great serge of power right then. The need to tell him the things he should hear, _for fear that he would get lucky and die without ever being accountable to anyone for the pain he had inflicted on his family_.

I imagined that this was what life was like for Rose and Bosco and Mikey all of time. I shuddered to think of facing this man every day of my life, and especially to a small child. He was an ogre. I don't know how they had ever made it out alive. An intense wave of rage came over me, when I thought about all the times he had hit them. Beat them unconscious. Starved them. Locked them in their rooms for days at a time. I saw red. I wanted to kill him then. Not a good way to feel about your future father-in-law.

"You think you know what it was like having to live with them?" He barked. "Coming home to this pig-sty, nothing cooked, nothing but whiny kids and a no good cheating wife to boot? You don't know nothing about this family! Having the shame of knowing that you've got not _one _but _two _sons who are total losers! Do you know what it's like not having sons who look up to you? Who want to be like you? Part of the family heritage? Soft, pansy's are what I got. You should know, you're gonna marry one!"

" Ya. Just what the world would need: Another couple of alcoholic bums who talk and act like you! Losers? You don't see that YOU are the loser! YOU are a disgrace!" I yelled, not caring if I woke anyone or not.

"You know what a disgrace is? I bet you wouldn't know one if it hit you in the head you dumb pig!"

"Ya. I'll tell you, Raymond. YOU. YOU are a piece of garbage. YOU ARE NOTHING. Your son is fifty times the man than you ever even think of being....Maurice is gold and _you_ are the tarnish that is washed up and rusty. The kind that no one wants. The kind that people through into the garbage because no one wants it around."

"You got a big mouth. You should learn to keep it shut!" He screamed at me.

"Whose gonna shut it? You? You'd never live to regret it. Now, get out of here before I call the cops. We'll tell Rose that we couldn't find you, you'd only end up making her more upset anyway."

He started toward me, his hand held open, for he was going to slap my face, and hard. I stood my ground, but raised my hand and pointed at him to let him know that I wasn't afraid of him.

"You realize that you're gonna go to jail for that? I'm a New York City Cop, Raymond. I know a lot of guys who'd love to get their hands on you Raymond. Make no mistake. If you touch me, one hair, one little tap, you're gonna be sorry that you were ever born!" I said, as cool as ice.

"What the_ hell_ is going on here?" I heard Bosco shout from the top of the stairs. He ran down, taking two at a time, his eyes wider than I'd ever seen them.

He rounded the corner and came into the kitchen. His face was a conjure of emotions. Anger lit him from the inside out, sadness etched into his eyes and I immediately felt guilty for waking him up and making him listen to my ranting.

"What's going on here?" He shouted, looking back and forth at the two of us. Raymond put his hand down at his side and opened his mouth to speak. I cut him off.

"We were having a difference of opinion. It's ok now." I said, glaring at Ray, hoping he had the good sense to keep his mouth shut.

Not a chance there.

"Your girlfriend here, decided to speak for you and tell me exactly what she thought of me." He began.

Bosco glanced at me before turning back to his father. "She did, did she?" He folded his arms over his chest and stood his ground. "It's a shame that I had to miss it. You bein' father of the year an all."

Raymond blanched and pointed his huge finger toward Bosco's face. " You listen to me, you ungrateful , spoiled brat! I didn't come here to listen to this crap! You'd think that you'd be thinking of your poor mother instead of standing here lecturing me about stuff that makes no difference to anybody!"

I sucked in my breath and prepared myself for the worst. Raymond couldn't have picked a better choice of words that would both hurt and infuriate his son. I reached out to put my hand on Bosco's shoulder, to lend him the strength I felt he needed, and he shook my hand off and took a step forward with his fist in the air.

He stood in front of Raymond, his chest heaving in and out, his face red with anger and prepared himself for the confrontation that had been years in waiting.

He had waited a long time to tell Raymond exactly what he thought of him and now, granted not a good time, he was going to untangle himself from the chains that had bound themselves to his soul. The chains that nearly destroyed him and left him unable to have normal relationships.

It had been years since Raymond had left them. Years that Bosco had fought with himself to rebuild his broken self-esteem and years of tangling with the guilt he felt for being too young to stop his father from hurting his mother and brother. I knew that this was going to get ugly and I also had the feeling that it would definitely become physical. Honestly, I didn't know what to do next. Should I get between them or let them finish what had started a long time ago?

Bosco's lips were curled up into a hateful sneer. He shook his head back and forth, as if trying to put into order the things he needed to say.

" Don't you ever throw ma in my face ever again, do you hear me? I'll kill ya. I swear on everything that ever meant anything to me. I'll kill ya!" He said in a menacing, low voice.

Raymond opened his mouth to speak but Bosco wasn't finished. "The _only thing _I think about is my mother. She means _everything_ to me. The only reason you are allowed in this house today is because she asked for you. If it were up to me......"

Raymond snorted in contempt at his firstborn. "Up to you? And just who the hell do you think paid for this house? It's not up to _you_ to do or say anything! This is _my house_, Maurice and I think _I'll _do what I damn well please."

"This isn't your house. Not anymore. _I_ pay the mortgage here. It's in my name, not yours. You are in this house only because I love ma and she asked for you. As far as I'm concerned, the day you die will be the day I finally feel at peace. I hate you, dad. Hate everything about you and I wish it was you lying up there in that bed, cause she sure doesn't deserve to be there!"

They stood there, the contempt and hatred they felt for one another enough to suck all of the air out of the room. They both stood their ground, equally stubborn and equally hurt, and challenged one another with their hateful glares.

Raymond clenched his jaw and turned his lips up into a sneer, much like the one his son had made moments before, the resemblance between them uncanny, although I would never mention that.

He sucked in a deep breath and slowly expelled it from his mouth. I trembled as I stood beside Bosco, terribly afraid that the worst was yet to come.

"Now you know how I feel, Maurice. You were a mistake from the moment of conception. I begged your mother to get an abortion, but she wouldn't have it. I even tried to throw her down the stairs so she'd lose you a couple of times but....."

And that was as far as he got before Bosco's fist connected with his jaw. He tumbled over backwards, dragging Bosco with him. They rolled around on the floor kicking and punching one another and cursing furiously. Desperately, I screamed for them to stop. I made my way over toward them and Bosco yelled at me to step away.

On and on it went. For every punch that Ray got in, Bosco got at least two. The blood started to flow down both of their faces and made its way to the floor, dripping everywhere, as they grunted and growled at each other.

Disgusted, I ran over to the sink and pulled out the hose that was used to spray off the dishes and turned on the cold water full blast. I took careful aim and sprayed the water on both of their faces, drenching them and, of course, getting myself cursed at in the process.

However, it was enough to get them to stop. I had grabbed the cordless off the counter as I sprayed. I dialed the number to the precinct as I waited for them to stop.

"Faith, hang it up!" Bosco yelled at me. The last thing he wanted was his friends and colleagues coming to his home to break up a brawl between him and his father. I knew he didn't want anyone _we_ knew to ever have the misfortune of meeting his father.

Grudgingly, I hung it up as Bosco and Raymond began to wind down. One by one they stood, sweaty and out of breath. Both bleeding from the nose and head. They weighed each other down by their stares and general loathing of each other. Not for one day could they be civil to one another and it broke my heart.

Raymond could never put aside his own needs and wants long enough to look out for someone else, even his own wife or children. Bosco couldn't let go of his own pride or hurt to ever just let go and keep his temper from boiling over. I didn't blame him. I loved him and I understood. If I could have, I'd of been the one to give Raymond a few cracks in the face.

Bosco walked over to the counter and spit in the sink and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He turned back to Raymond and cast him a scathing glare. "You couldn't stop drinkin'even for one day, could ya?"

Raymond snorted and held his hands up toward the ceiling. Mockingly, he cried out, as if to God. "See what I have to deal with? See why I drink? It's to get away from this madness!"

Bosco had heard enough.

He walked past his father and went into the downstairs bathroom and returned a few seconds later with a wet face cloth. He tossed it to his father and then pointed at him. "This is your last chance. Clean up your face and go and see ma. You got ten minutes and then you're out of here. I don't want to see your face again until....." He stopped short, not wanting to say 'her funeral'.

He walked past me again and went into the bathroom and shut the door. He didn't even so much as look at me when he passed and I knew why. He was falling apart from the inside out and he didn't risk looking me in the eye because he knew if he did, that he wouldn't be able to stop the damn from breaking. I really wanted him to let go and just cry or even talk about how he felt.

But my love, my sweetheart, had to be strong. He was desperately trying to prove to himself and to me that he could do it on his own. I was secretly surprised that he had hung on as long as he had. It was as if he were convincing himself that she would get better and things would go back to normal. The worst part about it was that he wasn't realistic and the pieces would fall where they may, but would I be able to hold him up during that storm?

Raymond didn't look at me either as he passed by me and walked up the stairs. I wasn't sure if I should follow him or wait for Bosco, so I hung back by the edge of the stairway, incase I needed to go upstairs or tend to Bosco downstairs.

I stood there biting my nails and straining to hear something, from either direction, but I heard nothing. After a couple of minutes Bosco came out of the bathroom. He had toilet paper rolled up in his nose and a band-aid across a cut on his forehead. Instead of walking toward me, he turned and went into the living-room instead and sat down on the couch. I followed him and sat down beside him, hoping that he'd say something. Neither of us spoke, so we just sat there in silence.

He laid his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes. "Great family you're marrying into." He grumbled, half to himself.

"Bosco, I'm sorry about what happened in there....I shouldn't have said anything to him but he was so.....so rude and he was saying horrible things and I....."

"Don't worry about it. It happens every single time he comes here." Came his reply.

"Bos, are you sure it's ok for him to be alone with her up there?" I asked tentatively. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea, considering Raymond's lack of emotion or all round good sense.

His eyes snapped open and he looked over at me, a pained expression on his face. "No. But she wanted to see him." He said sadly. "She always wanted him." He added as an afterthought.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope."

"It might be good for you. You're holding everything in."

"There's nothing to say."

"But, you'll feel better if you just stop trying to do this all on your own."

"Just let it be."

"Bosco. I know you're hurting and at a time like this, you need someone to help you grieve".

"Faith. Let it be." He said, more forcefully. But I couldn't let it be. I wanted to help him, to comfort him and he wasn't understanding me or my intentions.

I scooted over next to him and ran my hand through his shaggy hair. He seemed to relax a bit under my touch. "Bosco, why can't you let me in?"

"Let you in?"

"Ya. You're shutting me out of everything. How you feel, what you think. I don't think it's healthy. I want to be here for you the way you were here for me when Emily and Charlie died."

"Ma isn't dead yet, incase you havn't noticed." He snapped angrily.

"I didn't mean...."

"I said I don't want to talk about anything. Why can't you just leave it at that?" He half shouted at me. He stood up and pointed to the ceiling above him. "I got her upstairs, dying and him up there saying who knows what, and I"m sorry, but I can't take time to sit down and chat with you."

With that, he left the room and went upstairs. I sat there, stunned by his meanness and his anger, usually not directed at me. Thick tears fell from my cheeks and dripped off my chin. As I sat there in self-pity, wondering why I always said the things I said, it occurred to me that he was just getting angry at me because I was the closest person to him. He couldn't get angry with her. He couldn't even deal with Raymond properly. What was between him and Ray wasn't anger; It was downright hatred and there was no other outlet for them but physical.

I knew he was biting at me, but that didn't make it hurt any less. This was draining him; mentally and physically. It was only a matter of time, but I knew that his resistance was wearing thin.

A few minutes later, Raymond came down the stairs and then out the front door. He slammed it hard behind him and I wasn't sure if anything else had happened, but I knew I'd soon find out.

I went into the washroom and splashed my face with cold water. As I looked at my reflection I noticed how haggard and tired I looked. My hair had even lost its usual brightness. I didn't know how much longer either of us could go on like this.

I opened the door and came out into the hall. That's when I head the screaming. Loud, harsh, glass shattering cries coming from upstairs.

Terrified, I raced up the stairs and down the hall to Rose's bedroom and thrust open the door........

TBC


	44. I Do

Disclaimer: I dont own Third Watch (How many of you are getting tired of hearing that little diddy?).

A Little piece of Heaven: Chapter 45

It was March and Rose had been gone for almost three months. In the days and weeks following her death, Bosco became a shell of his former self. He wouldnt eat, didnt sleep and hardly talked at all. He felt guilty about the way she died and blamed himself persistently. I think what bothered him the most was the fact that he was yelling at her just before it happened. We had talked to the doctors and they had all said the same thing: It wasnt by any fault of his, that she had died the way she did. It had been her time to go, and frankly, they didnt understand how she could have held on as long as she did. But that didnt help him any. It didnt make him feel any less guilty or take any of his sorrow away. I had the feeling that he was never going to get over it and I didnt know how to make him understand that it wasnt his fault. If he knew it wasnt his fault, he never expressed it to me. How could he have, when he never talked at all?

Only once did I see him break down and really let go. He had clung to me like I was the only one who could save him and he was hanging on for dear life. How sad it was to see him bawl like a baby, with his head buried in my lap, his strong hands clutching to my legs. I had cried along with him, unable to remain strong. Rose had been like a mother to me and losing her was as bad as it had been when I lost Emily and Charlie.

The impact of having Rose tell him that Anthony was not his father, had been devastating. Even more so, was the fact that she had died without telling him who his father was. It had gone to the grave with her, buried forever underneath the earth, where it would always remain. I often wondered through the years what would have happened if she had told him. Would be better or worse off? I didn't know, so I tried not to think about it or mention it to him. And not once did he ever bring it up again. Not once did he mention Anthony's name, directly or indirectly. It was as if he never had a father in his entire life. That, too, was buried along with all of the other secrets and lies and betrayals of Bosco's past and would remain there until the day _he_ died.

He didnt return to work for a full month. He sat, day after day, in her bedroom and stared off into space, probably rewinding that whole scene over and over again, until I feared that he might just have to go into grief counseling. Lieu had been very understanding during the whole ordeal and had let me take on extra shifts when I was feeling up to it to take the financial burden off of my shoulders. I was tired all the time and irritable as well. It didnt matter what I did or said, everyone around me started to rub on my nerves, pressing them together and squeezing until I was raw. Sasha and Ty, were constant companions of mine, and they were the only ones who I wanted to talk to. There was many a night that I cried on Sashas shoulder, wishing that I could pull Bosco back from the doldrums, but mostly it was a bonding experience for me to have a female friend that I trusted and felt comfortable with.

The weeks sped by and soon spring was upon us. The flowers were blooming, trees were turning their bright shades of green and the grass was finally starting to grow. For me, it was a time of healing and of remembrance. Spring always had a way of making us feel like there is a new beginning, a chance for something better, a new life. Bosco had made progress in coping with what had happened and was doing well at work. We had grown so much closer in those long, tired months and were now starting to get into our wedding plans with excitement and anticipation.

I had taken a long time before we were even able to contemplate having the wedding. Honestly, I didn't ever think we'd get there. Bosco had been in therapy for about two months and it had really helped him deal with his anger and sorrow over Rose.

We were finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It made me so happy to think about something wonderful and romantic and special for a change. And even though it would be hard for us to get married without Rose, we knew she was looking down on us and smiling.

Sasha was my constant companion and also the most organized person out of all of us. She had a daily record book in which she kept all of our appointments and things we had to do. She carried it around with her at work adding little things from time to time.

Sasha and I spent all of our free time finishing up the catering and dress plans. Bosco and Ty were taking care of the tuxes. That was about all they could handle. Between the two of them, whenever they were supposed to be doing something important, they usually ended up stopping at the gym and playing basketball or going for coffee. Although it was annoying at times, I was grateful that they were so close. No one would have ever guessed that they would become the best of friends. Hell, I never thought in a million years that I'd ever become Mrs. Maurice Boscorelli. And now it was just around the corner.

I was glad that we had chosen Sasha and Ty to stand up for us, because as the days came and went they were becoming close again. They had to spend quite a bit of time together doing planning and general wedding stuff and as a result we started to see a change in both of them. They no longer looked at each other with hurt in their eyes or turned up their noses when one saw the other coming. We knew it was only a matter of time before they ended up back together.

That suited us just fine. Bosco had heard all about it for months and had told Ty that if he didn't soon try to work it out with Sasha that _he_ would go and tell her himself, claiming that he could no longer stand to hear Ty's complaints about missing the only woman who had ever captured his heart. And it was good for us, too, because we'd have another couple to do social activities with. It was all working out just the way I'd always wanted.

Our wedding day came and with it, the sun shone brilliantly, gently lifting my heart and making it soar, for this was going to be the happiest day of my life.

I had been up since six o'clock, so nervous that I thought I would surly faint before I even got to the front of the church. Sasha had stayed the night with me and I was glad she did. We stayed up talking and then crying, and then, more talking. We were unstoppable when we were together and left nothing unsaid.

She confessed her love for Ty and her remorse and sadness over having the abortion. I knew she would always blame herself for it, but I knew just by looking at Ty that he would forgive her. He always wore his heart in his eyes and every time he looked at her we could see the flames burning beneath. He wanted her and he still loved her. It was in the way he watched her every move, the way his eyes lit up when he saw her. The way he still opened any door for her just to let her pass through first and in the way he said her name. Softly, with much respect. Their's was a relationship that was complicated, but one that was surely to last a lifetime.

The morning flew by faster than I could have ever imagined. We went and had our hair done along with a manicure and pedicure. I had my long blond hair done up in a fancy pile on top of my head. An 'up-do' the hairdresser had called it. My dress was a very simple, yet elegant, off-the-shoulder gown that had a long train attached to it. I wore white gloves that reached my elbows. I had never felt so beautiful or desirable.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, a deep flush in my cheeks, along with my eyes that were sparkling and bright, I knew that I had no doubts whatsoever about the step I was about to take. It felt so good and comfortable and _right_ to be marring Bosco, like it was the entire purpose of my life and I was put here on earth to find him and create a life with him. When Fred and I had been married I remember walking down the isle feeling sick to my stomach and wishing there was somewhere I could run away and hide. Those feelings never left me, either, even after all those years of me standing beside him, or rather, behind him. No, my first marriage was a disaster from beginning to end, except for my children. I knew that this time around my life would be filled with love and never ending acceptance and more good times than bad.

I had asked Lieu if he would give me away since my own father was not someone that I had anything to do with. The day I asked him it was after roll-call and I walked to the front of the room chewing down on my lower lip, terribly afraid that he would laugh at me and think me a fool for asking such a question.

"_Faith, what can I help you with?" He said as he gathered up a pile of paperwork and shoved it under his arm._

"_Um. I had something I wanted to talk to you about. It's personal. Can we go into your office for a minute Lieu?" _

_He raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Did Boscorelli do something I'm not gonna like?" _

_I shook my head and wet my lips with my tongue. "Nah, boss. I just wanted to ask you a question." _

"_Sure. Follow me." He said, holding his arm out in front of himself so that I could walk ahead of him. I saw Bosco in the hallway and he winked at me as he passed by, giving me the strength I needed to go through with something I wasn't entirely sure I should be asking a boss to do._

_Once inside the office, Lieu shut the door and told me to sit down. He leaned his elbows on the desk, giving me his undivided attention and looked at me. "So, what do you want to ask? I hope you don't need any more time off, Faith, because I gotta tell you that you've already used up your vacation and sick days....." _

"_No. Nothing like that." I interrupted and took a deep breath. "I, uh, wanted to ask you if you know if you and your wife can come to our wedding." _

_He looked surprised, as if he were expecting me to tell him some awful news or something. But he used to always hearing the worst of things and not the best. _

"_Ya. We're coming. Why?" _

"_I just wondered if, you know, you would want to do me a favor." I said hesitantly._

"_Sure. What is it?" _

"_I wanted to ask you if you would walk me down the isle." _

_He looked stunned for a moment, digesting what I'd just asked him. He took a deep breath and looked around the room. I was sure he was going to tell me that it was completely inappropriate for me to ask him and that I should get the hell out of his office, but he didn't. When he finally made eye contact with me I could see the emotion in his eyes and I could have sworn that he was looking a little teary-eyed._

"_I would be honored to walk you down the isle. Just let me know when and where and I'll be there." _

"_Thanks Lieu. Thanks a lot." I said and got up to leave._

"_Faith?" _

_I turned around. "Ya?"_

"_You deserve to be happy and I'm glad that you and Boscorelli found each other." He said sincerely. _

_Tears sprang to my eyes, for the kind things he had said were exactly the reason why I wanted him to be a part of my wedding. All I could do was nod. I closed the door softly and went to go tell my sweetheart the news._

Then the moment came when Lieu took my arm and patted my hand softly and guided me down the isle toward my husband-to-be. Bosco stood waiting for me, a gentle smile on his sensuous lips, beckoning me onward, calling me to where I belonged.

"Who gives this woman away?"

"I do." Lieu solemnly declared.He leaned over and kissed my cheek tenderly before joining his wife.

With Sasha on my right and Ty on Bosco's left, we said the words that would bind us from here to eternity.

"I, Maurice Boscorelli, take you, Faith Yokas, to be my lawfully wedded wife. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." Bosco said softly, as he wiped a tear from my cheek. I could see all of the love and respect in his heart.

"I, Faith Yokas, take you, Maurice Boscorelli, to be my lawfully wedded husband. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." I said, still crying softly. I turned to Sasha for a tissue.

With our hands clasped tightly together, the minister said the words that we had been looking forward to for so long: "You may now kiss your bride! "

I looked into his eyes, my husbands eyes, and leaned in for our first kiss as man and wife. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him tight.

Then, arm in arm, we proceeded to walk out the front doors of the church, toward tomorrow and the rest of our lives together.


	45. Epiloge

_A Little Piece of Heaven: Epilogue_

The day came when we finally welcomed our firstborn son into the world. Michael Maurice Boscorelli was born on Valentine's day at 4:32 p.m. He laid on my stomach, all bloody and red and slimy and yet, he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Bosco cried as he cut the cord, so proud and relieved that our son was safe and sound. If Mikey was a part of me, he was even more so made of the same material as his father. A look-a-like son, he was, and not only in looks but in attitude. He had the same way of turning up his nose and complaining about everything, not to mention everyone, just the same as his father.

Next, came our second son, Brett Charles, weighing in at 7 pounds, six ounces and every bit a Boscorelli, the same as his father and brother. Brett was a little more reserved than his older counter-part. Only speaking up when he absolutely had to, Brett was more of a peace maker, while Mikey was an instigator of all things naughty and forbidden. There were many times, more than their father or I could count, that Brett got his older brother out of trouble, by his quick whit and his ability to deal with children much older and who out weighed him by many pounds. Brett had a calmness about him, mixed with a quiet strength that most kids in our neighborhood knew could be trouble. By the time Mikey was ten and Brett was eight, everyone knew not to mess with the Boscorelli brothers. Joined at the hip, our sons did everything together and were seldom competitive against one another. I knew Bosco was proud, as would any father be, of the way our sons cared for one another.

Last, but not least, when Mikey was four and Brett was two, came our little girl, looking quite similar to Emily when she had been born. Not wanting to name her after the first Emily, Bosco suggested that we call her Emma. As he, again, cut the cord and watched as the doctor set her on my stomach, a certain middle name came to mind.

"What are you going to call her?" Asked our nurse, as she washed off her small body and wrapped her in a warm blanket.

"Emma." Said Bosco as he gently took his daughter from the nurses arms and cuddled her close.

"No middle name yet?"

"Rose. Her name is Emma Rose." I said gently, looking over at my husband who looked up quickly at me, tears coming to his eyes.

He nodded, emotion flooding his features. It was a perfect name for her. Emma Rose.

And so it was decided.

Our little Emma was a joy, not to mention the apple of her father's eye. A daddy's girl from the beginning, she could curl her lip down and bat her deeply blue eyes at her father and he moved heaven and earth to get it for her. As she grew, she looked more and more like Emily had when she had been young. Long blond hair cascaded well below her shoulders, bouncing up in lovely ringlets, giving our little beauty the look of a princess. If we _thought_ she looked like a princess in her many dresses and skirts, bedecked with colorful costume jewelry, complete with her faux fir coat, she was _convinced_ that she actually _was_ a princess, hence her nickname. It gave my heart a certain joy to see my Emily born again in Emma. Years had gone by and yet, there wasn't one day that passed that I didn't long for my two eldest children to be in my arms again. There was still a piece of my heart that they had taken with them, but the joy I had found in the arms of a man that, even after all of those years, still made me feel dizzy at the sight of him, and my other children, made life all that more bearable without Emily and Charlie. I knew that if they had still been around, they would have loved Mikey, Brett and Emma.

Her brothers, fiercely protective and ever loving, always had time for her and treated her like the princess she thought she was. There were times that they squabbled, as does every family, but all Emma had to do was pretend to cry and she had what ever she wanted. By the time she was seven, she knew exactly how to wrap them around her little pink polished finger. In return, she adored her big brothers and sought to be around them whenever she could. For not only was she the biggest girly girl, she was also a tom-boy when she wanted to be and could most often be found out in the garage with her father and brothers tinkering around with whatever they were working on, bedecked in her jewels and pretend high heels.

Many a time I watched them from our back deck and Bosco's eyes would meet mine and mutely stare, both of us understanding and thanking one another for giving the ultimate gift. Love.

Along the mantle in our home, the home that Bosco had grown up in and that we now had made into our very own, were pictures of my five children, lined up according to age. Memories etched into fine paper bearing the faces of all of those I loved so well. In the middle were two other pictures. Pictures that were very important to us as a family. One, of Bosco and Mikey when they were small, remarkably looking the way that Mikey and Brett looked when they were young and the other, a picture of Rose before she got sick. She was forever beautiful in our minds and not a day passed that we talked about her or told our children about her. It was the best feeling in the world to me, to finally have all that I had ever hoped for.

The years passed and our children grew up. It seems to me now, looking back on that time where things were so bad and I wanted to end my life, that God always finds a way to help us heal. In all my life, I never expected to find the joy and the happiness that I experienced in my relationship with my second husband. Even after being married for him for twenty years and counting, I still call him 'Bosco.' Never Maurice, for to me, he will always be Bos. He took me back from wanting death and claimed me for his own, never once asking for anything in return, except my love, and that, I eagerly gave.

Bosco and I had both retired from our twenty-five years as New York City police officers. There were times I knew we both missed our jobs, but we clung to the thoughts of having time to travel and be with our children and now, grandchildren.

I found a streak of gray in his hair today as he passed by me in the kitchen and proceeded to put peanut butter on his toast. I walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek to his back, relishing the smell of his after-shave, the way he still felt in my arms, and the feeling of that everlasting love I had grown to understand that I could not live without.

He turned around to face me and wrapped me into a big hug. Without words he leaned down to kiss me and I tasted the sweetness of the peanut butter on his lips. I looked up into his eyes, that were just now starting to show the signs of his age, and brushed my hand lovingly over his cheek.

"You know you're starting to go gray, Mr. Boscorelli." I teased lightly.

"Nah. There's no gray in there. You need to get your eyes checked, woman." He quipped, as he playfully spanked my bottom. "On second thought, isn't gray the color that all grampa's are supposed to have?"

Any day now, we were going to be grandparents. Our little girl, our Emma, was about to give birth to the first Boscorelli grand-baby. At first, Bosco was upset that 'that damn guy' had gotten his little girl pregnant. I had to remind him, more than once, that _Rob_, not 'that damned guy', was her husband and loved her very much. She had met him in college, where they had both been studying art history at New York University. They had fallen madly in love and had married shortly after graduating. Now, my little girl was a woman, and about to embark on a remarkable journey into motherhood. I couldn't have been happier. But Bosco, on the other hand, was a little slower. It had taken him a while to warm up to the idea that Emma was no longer a little girl and was about to have a baby of her own. She would always be his little girl no matter how old she got, but he found it hard to let her go, as he had with both of our sons. I was thrilled at the idea of being a grandmother and let it be known to anyone who would listen.

Still, every time Emma would see him, she would run holding out her beautifully tanned arms, calling 'daddy, I'm home'. She had grown into a stunning beauty with her long, curly hair, still in ringlets, and perfectly proportioned body. She drew many an eye. I didn't give a damn how beautiful she was, for to me, she could have been homely and her personality, so much like a warm spring day, would have carried her through.

As for our sons, Mikey (who no longer wanted to be called anything but 'Mike') had graduated first in his class at the academy and was now a police officer. We were so proud of him and his accomplishments and his decision to take a career that was both rewarding and was very important to society. He had grown into a handsome young man, perhaps even more handsome than his father, who was like his father in more ways than one. He had Bosco's temper and flair for complaining, but also his soft side, which he didn't let many people see. His dark hair was now wavy, with a bit a curl on the edges. He kept it short, the way his father had always done and year by year I could see how much he looked like and resembled Bosco. He had grown to be six-foot three, perhaps from the genes of Bosco's rightful paternal family, for he surly didn't get it from my family, with smouldering dark eyes and a trim figure. He too, caused many a female passer-by to stop and look twice. He also knew how good looking he was and spared no details to us about all the dates he had. I had to roll my eyes, for he had certainly got that trait from his father as well.

Both his father and myself were thrilled when he had announced his plans of following in our foot-steps. Although we both worried about what could happen to him on the job, we kept our faith that he would make out fine. He had met a wonderful girl his first day at the academy, a girl much like myself. Of course, they didn't hit it off right away, but had ended up being partners and the rest, they say, was history. I knew she was the one for him right away and many nights Bosco and I stayed up talking about how much they reminded us of us, when we were young. I knew if Mikey was as lucky as his father and I had been, that everything would fall into place.

Brett, our always confident and secure, second son, had gone away to college at eighteen to pursue his dream of becoming a writer. Neither Bosco or I had been thrilled at the idea of him moving to Massachusetts, so far away from our little family, but we let him go, as sooner or later we had to do. The hardest part about having your children grow up is that someday you have to let them live their own lives and become their own person. For years, Bosco and I had raised our children and spent every day with them, so much so, that when they were gone we didn't know what to do.

We had both cried the day we took Brett to the airport, each of us hanging on to the other for comfort and support, terribly afraid that if he needed us we would be so far away. He had only been eighteen, and to my way of thinking, he was too young to be out on his own. But Bosco reminded me that he really wasn't on his own and if need be, we would hop on a plane to be in Boston in only an hour or so. He had always been quiet with an inner strength that was easily shown in the way he spoke and the way he carried himself. Still close with his siblings, he called home every week to tell us what he had been doing. Just last year he had finished his degree at Harvard University and had taken a job with the University teaching writing classes to first year students. A look-a-like son, was he, so much like his father and brother, but to my delight, he also had the look of my first son, Charlie. He was a lot like Charlie, in his quietness and his inner strength. Again, I was buoyed by the fact that Charlie had been reborn in my Brett.

He was almost six feet tall, shorter than his brother, but close, with hair the same color as mine and dazzling blue eyes that were sharp and penetrating when he concentrated on anything. He had Bosco's face, but my personality. He was not one to mince words, as was the way of his father and brother. He took his time when he spoke and when the words did come, you could be assured that he had put a great deal of thought into what he said. He was the intellectual, always with his nose in a book, drinking up new knowledge that he seemed to crave. And although he was so different from his brother, when ever he was home, the first person he called was always Mikey.

And so, the day came when Emma went into labour. Bosco and I had been lounging around home on a Saturday afternoon watching something of little importance on the television, when the call came. One, two, three rings and Bosco was grumbling in annoyance about having to get up off of his rear end and answer the phone which was two feet away.

"Hello"?

"Daddy?"

"Emma, what's wrong? Is it time?" He cried, looking over at me and motioning with his arm for me to come closer.

I set down my cross-word puzzle and got up to get closer. From the excitement he was displaying, I thought I might as well stand beside him in case he fainted.

"It's time. The baby's coming. Can you come to the hospital?" Came her pitiful voice, seemingly a million miles away.

"Of course, princess. We'll be right there!" He babbled into the phone and then threw it on the couch next to him. I hadn't even had a chance to speak to her, but in his excitement he hadn't realized that he had hung up on her either.

He clapped his hands together and looked at me, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "It's coming, Faith! It's coming!" He squealed, leaning in to gather me in his arms. "Oh, baby, we're gonna be grandparents today! Get ready! We don't want to miss it"!

I hugged him equally tight, happy and excited that the newest edition of our family was on his or her way. "Calm down, Bos. It's gonna take while. Remember how long it took for Mikey to get here?" I laughed, amused at how excited he was.

He wasn't listening, however, he was already dialing Ty and Sasha's number to give them the news and the baby hadn't even been born yet!

Ty and Sasha had got married about a year after we had and we thought it was the best thing that either of them had ever done. Like one, the four of us had become after twenty years of being the best of friends. We vacationed together, had barbeques together, raised our kids together and were now, going to be grandparents together. They had two children, a boy named Tyrone and a girl named Carly. Tyrone was the same age as Mikey and Carly was Brett's age. She had gone off to college at Boston Bay when Brett had gone. They shared an apartment the whole way through school and still lived together now. I had my sneaking suspicion that they were a lot more than friends, but neither of them ever mentioned it and we didn't ask. In time I was sure that we would find out. Tyrone had a son with his live-in girlfriend, who Ty and Sasha didn't really care for, but didn't say anything about, for fear that they wouldn't get to see Elijah. Elijah was two and was one of the most beautiful babies I'd ever seen. Still, Ty and Sasha were thrilled to be grandparents and were thrilled for us that we were about to embark on the same adventure.

After getting off the phone, Bosco ran upstairs to change, while I waited at the bottom of our stairs, pacing, hoping that the labor wouldn't be too hard on Emma. He came bounding down the stairs, displaying remarkable energy for a man in his fifties and gave me a pointed look. "I just hope that damned guy is gonna be supportive of her." He said as he grabbed his coat and mine off of the coat rack.

I groaned as he helped me into my coat. "Bosco, when are you gonna start calling him by his name? He's good to her and he loves her. It's about time you realized that.'

He gently lifted my hair out of the back of my coat and smoothed it down over my shoulders, then wrapped one arm around me and pushed my hair aside so he could kiss my neck slowly and sensually. "I'll start tomorrow." he promised, teasingly. I knew he wouldn't but it didn't matter at that moment. I just hoped that when we got into the delivery room that he didn't call Rob that name.

In a matter of seconds my body was responding to his kisses, but just when I was really starting to get into what he was doing to me, he took his hands off of my waist and gave me a shove toward the door.

"Come on, Grandma, we can't stand here all day!" He cried.

I threw back my head and laughed. My Bosco. He never changed.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

At 8:17 p.m. that evening, with Rob on one side and Bosco and I on the other, our granddaughter arrived. Everyone crying and full of emotion, as we watched our son-in-law cut the cord, severing mother from daughter, making her now, fully and completely her own person. Bosco held my hand tightly and squeezed hard, looking over at me, tears making their descent down his cheeks, his elation reflecting my own feelings. How wonderful to not have to say anything at all, because you know that the person you are with knows exactly how you are feeling.

My mind recalled the last three times I had been in this room and had been handed a miracle, each one no more precious than the other, and the joy I had felt to be a mother again. I saw that same look in my daughter's eyes as she held _her _daughter for the first time. Proudly, Bosco and I stood beside her, leaning down every few seconds to lavish kisses on her forehead or hair, telling her how happy we were for her.

And like before, so many years ago, Emma's nurse asked what the baby's name was going to be. Both of us looking at her expectantly, dying to know what name they had picked, for they wouldn't give so much as a clue to any name they favored.

My daughter looked up at me, her blue eyes shining with tears, and reached for my hand and for Bosco's with her other hand. "Mom and dad, we would like to introduce you to your granddaughter, Emily Faith Justason. Would you like to hold her?"

Fresh tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks and dripped off my chin as I reached down and held my granddaughter for the first time. I was so thrilled that they named her after Emily and honored that they used my name as well.

"She's going to go by Faith." Rob said, looking over at me. "We wanted her to have a strong name. Just like her grandmother."

I handed Faith over to Bosco, who tenderly held her in his arms, and gave Rob a big hug and then Emma.

"Thank you. This is the best gift I've ever received." I choked out.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Days came and went and with it, more seasons of winter, spring, summer and fall. The days went by so fast and before we knew it, Faith was a year old. She had dark hair, just like her father and deep blue eyes, like her mother. She was very precocious and, I thought, very ahead of other children her age. She had walked when she was only 11 months old and by the time her first birthday came she was running around our back yard all by herself.

She was, as was to be expected, a grampy's girl. She loved Bosco and was content to be wherever he was. He, in turn, spent every moment he could with her and lavished all his attention to his little princess.

On this day, I was sitting outside on our back deck watching Bosco chase Faith around the yard. Her babyish giggles, music to my ears as I watched my husband with her. Time had changed Bosco in ways that I never thought possible. He was now a lot more grounded and mellow to what he had been in his thirties. Little things no longer bothered him the way that they used to and although he complained about things as much as he ever had, I had the feeling that he did it for my benefit.

On the table beside me was a brown envelope with my name on it. Curiously, I picked it up and examined it. There was no address or post marking, so I knew that it must have been dropped off. I held it over my head and shouted to Bosco. "Where did this come from?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. Open it and see."

I tore it open and pulled out a beautiful card depicting what someone thought heaven might look like. My eyes scanned over the colorful picture, with it's pink, orange and blue clouds, with an angel sitting on a puffy white cloud. I opened it up and immediately, my eyes filled with tears.

Inside, there were only eleven words, but words that sent my heart soaring.

"_Thank you for being my little piece of heaven. Love Bosco."_

He looked up at me again, grinning as he picked Faith up and came to sit down beside me on the lounge. I cupped my hands around his dear, dear face and kissed him. Then I lifted little Faith onto my lap and cuddled her close.

This was what it was all about. Having your little piece of heaven. I knew I had found mine.

The End

Note: Thank you to all who faithfully reviewed this story. I am really thinking about taking this story into the lives of Mikey, Brett and Emma. Also, Tyrone and Carly. Only if you want me to, for I only want to write about stuff that you all are interested in. Let me know. Ciao.


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